Friday, July 22, 2005

Negative Rant

Okay...I realize my blurby about this blog talks about how positive my experience with therapy has been. That last post was pretty negative. But hey, I am depressed, what do you expect? I brought up my negative experience about the assertiveness group on a discussion board I belong to and was told by two different people that I should have stayed and brought up how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and what I saw as an alternative solution. Both people mentioned, and they are right, that nothing was acomplished by my just leaving.

I thought leaving would calm me down and make me feel less angry, irritated and anxious about the situation. Actually, I am feeling even more angry and anxious today because I am mad at myself for not being able to speak up....Argh!!!

Also, problem is, now I feel I not only owe the nurses an explanation, but that I my speaking up could help the rest of the people in that class, and the people coming to all the other classes. I know of at least 3 other people who have declined to go to courses at the hospital for this same reason. Maybe if I speak up more people will feel inclined to take advantage of the help available.

The irony of feeling unable to speak up, in a therapy group designed to help participants speak up, is not lost on me. I also recognize that quitting the group may not have been the best idea, when it could have been used as a valuable example of the exact circumstances in which I can never seem to speak up.

Those circumstances seem to be when an authority figure is the one I need to speak up to and when I feel it may become confrontational. I also have huge fears of being punished. So part of me fears I will not be treated well if I seek help with the hospital again. Must discuss in my therapy session today.


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