Monday, August 03, 2009

How do I Keep Trying if Nothing Works?

I have been both afraid to write and too unwell to do much of anything. I want my blog to show how I keep trying, but I am having trouble with that right now. A therapy appointment a week and medications that do not work are not enough to support me. I am really struggling to continue.

Why is it with physical pain they give people in excruciating pain some type of pain relieving medications? Yet when a person is in intense psychic/mental pain there is nothing that can at least numb that pain until the medications work? In fact for me, it seems, nothing will ever work.

Do you know how many years of my life have been spent in Major Depression? I wasn't diagnosed before, but I figure it works out to close to twenty years altogether. That is almost half my life.

The irony is that until this MDE of 8 years and the 4 years prior, I saw myself as a pretty happy person, except during the periods of depression: Happy go lucky, funny, charming, loved life, a bit wild, creative, outdoorsy, ntelligent, flirtatious, well read etc..

I am no longer happy go lucky. If my mood switches upwards I spend all my energy trying to maintain that mood. I don't have time for happy go lucky. I am fighting a brutally difficult and deadly battle now.

I don't want to keep trying. I am worn out. I am so exhausted by all my trying and failing. I am so sick of using every ounce of my energy to complete the smallest of tasks. So often I find myself unable to muster the mood, motivation and momentum to even do those.

I am not talking about tasks like getting back to work . I mean things like doing my dishes, my laundry, cleaning my bathtub, cooking food or eating better than Cheetos and peanut butter oatmeal cookies, even walking my dog sluggishly around the neighbourhood, or visiting friends who I truly love. For years these have been intensely difficult tasks for me.

These past few weeks I have been even more intensely depressed than my usual. I do not know what to do. I think of suicide, and plan how I am going to go, much of my waking hours. I have written my goodbye to my sisters, I feel so depressed that I feel sick to my stomach. My body aches. I feel like I can barely move. I have been sleeping, or trying to sleep much of the afternoon. The rest of the time I sit in my chair and stare at the wall. I am completely unmotivated, so fatigued that getting up to walk the dog takes me forever, just to get out of the chair, I sit in my p.j's all day. I am even too tired to put my suicide plans into action. It is possible to be to depressed to kill oneself. I cry and cry and cry. I feel so alone. I feel hopeless and exhausted.

I am afraid to really tell people in my life how depressed I am. I am afraid of them leaving me because I am too difficult to be around. I feel like life is impossible to continue. I feel it is not worth continuing. I have tried so many things and still here I sit severely depressed faced with the rest of my life continuing like this.

Please there must be something to stop this pain. How the hell do I keep trying when nothing works?


Drew said...

I know exactly how u feel. I am married with 3 kids living in the suburbs. i should be a very happy man, but I can't figure my life out. I have been depressed since i was young. My mother suffered with depression. she was diagnosed manic depressive and the manic part was real manic. I'm talking naked driving the car at 70 m.p.h. down gravel roads manic.
I have been trying religion for help, but now I just have more issues not less. My marriage is like a prison. And like u said, I spend my "happy" times searching for answers on how not to return to this state of depression.
Ultimately, I would like someone or something to put me out of my misery.

Drew said...

Hey, if u ever want to comisserate
my e-mail is

Harriet said...

Oh Aqua, I'm so sorry. I don't feel like I can offer any help at all, since all I do is think about my suicide plans. Remember - you said you were concerned that your sisters would be hurt, and your dog would be alone. Those were important concerns to you. Maybe those two things will keep you going, keep you trying. Maybe something will work.

I know you feel alone, but you're not alone. We're all out here.

xthedestroyer said...

Wow.....That's terrible. But Thankfully you are too tired to put your plans into action. You would be very sorely missed by a lot of people I am betting. Please, please, please don't give up. Not only are there people in life who love and care for you, but I am betting your blog here helps a lot of people deal just a little better. All the comments I have read thus far have indicated that. You are a special person with a special purpose. I will say reading this makes my heart cry and at the same time is oddly comforting cause I know im not the only one who feels this awful, as do a lot of others. Whatever you do is ultimately up to you, but know that you are loved, appreciated and respected by those around you both here and the net as well. I normally don't publicize this, but will give you my email as well in case you EVER need to talk. Anytime, sweetie. Please, hang in there. We all love ya!

