Saturday, October 01, 2005

Wellness Within

My Mom came to my Pdoc appointment yesterday. She is dying and wanted to know if I am, and will be, in good hands. She also had some concerns about how dependent she felt I was on my Pdoc.

She told him her worries and he said, in fact he encourages a maternal type of dependence. The type of dependence that will allow me to feel safe enough to grow. He and I have discussed this issue at length because I am what he calls, "fiercely independent"...(translation...stubborn)...and I hate being dependent on anyone or anything.

Part of why leaving my job was so hard is because I had to give over my autonomy to some degree. Suddenly I am not in control of my financial situation. Given my current inability to work the insurance company and the government are who I rely on financially. This stresses me out, so much so that I see people spying on me all the time. I feel like I am being watched. I feel like they are looking for any excuse to boot me off insurance before I am well enough to take care of myself.

Last month the insurance company sent a letter to my pdoc asking for all his notes from all our sessions...this freaked, and freaks, me out. I was forced to sign an authorization to disclose the information, or I would not receive insurance. So much for "consent". I feel so unsafe now and wish I had not said some of the things I did about feeling I was being spied upon, about not liking my job, about being afraid of losing my insurance etc., etc.

On a more positive note, at one point in my session I said "When I get well...". Dr X. looked at me, and at my Mom, and said, "You have wellness inside you, as do you" (to my Mom who has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer).

I thought about it. I now see that for years I have been working to try to achieve some state of mind outside myself, looking to be someone different from who I am, looking to somehow be a different entity all together.

What Dr. X was saying is that I have wellness inside me already. I just need to grow and nourish that which is already there. I found this a very profound, Buddhistlike thought.

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