Friday, May 22, 2009

Cycling Downward

Sometimes life seems like a something I am forced to endure. I am, once again cycling rapidly down into hell despite all the help, medications, support and treatment I receive.

There have been so many times when I have believed euthanasia would be the kindest treatment. In the paper yesterday there was an oped piece about how people who believed in euthanasia were stupid. Her argument was based on someone saying an 18 year old depressed person should have the right to die. The writer wrote the piece as though it were impossible to be rational and hold this position.

I kept thinking how clearly I could see where this might be the kindest treatment for some 18 year old people, along withsome 20, 30, 40, 50 year oldpeople and older people as well. It doesn't come down to age for me, but for suffering.

I can understand how an 18 year old might have gone through so many treatments, attempts to help them, and nothing working. I kept thinking the woman writing the piece has no clue how painful depression can be or how it can destroy your soul and all your hope and desire to live..

Even when I feel okay there is always an underlying desire to die. Certainly, even when I become high I would understand if the other side of me ended it all. Life is just too hard to manage sometimes.

When I began psychiatric treatment, and when I was in therapy all the times before that, I expected to get" "better". My definition of better requires I become well like I am when I feel "right and good" AND that I stay that way forever.

It used to happen. I used to become better for really long periods of time, sometimes a couple years at a time. That created hope in me. It made me think that it was possible to live a normal life, to want to keep trying.

I think the reality is now that I need to accept I will cycle forever; accept my mood will go up, but crashing eventually is a certainty. So why bother trying? why stay in treatment? Why take medications when you aren't any more protected from your depression than without them. I am really wondering if it is worth trying anymore.


Hannah said...

{{HUGS}} hope your mood gets better soon!
Hann x

jcat said...

A, you have gone through a lot of change in the past few weeks, and most of it has been incredibly stressful. It would be enough to make the average happy person depressed and suicidal. It would be surprising if it didn't have an impact on your mood. You do have a slight advantage over Ms Average, in that you have some experience of this, and you have Dr X and some other support in place.

I think that instead of looking at this dive as being part of a downward cycle, you could maybe see it as a justified depression. There is plenty of cause for it, and you have gotten through the worst bits already. You can get through this aftershock as well...


P.S. I think the idea of Amsterdam as a halfway meeting point is brilliant!!

Aqua said...

Thanks both of you. I appreciate the support.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Wow, we are having almost exactly the same issues it seems. I sooo relate to this statement you made:

Even when I feel okay there is always an underlying desire to die.I TOTALLY am for euthanasia--especially when people have a terminal illness. It's funny, even though I do pretty good at avoiding suicide--at times--I feel like that if I survived to be like 70 something that I'll probably kill myself. Whether euthanasia is legal or not.

I don't think it's right to ask someone to not only deal with losing their mind but their physical capabilities--just to use the bathroom.

Longevity of life isn't everything--in fact it's nothing without a decent quality of life.

We mentally ill aren't look for special treatment--we just want to be able to live ONE DAY without worrying how we'll get through it.