Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Daydreams and Horoscopes

I was just sitting around reading the newspaper. Well actually half reading and half daydreaming, thinking about how to move my life forward. Thinking about how my psychiatrist is telling me he thinks I would be motivated to do more if I had some external motivation. He was not talking about a punishing type of motivator, not something that represents the militaristic style of your father, but a more caring version. So I have been thinking of ways to set up my life so I have some external motivation.

One of the things I long for is to be able to return to school. I love to learn, I loved university. Honestly, my last two years of university were the best two years of my adult life. My classes were so interesting. I felt challenged and exhilarated by the lectures, the essays, the discussions (exams sucked...but hey!).

I want to take a class. However, I get so freaked out about going to school, or committing to anything because my mood is so unpredictable. Some days I feel able to do anything I want to do. Most days I feel I will fail at anything I try. Concentration and memory problems plague me , so I worry I will not be able to manage the reading, or recall enough to pass the exams. I often get mired in a perfectionistic nightmare...obsessing over and over about what I have done wrong with the work I hand in.

I remember giving my psychiatrist a copy of an essay I had written for a class I took a few years back. The second I walked out the door I felt sick for having given it to him. I immediately "knew" he would think I was stupid and incompetent. I obsessed for two weeks about how awful the essay was, and how I had destroyed his perception of me. In the end I received an A+ on the essay, but I still thought it was a crappy essay and that I received the mark for some reason other than my competence.

Anyways...(got a bit off track there)...While daydreamingly reading the newspaper this a.m. I started thinking I might like to try auditing a creative writing class. I reluctantly flipped to the horoscope page.

Reluctant because, have you seen how brutal the Gemini horoscope has been for the last few weeks? Everytime I open the paper to read my horoscope in the past couple weeks it has expressed that my vehicles will have mechanical problems, it threatens that I will have trouble with insurance companies and financial organizations. ...God give me a break...I am already afraid to answer the phone or go to the mailbox, afraid I will get some awful news about my disability insurance being cut off, or that I need to see one of their psychiatrists, or whatever...

Man, off track again...Anyways, the point I wanted to make in this whole long winded post was that I daydreamed about taking this creative writing class the whole time I was reading the paper, wondering if I could do it, if it was a good idea etc. I flipped to the horoscope section and the last line of today's horoscope read..."Creative writing is a great choice" Perhaps that is a predictor of a fortuitous change in my life...hmmm?


Polar Bear said...

Go for it!

I took a Creative writing class (as an elective) in my second year at York U (when I lived in Toronto), and enjoyed every minute of it.

We were a small class - you had to prepare a portfolio to be accepted into the course. And we spent each week going around the table reading each person's story. Then we would discuss it. It was great fun, and I enjoyed the different styles and writing that people brought to the table.


Dawn said...

i think you should go for it as well. if you're worried about returing to school and it's possible, could you take this course one semeser at a time? i had always wished that i had done one semester on, one off type of thing. i would have been more productive in college and may have even enjoyed it. anyway,could you keep us posted?

Aqua said...

Thanks Polar Bear and Blogaholic,

I definately would try one class at a time. I also think auditing the first class might be a good idea as it would take away the pressure of a permanent mark showing up on my transcript if I could not manage the course.

PB...When I first went to University I applied for the faculty of fine arts and had to hand in a portfolio of my work...I changed my mind in 2nd year and went on to get degrees in English and philosopht instead...but who is to say I cannot get a 3rd? :>)