Valerie said...

I remember feeling how you are feeling. I even return to that state of mind periodically, even though I'm on medication that "mostly" works. It is so frustrating to be at rock bottom.

Have you ever been in an inpatient program? It may be just the thing you need. Many people find that they FINALLY get the much-needed medical attention to find something that truly works.

Just a thought...

Try and hang in there.

Kelly said...

I just stumbled onto this blog.

I'm feeling low at the moment. I don't think my current cocktail is doing quite the wonderful job it was before. Hopelessness is coming back and I feel trapped.

I wish I knew what to tell you...I have no idea myself what to do.

Therapy next week. Ugh.

Kelly said...

Hang in there. I'm hanging in there, too.

Eliza Jane said...

I don't know what to say because I can relate to a lot of what you are writing here, and I always get irritated when people try to reassure I don't want to reassure you. (I get poster's regret when I write comments sometimes, I worry that I am saying things that would irritate ME if someone said them to me).

You wrote here that you feel so alone right now. I don't know what to say to this either, but I wish that you felt less alone right now.

I wish that I could do something for you right now. When I feel the way that you are feeling I feel so desperate for someone to take care of me. Most of the time I fantasize about lying in bed, sleeping, while someone in the next room cooks all of my favourite dishes. I would not have to talk to this person, we wouldn't have to interact at all, I would feel better just knowing that someone was present in the house. I would feel cared for and safe, and that would make it easier to ride this out.

So that is what I wish for you, Aqua: I wish that there was someone in your life right now who would act like your Mom a little bit! I wish that someone would stay with you and take care of you and cook good things for you and make sure that you knew that you were NOT alone, that you were safe and loved and cared for.

Eliza Jane said...

I just need to add: I want very badly to do something concrete for you right now. I wish that you did not feel so alone.

I live in the same city as you do, so I really can provide you with some concrete assistance, if you will allow me to. I know that for myself there would be nothing worse than having to interact with a stranger right now, so I don't want to offer that.

But when people are sick with a physical illness people in the community offer to help out in very practical ways. So that is exactly what I will offer you, if this is something you will accept: I will cook you meals for your freezer and I will do your dishes.
When I don't know what to do I want to cook/ bake for people, and I want very badly to cook/bake for you right now. I know that this does not really solve anything, but I want you to feel cared for. (Because when I feel awful this is what I want).

My email is

Aqua said...

Thanks for all the support. I am really sorry to hear anyone feels like I do, but it also makes me feel less alone too.

When I speak of feeling lonely/alone I mean more in an existential sense; in that my struggle is mine alone and only I can understand the intensity and wrath of my pain.

It is comforting to know each of you care. It doesn't take the pain away, or even lessen it, but it makes me feel some responsibility for hanging on because I care for each of you too.

Drew: Church can be a comforting community, and may be an important part of a treatment plan, but I really pray you are seeing a psychiatrist too. When we are this depressed we need medical help for our ilness/es...both for ourselves and our children/family.

Aqua said...

Eliza Jane:
You said,

"I get poster's regret when I write comments sometimes, I worry that I am saying things that would irritate ME if someone said them to me)".

I have never thought there was anything wrong with any comment you have made. In fact I thought the opposite, that you are exceedingly supportive and caring.

I challenge you to leave your suportive comments up, both so I can reread them and feel supported each time, but also, and more importantly, to help you learn how valuable you and your support of others is.

You hit the nail on the head when you wished for me to have someone like my Mom here to support and care for me. If my Mom were alive I would get in my car and go stay at her place right now. I miss here so much.

Eliza Jane said...

Aqua, I have not been feeling very well lately (actually, I have been feeling better for the past 2 weeks or so, but before that I was feeling very shaky), and all I could think was: I want my MOMMY! (I don't always mean MY Mom, either, I just want a Mom when I feel like this!)). I bought a plane ticket home (3000 miles away) and for 4 days I stayed with my Mom and she took care of me. It made me feel better. I wish it for you. I was feeling better even before this trip, but this trip helped me feel cared for. Sometimes I panic that I am going to fall apart, I won't be able to keep moving....

