There is No Hope

I feel physically sick. I am so fatigued I feel nauseous. I have no energy. No motivation. No ability to get myself to do anything. All I want to do is sleep. I am so depressed I can't even do that.

So I stare at the ceiling thinking I can't take this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I cannot survive this depression anymore. The life I have is not worth all this pain.

I have to go visit my family in a few days. I am dreading it. They all want me to be happy. I want to be happy, but the energy it takes to be who they need me to be completely overwhelms me.

I wish I would die. Finally this would all be over.

What do you do if nothing helps your depression? How do you keep going? How do you survive?

Why Can't I Get Motivated

I want to go kayaking; slip through the ocean quietly and peacefully. I want to go camping. Pitch a tent, build a big fire, stare at the stars and listen to nature's peacefulness. I want to go for a bike ride. I want to go for a hike. I want to paint three paintings. I see them in my mind. I need to get them out of me.

I sit and stare at the wall. I want o change. Really I do. I want to be different. I want to DO things. I want to be active. I want to be busy.

The dishes pile up, and up and up. The laundry pile gets bigger and bigger and bigger. I feel completely overwhelmed by just the ordinary responsibilities of life. I feel overwhelmed even though I barely do anything.

I get up out of bed. I walk the dog. These are the two consistent things I manage to do.

Mostly, I feel suffocated by my existence. I feel ashamed for how little effort I put into helping myself get better. I feel like I waste Dr. X's time, because I know what I need to do. I need to DO. I need to get active. I need to participate in life. I need to work, to contribute.

Why then, do I just sit there staring at the wall for hours on end wishing my life would change?

Things that Make Me Feel Joy..

I search. that is what I do, and have always done. I search for meaning, for truth, for love, for joy, for hope and promise, and for understanding. Today I was (re)searching volunteering, or getting involved with, a church in my city whose members do absolutely incredible things for other people.

This church does a lot of work with and for people who have been pushed aside and seemingly discarded by a society that has the means to care for them, but seems to choose not to. They work for addicts, and street people, for those with mental illnesses and those who need more support than they receive through government programs.

As I was reading their website I came upon a list of their values. I won't write them all, but as I read this one I laughed (gleefully) at how beautiful it was:

" We value outrageous generosity".

Wow! I like that.