Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Not Sustainable

I had a pdoc session on Tuesday. My mood dropped dramatically this past week. I'd say much of the time it is flat/apathetic which is still higher than severely depressed so for that I am grateful. Dr. X. did not seem surprised by my lower mood. He said while he loved to see me feeling so happy last week the energy behind my mood simply was not sustainable. Funny that was not what I HEARD last week. I thought he thought I could be that happy. Hmmm. Wishful thinking I guess. I must have misheard him.

I know what he means though. Looking back to last Tuesday I had so much energy behind my mood that in his office I was almost bouncing off the walls.

I cried much of this week's session. I was okay until he asked me how my exercising was going. It's not. When he asked me this wave of shame flushed over my body. How can I know exercising would be good for me and not be able to get doing it? I have so much resistance in this area.

First Dr. X. is at a disadvantage because I know I am projecting my father onto him. My Dad used to berate me and belittle me into exercising. I was skinny as a rail and he would tell me I was fat. He would make fun of my butt, my hips, my whole body after I went through puberty. I'm 5'9" and in high school I weighed 125lbs...that's NOT fat. HE would cajole me into going bike riding or exercising any opportunity he had. Maybe his intent was to keep me healthy and skinny, but all it really did was make me feel bad about my body. His methods led to me being extremely resistant to wanting to exercise. SO when Dr. X asks me...I think all those feelings come up unconsciously.

Also...and this will sound stupid...I am obsessed with the passing of time and I am afraid if I take the time to exercise I will not have the time or energy to keep up with my other the volunteering I do at the Studio, or the art I do myself. This type of thinking is so entrenched in me that when I begin thinking of exercising I think..."if I exercise at 9:00am, how am I going to keep exercising when I begin working again. I can't work and exercise, so why even start exercising" I begin stressing out that I won't be able to keep up with my volunteering, and working and why bother trying.

Dr. X. says there is a paradox in this thinking. What I may find if I begin exercising is that rather than the exercise sapping me of energy, it may provide me with more energy. Rather than it taking up time, it may make me feel like I have more time and energy for other things.

I understand what he is saying on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level I have a hard time believing it. I don't know why I think this way. It is as though when I do things I need be 100% sure I will always be able to keep doing those things or why start. If I can't get that assurance I get so stressed out. Stupid I know, but unfortunately that is the way I think and I cannot seem to change that thinking no matter how hard I try.

1 comment:

jcat said...

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling as great as you were, although pdoc is probably right in saying that it was just too high-energy to sustain. Glad though that it's not down, at least.

What you say about exercise is so true. All of it, from the knowing it might be good for you, onwards.
Even the time thing. Logically, I know I'm only spending an hour with PT. But it negates the whole morning somehow - other than feeding birds, that hour and bathing before and after and collapsing for a while afterwards... I end up not being able to leave home or do anything else until 11h30. And there is no way I could manage that if I ever got a real job again.

Actually, that applies to most things. I know conceptually that I used to work a 70-90 hour week and still do other stuff, but I don't know how. I can't even concieve of how I used to do 45 hours at the centre and still fit in contract work and a social life as well. My world has narrowed down to seeing tdoc, seeing pdoc and doing some birds and contracting at home. Anything more than that throws me completely.
Scary how being a stuff-up can take over a whole life....