Sunday, June 24, 2007

A Fine Line

(In retrospect)
Is there a fine line between the moment someone decides their life is worth living and their life is worthless and they need to die? I think I'm standing on that line right now and I've been trying to reach out for help, but I am maybe being to subtle and people are missing my crying out.

I have maybe 3-4 hours every couple days, or when I am asleep, when I'm distracted enough to stop thinking about suicide. I wake up around 9:30, after laying in bed for an hour trying to get myself up. Then by noon I crawl back into bed and stay there awake and tormented by thoughts of how I could kill myself and not make a mistake. All I want is to sleep permenantly. For me, worse than this hell would be this hell, where I was physically incapacitated too because of some mistake I made in trying to die.

In the afternoon I lay there for 2-4 hours, get up, eat/or not - can't cook, or clean, or do anything except what I have committed to others, then I'm in bed usually by 9 again. What kind of life is this. I don't think it is one worth living and I see no end to this incapacitating depression. Nothing helps it.

I've told my husband I'm thinking of suicide all the time. I told my sisters...everyone says don't do that to us, but I need more help, or support, or something. I don't even know what...I just need help and I'm not one to take myself to the hospital, or call my I cry, and I cry and all I want is a way out.

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