Saturday, July 30, 2005


I became all paranoid last night and could not get to sleep...Midnight, 1:00am, 2:00am...argh...All I want is to be able to sleep.

I feel exhausted all afternoon and evening and then I go to bed and it is like my brain switches to overdrive. My thoughts start racing. I start thinking of everything that went on during the day and all the negative nuances to every action, or discussion I have had during the day become magnified.

Last night I started freaking out about my session. My pdoc told me about how one of his patients was feeling better, "but she would not think that was the case". I started wondering what the consequences would be if he thought that of me, but I still felt depressed.

What if he told the insurance company I was well, when I did not feel well? What if he tried to push me when I was not ready? What if I ended up back where I was when I was working? All I wanted to do then was kill myself, because I saw no other way out. I have this brutal work ethic. I simply could not get myself to leave for medical reasons. I felt I could not let everyone down, including myself. I felt like leaving was admitting failure and no matter what I could not let myself or other down, even if it was looking like I was going to literally kill myself at work.

I began having fantasies, and setting up plans to hang myself in the handicap washroom at work. I increasingly started writing letters to my family in my diary, explaining why I could not go on. I had a huge stash of different benzos and other psychotropic drugs. I had detailed, easy to do, plans on how to drown myself after taking all kinds of sleep meds. I was desperate for relief, but for some reason I identified myself so closely with my work, that I could not get myself to leave work to take care of my health.

I am so scared I will end up there again.


James said...

I can very much relate to your fears here. I can not work either and I am fighting right now for disability with a lawyer. I am terrified that the judge will say that I must work.

I too will probably kill myself if I have to do that again. I am glad that both of my doctors say that I am unable to work. I just wish the govt would listen to the doctors more.

Aqua said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Aqua said...

Hi James,
(It was me who removed my post above...i wanted to fix my spelling errors...I swear ECT destroyed the spelling centre of my brain)

I wish there was some magical way I could help you get on disability. I want you to know you were the inspiration for me starting my blogs...I would miss you if you decided to "go" please don't.
Take care,

Polar Bear said...

I can definately understand the paranoia. And those episodes always physically exhaust me. No idea why.

I also understand your brutal work ethic. I can be like that sometimes.

And sometimes, suicide does feel like the only way out. I've only recently discovered your blog. Please don't kill yourself. I'd like to read more of your posts.

Polar Bear

Dawn said...

i just linked upon your blog and and am finding it very interesting. i think it's great that you are sharing some of what happens in yout therapy. so, from one canadian to another hello, and i will be back to visit your blog.

Aqua said...

Thanks Polar Bear and Blogaholic,

I'm new to this blogging thing so the encouragement is helpful. I just learned yesterday how to add links to my blog so I'll add you both as I found each of yours interesting (and am sure others will too)and want to follow them also. Take care...

James said...

Awww thanks Aqua. I appreciate your desire to help me. I am humbled that I am your inspiration for starting this blog. I hope I continue to live up to the billing. Hehe.

No, worries. I have a long list of people to call If I feel like I am going to act on my suicidal feelings. Thanks for the concern. You are such a nice person and I am honored to know you.