Remembered snippets of my conversation in my session today...may not be entirely accurate, but I'm trying to clearly recall
Me: I feel tormented. All I can think about is suicide. I'm not sleeping and I am tired all the time. I get up at 9-9:30 and then am back in bed at noon. I want to die.
Dr. X.: are your thoughts conscious thoughts?
Me: No they feel intrusive, like they won't go away, like they are pushing me.
Dr. X.: What is the nature of your thoughts?
Me: I keep thinking over and over if I could overdose on the meds I have at home. I keep looking up on the Internet how to die, how much of each medication I need to ensure death (I have quite a bit). The last thing I want is to survive and be physically and mentally ill/hurt. I keep thinking I could take all my pills and drown myself as I become unconscious...just to be sure.
Dr. X: There is always a hospital stay. (he has mentioned this every week for at least the past 6 weeks)Me: ...but I have committed to so many things and I have so many things I need to do. I cannot go into the hospital.
Dr. X.: You do not have to do the things you committed to. It would be best for you to take care of yourself first. The hospital seemed to help you last time.
Me: ...You don't know me (him...with a look of surprise? or maybe a bit stunned or hurt that I said that)...when I commit it is almost impossible to not do the thing.
Me: ...My sister and brother-in-law are coming on the 11th for 4 days and my sister and her family are coming on the 12th for a day and night. My house is a disaster, disgusting, messy, dirty. I have to clean it, but I can barely move.
Dr.X.: You do not have to clean your house for your visiting relatives
Me: I DO have to clean my house. It's disgusting. Besides people will judge me for those sorts of things.
Dr. X.: People will judge you for all sorts of things, maybe it is important to let things go and allow the judgement and maybe allow your embarrassment to happen. (to learn I can't be embarrassed to death)
We made a list of all my commitments and went through each one and he tried to get me to see the world wouldn't end if I "uncommitted" to any of them.
We talked about the value of a hospital stay, but I know I cannot escape what I have said I will do. Maybe that is my way of pushing myself into the future? My way of ensuring I remain...I feel obligated? Who knows. All I know is I think I can hang on for a couple months and I am not committing to anything beyond that. Maybe then I can let myself get the help I need.
Anyways...it ended with him encouraging me to bring my old meds into our next session so he could dispose of them and I would no longer have them tormenting me with a means to an end.