Sunday, December 13, 2009

In Hospital for ECT

I have been in the hospital since Monday and am receiving Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) treatments again. I had my first treatment on Friday. Everything went okay. I was a bit scared as I climbed onto the surgery rooms treatment table/bed. I have been through this before so I was no where near as scared as I was the first time I had ECT.

That said, I started to cry as I went under, because I was a bit scared, and I really feel like my life is not worth all this effort. Some of my tears were of shame, for being like I am.

When I woke from the anaesthetic I was very confused and had no idea where I was, or why...and all the people staring down at me on the table really freaked me out. As soon as the nurse explained where I was I remembered and calmed down...(I almost felt, for a brief moment, like I had been abducted).

It surprises me, but as soon as I got into the hospital I felt better on a scale of 1-10 than I have in a long time....maybe years. This confuses me and makes me wonder if I am just weak, and need to be taken care of (it is really hard for me to even think that... I want so badly to be able to care for myself). I am still really depressed, but not near as depressed as I have been in the past few months.

I believe some of the lift is because, while I am in the hospital, I have no real responsibilities. I was really stressed out about all the things I was supposed to be doing: teaching art classes, helping teach a class, walk my dog 3-4 times a day, feed my dog, do all I need to do around my house like cook, shop, clean etc., etc.

My sister phoned me back and said she would take my dog for me. Thank god. My other sister came over to my city and took me to the hospital, and stayed with me for the 9.5 hours it took me to get admitted.

Yes, you read that right. I sat in emergency from 8:30am until 6:00pm. It was so stressful. I must have repeated my exact same story to 5 or 6 different people, nurses, nurse liaisons, residents, dr's, psychiatrists. I do not understand how this can be more efficient than having my own psychiatrist say I need an inpatient stay and calling me when a bed is available.

Anyways, I have ECT treatments Mon, Wed, and Friday next week. I have my laptop with me, but cannot figure out how to get access to the wifi here. I will write when I can, but I just want to tell you I am in a safe place, getting the treatment I need.

15 comments:

Harriet said...

Aqua - it's good to hear from you. I'm so glad your sister came through and you are able to have the treatments. I'll be thinking about you.

findingmecrazy said...

I'm glad you finally got your treatment, and it's your sister waited with you.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Aqua. Great you're getting the help you need now. Hopefully you'll be able to look forward to Christmas now that you may be able to enjoy it a bit more.

It's not that surprising that you felt much better just getting into hospital. The anxiety of not knowing when the depression will end and worrying how you are going to cope day to day with no-one to help you etc was dissipated as soon as you were admitted. It just shows what a huge role anxiety plays in worsening depression and prolonging depressive episodes. It really is a vicious cycle.

At least you've broken that cycle now.

Hope you continue to feel better.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Rach said...

Aqua, I'm really really glad you're getting the help you need.

Dr Shock said...

Take care, Dr Shock

Anonymous said...

hi aqua,***hugs you***good to hear you are in a safe place, being cared for. i hope you know it's ok to not be coping with life, it can be so hard (as well as beautiful, touching, challenging, surprising and a whole myriad of other experiences), so you gotta remember its ok to not be coping, you are only human after all! we are all still learning whilst in the ever constant assurance of change. thank you for sharing your journey with us, with me, just another fellow human being, always learning, being influenced, influencing others,forever always learning, this is where yours and mine and every other humans true value really exists xox

merope3 said...

i'm glad to hear you are ok and getting the therapy you want. I was beginning to worry since you hadn't posted for so long.

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kara said...

I am thankful to read your post. I will say a prayer for you.

The fearless threader said...

I am so glad to have found your blog. As a person living with clinical depression since my early teens, I am now in my 40's I know what a continuous struggle it is. I also know that even when I have been at my worst points I have always wanted to be better, and I am so glad to hear you feeling the same. Stay focussed on getting well. My wishes are with you. Big hugs from Sheffield, England.

Ben Klempner, MSW said...

Aqua- Your blog is a great asset to those of us involved with depression, as well as those of us involved with helping people out, through, and around depression. Having read through your posts as well as some of the blogs you recently looked at I thought you might also be interested in the blog I just wrote about a client of mine who suffered from depression (http://www.effectivefamilycommunication.com). I would value your comments on that post. Thanks for sharing and inspiring.
-Ben

Lola Snow said...

Hey Aqua, just wanted to say that I am thinking of you, and hope things are looking brighter, where ever you may be. Sending my love.

Lola x

Rach said...

Aqua,
just wanted to tell you that i'm thinking of ya... i hope you've found support and help through the ECT and the hospital stays.

Lookin forward to your blog updates when you feel up to it.
~R

Ethereal Highway said...

Aqua, are you okay? I keep checking here. I just hope you are okay. Please say something.

merope3 said...

Just wondering how you are doing; haven't seen a post in a long time...