I think that I know what you mean about feeling alone in an existential sense....But often it seems to me that this goes hand in hand with feeling alone in a very real, practical sense.

Sometimes for me what feels so awful is this feeling that I am the only one who can save myself, and this responsibility feels huge. I keep trying to understand this: I can feel so awful, at times become consumed with feeling desperate to die (but then get so panicky at the thought that I could not physically complete any suicide, I can't think of any available method to me that I could use, and I panic that I could not kill myself even if I needed to), but when I question myself I think, But I will not kill myself right now. This is not a position of strength, it is like acknowledging that I am powerless to do anything about my need to die! I feel like I am stuck here, and I panic, because there are no exits.

But what I mean about this sense of aloneness in a practical sense is: What is so awful for me is this thought that sometimes I feel so desperate-- and so consumed with these thoughts-- and I keep hearing about needing to tell someone about them etc etc etc etc. I am blessed also with an incredible psychiatrist, he is supportive and kind etc, and I am always open with him about my thoughts also. But the point is: No matter how supportive he is, I am always alone with those thoughts, and he cannot prevent my suicide. That is exactly what makes ME feel alone. I want someone to do something!-- but there is nothing practical that can be done. There is no point in hospitalization, as I always understand that I am not at an imminent risk of killing myself. What is so awful is wrestling with these thoughts, and knowing that no matter how kind he is, or how supportive, he is still just a person, and he cannot save me from this. This is what makes me panic sometimes. There is this huge disconnect between what people can offer and what THIS is, and I can't see any relationship between whatever practical services people can provide and this feeling of desperation/ feeling overwhelmed/ scared etc. This is also what scares me about suicide, this idea of being alone as I died. I guess this is a kind of existential loneliness, but it is also practical, because I often fantasize about dying in a room filled with people I love.

I'm sorry for the long comment, but reading your posts makes me feel so sad sometimes, because I see that you are suffering so much, and I can't believe any of the false reassurances that I want to give you. I just think that this is hard. I wish that you felt better.

Drew said...

Aqua, your prayers are deeply appreciated. I was feeling very low the last couple of days.
The reasons are insignificant. The pain is real. It affects us physically as well as emotionally. but, i am reminded that these times of trial and testing will either make us better or bitter.
Thats why, so far I have rejected any form of medication. Also, I have not had the same terrible lows that my mother suffered. Or the extreme highs.
Although i do think about ending the race, I can't do that myself.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I don't know what to say--I'm in the same boat. I think about hanging myself all the time--day and night. The sick thing? When I can't sleep? My mind instantly goes to thinking about hanging and how much release that would be. I don't know how I manage to keep going every day but I do.

And I totally related to this: "I am even too tired to put my suicide plans into action. It is possible to be to depressed to kill oneself."

Bingo. I'm told being this depressed is a good thing because It keeps me alive. But that certainly doesn't mean that the desire to be done with this world goes away. I'm exhausting and feel like my mind is falling apart like a building being demolished in slow-motion.

Anonymous said...

Even though I hate my life most of the time, and it the happiest times get shorter and harder to remember or hold on to.....I feel for some reason deep down inside there is a part of me that thinks "what if something good finally happens to me"... something i've really hoped for but never got. i will never know what that would feel like if i end it. and sometimes i don't care. i just know myself and i know how frequently i change my mind about EVERYTHING. what if i pull the trigger...will i instantly regret it? or will there be regret because there will be nothing left of me to witness what i've done, not even my spirit. how can someone hate himself/herself SO much? HOW? I have more hatred for me than anyone on this planet. I am so utterly disgusted by myself but yet I allow myself to stay alive only to torture myself. I must get something out of hating myself. I must want to be tortured...tormented so that I will never know what its like to be happy...what its like to be free. i came across this post and thought i'd just write exactly how i felt. how i want to die (again). for the person that created this blog, maybe you'll find comfort in hearing about someone else's struggle. maybe you won't.