I am Flying High

I went to see my pdoc this a.m. and this is how I described myself: "I feel like I am vibrating". "You ARE vibrating" is Dr. X's response. It's true. I "danced" in my car the whole 45 minute drive to my appointment. Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Stadium Arcadium" cranked as loud as my stereo can manage, tapping my fingers, bopping my head, rocking to the music.

A symptom of feeling better: I want to dance. I am singing all the time. I LOVE loud music. I love people. People LOVE me. There was a girl at the gas station yesterday. I could tell she was hitting on me. She couldn't stop talking to me. Even though I had no intention of following through I led her on because she was captivating and I loved the attention. The pharmascist was the same today. Usually he says a salutary, "Hello". Today he spoke with me about my pdoc, about the drive out to the University, about other Dr's and their handwriting. He joked with me the whole time like he was my friend. I liked him.

This is not me when I am depressed. When I am depressed I shrink. I hide. I pretend no one sees me. No one likes me. When happy I am BIG: big voice, big smile, take big risks, big wide open arms to everyone.

In my appointment I had some concerns that I might be switching into mania. This "vibrating" for instance. I am literally wired for sound. I have constant snippets of piano music (Schumann in particular) running through my head. Imagine them in real time...mine are racing through my head at mach speed. I tried to hum it to my sister the other day and she said it was incomprehensibly fast. The music will not stop. It is going on even when I am talking to others, when I am sleeping it wakes me up. It's been like this for almost 2 weeks now.

Which brings me to another worry about getting manic. I am not sleeping. I sleep for 2-3 hours and then at 2-2:30 I wake up and am awake until 5-5:30, then fall asleep for 1 or 2 hours if I'm lucky. I don't miss the sleep at all. I have tons of energy.

I asked Dr. X. if I should be concerned and he pointed to the fact that I have never been manic. (Although he has told me there is a bipolarity in my mood disorder and that my highs look very much like hypomania). I asked him if I would have insight that I was manic if I was. He said that's the problem with mania. People do not have insight. I am going to trust him that this is just a high mood. I am sure he will let me know if I am too high.

I thought about it in my appointment today and I thought maybe this mood is just so foreign to me that it seems too high. Maybe it is really just a good mood and I'm not used to that. I've been so depressed for so long that I forgot what good feels like.

I do remember that my good mood always seemed to display itself more intensely than other people's good mood. I was always the one who couldn't stop dancing, singing, swearing (blush!), talking loud, getting excited and excitable. Even as an adult I was like a delighted and ebullient child when happy. Right now I am thrilled to be alive, I see my potential, and I feel so happy, even with the annoying music in my head.