Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Empty

Over the past few weeks my mood does not seem as bad as it has been. The cacophony of thoughts in my head has slowed markedly. Maybe a bit too slow, too flat, too apathetic. I am completely uninspired and unmotivated. I feel so much fatigue I feel physically sick.

It is like my being, especially my creative being, has simply shut itself down. I have even tried to go to the studio a couple times, but there is no art inside my brain; no ideas, no creativity, and no desire to create anything.

I am grateful that the awful thoughts, repetitive music, all the thoughts and plans for suicide have left me, but it feels like when the bad thoughts disintegrated they left my brain empty.

The past couple weeks I have been trying to reassure myself that my creative being will return. I keep telling myself this emptiness is like a new canvas, the painting will come when I am ready.

My body does not believe this and I have been having really bad anxiety attacks everyday. I do not know why as there is nothing obvious triggering me. The only thing I can think of is that I am afraid of my new way of being. Or maybe I am scared OF being? Sometimes I feel like it would be so much better if all this would just end.

7 comments:

Valerie said...

It sucks that the only options sometimes are "suicidal" or "flat". It's like picking the lesser sh!tty one.... Not very fair.

Still cheering you on from here...

Donda said...

It sucks riding the wave! I can't stand it when I am depressed but I really can't stand it when I feel nothing at all...it's like the disorder has sucked away my personality. But you have to keep in mind, peaks and valleys. The "fun flow" always returns!

deborah said...

I've been flat for a few months now, and the anxiety is always either high or just below the surface. Waiting for my creative spirit to return is very hard, and waiting for my true personality to return is fruitless.
There is no middle ground it seems, but we need to work toward finding one..the one where our minds aren't racing and we can calmly sit and contemplate life without panic. Someday I hope...

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Feeling flat here too...have been since I began meds a decade ago. I haven't had much creativity since. It sucks--big time.

I use to paint every day and now I can't remember the last time I painted. Even blogging--I have fallen off greatly in the amount of blogging and it sucks.

I agree about the two choices only being suicidal or flat. And yet sometimes being flat long enough causes depression!! How do we keep this up for an entire life???

tracy said...

Yes....an entire, fucking life......

Pea said...

Ride it Aqua. Just do what you can. Nothing ever stays the same - even if it feels like it. Look how after this post you got your reading mojo back!

Anonymous said...

I just got into a relationship and already I feel that I made a mistake having to be with someone and getting used to their way of life is very scary to me. Been having anxiety attacks everyday and it seems that the only thing that helps is when I'm alone breathing slowly...I don't take medication though I don't know what to do. My brain is blank