Thursday, June 28, 2007

Suicide Dreams

I had a dream last night that I was going away and needed to take a plane. I needed my birth certificate to get on the plane. As I was packing to go I could not find it, and then I finally found it in my shirt pocket.

I went to the airport and each gate was accessed via a flight of stairs. I had to get to gate I5. I started to climb, but lost my birth certificate over and over again. Each time I found it again.

Suddenly I realized that the letters and numbers in the stairwell that was headed towards the airplane gates were not going anywhere in the direction of I5 and I was at the wrong terminal.

I started running down the stairs and I found my little sisters birth certificate in the corner of one of the stairwell's landings, but all it said was her date of birth, place of birth, no other information at all. I felt confused and sad.

I had 15 minutes to board the plane as I arrived at the shuttle service station, but the driver said he would only take families with a mom, a dad and two kids, so I had no way to get to the other terminal. Besides, I suddenly realized I lost my birth certificate again. I knew I would never catch that plane.


I have been increasingly suicidal. My sister phoned my husband two days ago and said she was really upset and worried about me and would never get over me killing myself. That when Mom was alive she called her everyday, just to chat and since Mom died I have taken over that role and she feels I am the only person she can talk to openly.

  • My losing my birth certificate is signifying I do not exist, I am gone, dead, or I never existed.
  • my finding my sister's birth certificate with no birth date is saying, given, in her eyes, I have become a surrogate for Mom, she would not exist without me. (figuratively of course), thus she has no birth date/place etc..
  • The driver saying he would take only a family of four would be my Mom, my Dad and my two sisters...I'm not there.
  • or...there is no way for me to be there, both because my parents divorced, so we were not a mom/dad family, but also because my Mom is getting a ride is an impossibility.
  • Last week in my session I told Dr. X. I was the one person on a plane that was not afraid of crashing. In fact I prayed for my planes to crash. The fact that I would miss the plane in my dream was another missed opportunity to leave this world.
  • All the lost identification could be the literal representation of the loss of identity that I feel during this, and all my depressive episodes...maybe even when I am well. I never have a sense of knowing my self. I always feel disconnected from my self.

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