When I feel this depressed, even with all the love, all the people I love, and all the things I love to do surrounding me..I feel nothing but my emptiness and almost an intensified depression. I don't know why, but sometimes I feel even more alone than when I am really alone.
I do not believe in "the power of positive thinking". I think those who suggest that thinking positively will make good things happen are suffering from a bout of magical thinking. This does not mean I do not believe positive thinking is a good thing.
I definitely believe that gathering all the good things in my life together and making lists of things I feel good about, grateful for, or that increase the likelihood of my being happy, if only for a while, even a brief moment; I absolutely believe that focusing attention on the things I DO have helps me at least momentarily. I also know that for me it sometimes takes my attention away from all my morbid and self loathing thoughts.
These lists are never easy to start, but once I begin I can usually think of more things than I expected I would be able to. This list was started because I read Eliza Jane's post about reading my post of the 20 things I love...kind of funny, but here I go:
- I love the smell of the dirt in the early evening, on a hot summer day
- I love long walks in my bare feet in the wet sand left behind by a retreating tide
- I love tidal pool full of starfish, sea anemones and all kind of tiny little creatures.
- I love seeing wildlife when I go for a walk, or am on the ocean; white tailed deer, elk, raccoons, squirrels, chipmunks, skunks, crows, whales, dolphins, all kinds of fish...and a couple times a black bear...I love all animals.
- I love it in the morning when my dog wakes up and pushes his head into my belly and gives me a "hug".
- I love a (reasonably) warm summer day.
- I love a crisp autumn day...sweater weather is my favourite time of year.
- I love looking over at my boyfriend in bed and seeing him sleeping like a baby. he is so beautiful I wish I could capture that moment forever.
- I love those flitting, seductive kisses where you look into your partner's eyes and kiss softly, and pull back, and kiss lightly again, and tease, and touch lips, and so on, and so forth. I love the feeling that rushes through my body during these kisses.
- I love the intense and deep kisses that happen during lovemaking, when you and your partner are trying to take each other deeper into your being.
- I love sharing stories with friends and/or partners late into the night. It is the feeling of growing closer and closer with each shared story that intensifies my relationships with others. (sort of like logging and reading blogs).
- I love my family: my boyfriend, my two sisters,my nieces, and my dad and stepmom.
- I love going for coffee with my girlfriends E and H. Actually I love spending time with them anytime.
- I love, and look forward to seeing Dr. X. Even if I feel awful he always calms me and helps me feel a bit of hope. He is such a beautiful human being. Very much like my Mom.
- I love seeing the moon in the sky. I see it as a symbol representing my Mom...so when I see it I always say, "Hi Mom". It makes me fell like maybe, just maybe, some part of her still exists and is loving, watching over and protecting me.
- I love an interesting movie. Here are a couple I recently saw and found fascinating... "Chapter 27"(about John Lennon's killer's state of mind...very interesting. Despite what he did, I found myself feeling so compassionate for him), "Million Dollar Hotel", (about some mentally ill patients truly lost in a SRO hotel)
- I love it when I finally get the energy to paint and hours go by and I find I was completely lost in my painting...not a single bad thought...just creative energy flowing from hand to brush to canvas.
- I love reading my blogger friends blogs. They inspire me, and make me feel less alone.
- I love cooking for other people. I can't manage to cook for myself, but on Tuesdays I join my boyfriend and we cook for about 20 people. I love it and always put a lot of thought and effort into the meal. For some reason cooking for all these people seems easier than even making myself toast. go figure.
- I love the a good massage, the smells, sounds and feel of horses, a horseback ride and swimming...and that is what I am doing for a few days this week. I am going to a relaxing dude ranch to do some dude ranch stuff...like rides, and spa treatments and farm animal sightings, and multiple swims in the pool everyday...
Yeehah!! Ride em cowboy!!!"