Paranoia

I became all paranoid last night and could not get to sleep...Midnight, 1:00am, 2:00am...argh...All I want is to be able to sleep.

I feel exhausted all afternoon and evening and then I go to bed and it is like my brain switches to overdrive. My thoughts start racing. I start thinking of everything that went on during the day and all the negative nuances to every action, or discussion I have had during the day become magnified.

Last night I started freaking out about my session. My pdoc told me about how one of his patients was feeling better, "but she would not think that was the case". I started wondering what the consequences would be if he thought that of me, but I still felt depressed.

What if he told the insurance company I was well, when I did not feel well? What if he tried to push me when I was not ready? What if I ended up back where I was when I was working? All I wanted to do then was kill myself, because I saw no other way out. I have this brutal work ethic. I simply could not get myself to leave for medical reasons. I felt I could not let everyone down, including myself. I felt like leaving was admitting failure and no matter what I could not let myself or other down, even if it was looking like I was going to literally kill myself at work.

I began having fantasies, and setting up plans to hang myself in the handicap washroom at work. I increasingly started writing letters to my family in my diary, explaining why I could not go on. I had a huge stash of different benzos and other psychotropic drugs. I had detailed, easy to do, plans on how to drown myself after taking all kinds of sleep meds. I was desperate for relief, but for some reason I identified myself so closely with my work, that I could not get myself to leave work to take care of my health.

I am so scared I will end up there again.