Rembrandt van Rijn Abraham and Isaac 1634. Oil on canvas 158 x 117 cm (62 x 46 in.)
may trigger...includes suicidal thoughts.
My sister called me and told me my 9 year old niece had been told about sex by a couple kids at school. My niece got it into her head that it was an awful thing to know about and that she would get in trouble for knowing about it. She began acting really strange and my sister asked her what was wrong...and she blurted it all out..full of all her nine year old angst about thinking such bad thoughts.
She told her Mom that when the kids told her she could not get the images and thoughts out of her mind and the more she tried to get rid of them the more she thought about them.
My sister, being the loving and level headed Mom she is asked her what thoughts she was having. At first my niece was horror struck by the thought of sharing such awful thoughts with her Mom. So my sister explained to my niece that we all have tons of thoughts, some even awful, going through our heads all the time. They are just thoughts. They can't hurt us.
To prove the point she said to my niece, "I'll show you...over the next few minutes, while we are driving I will say out loud all the thoughts I have. So she began:
- What was she thinking...that dress is awful (seeing some woman dressed in a "bad" dress.
- Look at him!
- I'm so hungry
- Brandi made me so mad today
- argh, why are people such crappy drivers
- etc., etc.
I wish my intrusive thoughts were about kissing. Here is how they manifest themselves in me...over and over and over again. I spend a lot of time considering, planning and trying to push myself to commit suicide. I notice, now that I have seen the thoughts written down, trying to find reasons why that might not be a good idea (at least for my dog).
Here is a stream of consciousness example of the thoughts that have gone through my head in the last 5 minutes. I have these thoughts throughout the day, almost everyday.
Please know they are only thoughts. I have had these kinds of thoughts during every depressive episode I have ever had. I have never attempted suicide.
On a huge level I know they are only thoughts...but I feel so worn down by both them and my depression. I wish I could get rid of them. Also, while I am having them I don't feel I am aware they are only thoughts...it feels like I am trying to compel myself to commit suicide.
- Your life is a waste.
- kill yourself.
- do it.
- you have the means
- you could take all your hoarded pills.
- my head is so heavy.
- I feel sick.
- I don't want to live anymore.
- why live when everyday is a struggle to live.
- kill yourself.
- you could leave a note on the door for someone to get your dog afterwards.
- Or you could e-mail dr.x and let him now you are dead and the dog needs help.
- but that's awful, how could I even think doing that would be okay.
- imagine how he would feel if I did that.
- After all he has done for me.
- I'm evil for thinking the way I do.
- I just don't know how to keep trying when I feel so depressed.
- Why do I have to feel like this.
- I'm not evil, I just can't take it anymore.
- Why do I never get better.
- I have done this to myself.
- I have destroyed my life.
- I wish I would die.
- Why do I have to live?
- Why can't I just go and have everyone know it is better for me to go.
- I could hang myself.
- It would feel so good for my head to be gone.
- that tree in the park.
- the one with all the huge limbs.
- I could climb up to the top and...
- what about Skookum.
- I could tie him to the base of the tree.
- Someone would find him.
- What if a bad person found him?
- I could leave a note on myself with my sister's #.
- my sister would take him.
- what if no one found me soon enough.
- What if got attacked by coyotes?
- what if he starved to death before someone found him?
- I can't do that to him.
- How can I die and make it be okay for everyone else?
- It's not like there are many "everyone else's".
- The people I do love really matter.
- I wish I could get better.
- God I am so sick of myself.
- imagine what it is like for everyone around me.
- I wish I could be put to sleep.
- Then I would die and not fuck up and end up brain-damaged and still alive.
- I couldn't handle that.
- WTF...I can't handle this.
- Please make all this stop.
- etc., etc., etc.
I really am amazed I have lasted this long with such ideas in my head. I just noticed too that I talk to myself in the 2nd person...like I'm distancing myself from my self.