Monday, September 10, 2007

Fatally Flawed

I was reading the Dinah's latest post on the "Shrink Rap" blog. The blog is titled "Are you my Patient"...and I very well could be. She writes about patients who come to see her yet never seem to follow her advice, or manage to make any meaningful changes in their lives. Although I follow my pdoc's medication advice for the most part... (I have said no to some things only to end up trying them out of desperation later on). I try to change, but amotivation, apathy, severe depression...where I can't seem to get out of bed for my life, all seem to get in my way.

My pdoc likens change, under these difficult circumstances, to a symphony. The music appears repetitive. It seems like the the music is not changing, but it is. With each movement the music builds and changes, rises and falls, sometimes ever so slightly, until finally it is something, not altogether different, but definitely changed, and developed into an even more beautiful piece of music.

Do you ever feel like you will never be able to change? Never get better? or that you have always been this way only it is getting worse?

I feel like no matter how much I try I will never get my normal life back. Even in my normal life I was so afraid of everything. I would get a great promotion and all I could think of was how I was going to fail, even though I worked extremely hard and was fairly intelligent, was proactive and had lots of drive and ability to do well.

I feel fatally flawed. Like all I will ever be able to do is serve coffee somewhere (for those of you who enjoy this work I am not that that is a bad just is not what I want to do), but have so much work experience and have worked so hard my whole life to get well paying and intellectually challenging positions. Now I feel like I can't do anything.

Yesterday I looked up what I needed to become an Occupational Therapist...something I'd be interested in, and I saw all I needed was 3 more credits from university to get into the OT program. Then I read the next line and it said 50% of my entrance requirement was a panel interview"...and I knew I couldn't do it.

I knew I couldn't manage the stress. I knew I couldn't explain why i haven't worked for 4 years, I knew I didn't have the confidence to sit in front of a panel of interviewers. Then I knew even if I did pass the interview I couldn't manage the stress of school...the exams and essays and even the classes with all the other people.

So I feel like there is no hope for me. I will never be anything. I don't know how to move forward, to change, to gain more self-esteem. I don't want to live the life I have, and I will never be able to achieve the life I want. I wish I would just die.


jcat said...

Oh, A...sorry you are feeling so crap.

Maybe we should make a bi-continental list of resolutions - from the sound of it, there's be quite a lot in common (especially if we added p-doc wish lists to them!!) and see if we can motivate each other into doing some of the right stuff, the no-drinking, go to gym, walk the dogs etc

Big hug

Polar Bear said...

Yeah, sometimes I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel as though this is who I am, fatally flawed, and who can possibly change that? That there are some parts that are simply unchangeable. Those are my darker moments. There are times when I realise though, that change is hard work, that it's not something that will happen to me. It's something I have to work hard at. And even then, it's not always roses and ponies.

My current T is very focussed on change at the moment. Small steps. Sometimes it's about changing just the very small things.

It's not easy though. It doesn't always feel like something I know how to do.

Hang in there. It's a struggle, there's no denying that.

jcat said...

Hey girl,

Guess you are still feeling crap? I know you're alive, because I see what I think is your ISP on my stats - unless I really got global and have two Canadian visitors!! - but I miss you posting, and I'm worried about you....