Friday, September 11, 2009

I'm an Afterthought...and that hurts.

I feel like just sitting in my corner chair and staring, or laying in bed all day...waiting impatiently for each minute, each hour, each day to end.

Dr. X says...(I am paraphrasing with my understanding of what he said...I can't remember exactly what he said), I need to hold on to the moments of happiness, or the moments of joy I do have. That if my mood remains like this I need to try to recognize there are moments that I enjoy.

That is not the life I want. I do not feel a life with extended periods of intensely painful and severe depression symptoms punctuated by brief moments worth experiencing is, for me, a life worth experiencing.

I know, and believe that for some people this might work, or sustain them. I think I used to manage by knowing this would pass, and things would get better. I no longer believe that. I am so tired of trying, and failing to get well.

I am so sick of trying treatments, therapy, medicines that never work, tired of trying to explain what is going on to my family (who I love so immensely it hurts). It hurts so much that I love them and need them and want so badly for them to understand me, to reach out, to help me...and they don't seem to get how much I need them.

I was thinking about why, at 44, I still so desperately need my family's approval, love and support. It feels so childish. I realized yesterday that a life is worth experiencing and living if you have someone who thinks of you on a regular basis. It is as though you really exist if someone wants and needs you here. I mean really needs the way I desperately need my family.

I used to feel my Mom was like that. She would call me and ask how I was, and as if I was okay, or wanted to talk. She always had time for me. She went out of her way to love me, to visit me, to include me in all family functions. I remember thinking there was something pathological about how much I needed my Mom all the time. I was very independent and too care of myself, but always there was an underlying need to be loved by my Mom. It seemed unadult like on one hand, but on the other hand her love sustained me through even the worst of the worst.

Now I feel like my Dad and Stepmom see me as the "problem child" and have taken a ..."wait til she hits rock bottom stance" though I were an addict in need of toughlove, rather than mentally ill. I feel as though they actually avoid me.

note: I don't believe addiction is treatable with toughlove...I think it is an illness too. I think all humans need love and compassion to fulfill themselves.

My sisters' have their own family's to worry I am a passing thought. I feel so alone. I feel lie a burden. I feel like I am an afterthought, a sister and daughter who has completely disappointed her family. I feel avoided. I want my Mom back.


Friend of the Bear said...

Hi. I feel lonely too. My mother died many years ago and my father hasn't called me in the last decade. I tried with him, but no dice. He just wasn't interested. I truly am completely alone with my depression and feelings of helplessness.

At least your father is interested in talking to you. At least you have a boyfriend, even if it is not perfect. Nothing is ever perfect. But you do have people who care about you and care if you wake up tomorrow and would miss you if you didn't.

So you have more than some of us.

I know the frustration of persistent mental illness. I also know it is just a fraction easier to bear when there are other people near by. Remember, it is your depression that makes you think they do not care. It is not a true reflection of reality.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Aqua said...

Hi Friend of Bear,
Thanks for taking the time to comment.I am so sorry to hear about your Mom passing. I am also sad to hear you are so alone. I know I have some people around me who love me. I guess I really should feel lucky.

When I wrote this post I was concerned I would come across as whiny given I know there are those who love me. I didn't write this post very well...because I was tired, and trying to express my difficulty feeling so much intense love for my family; it is almost like I want so badly to be an old fashioned connected extended family, where we all care for and take care of each other, and support each other. This type of a dynamic feels like an intense need in me...but no such family exists since my Mom died.

It may have sound like my Dad communicates with me, but my Dad has no interest in talking to me either. He avoids me like the plague. If we talk it is always me initiating the talk, and it infintisimely small part of the time...goes well.

Sorry if my post hurt you. I really hope you are able to find a supportive and connecting relationship. It sounds like the Bear has been that for you in the past. I have not read enough of your blog to find out what has made that relationship less fullfilling to you, but I hope it can return to its full beauty like in your profile statement.

Take care,

Harriet said...

You don't sound whiny, you sound like you are in pain. I'm sorry that you feel that you have disappointed your family. I have a feeling that is not true though. The way they act should not be a reflection of you. You have done many things to make your family proud, your mom was proud of you so you must know you never disappointed her. Your family is just not supportive, and I'm sorry for that. It sucks.

As for having moments of happiness - I know how you feel. Who just wants moments? Are moments of happiness enough? I think we're in agreement that moments are not enough.