Last Friday I left my appointment feeling like my psychiatrist was extremely supportive, caring and very empathetic. I felt he really understood how much I was fearing being abandoned and ending up alone. I felt really cared for even though I was so upset and sobbing much of my session.
On Thursday last week I received a call from an Art Therapy Program I go to saying my name had come to the top of the list for the next acrylic painting class...Did I want to take it? I had refused once before as the time conflicted with one of my appointments and when that happens you go down to the bottom of the list again. So this time I thought two things:
- I really want to take this class...and creating art does seem to help me
- I was feeling brave enough to actually ask my pdoc to accommodate my need for a different appointment time so I could take this class and still see him twice a week. I have such a hard time asking for any sort of accommodation from anyone I even perceive to be the slightest authority figure...so this would be hard for me to do.
So after carefully practicing how I was going to ask for this, I went to my appointment, sat down, told him about the Art Class, and asked if I could change my Tuesday appointment time. Immediately he says, "How about I see you once a week on Fridays. If you find you need to see me more we can arrange that then. I am really flexible with my hours and you can call me and arrange another appointment if you need it".
I am sure to those of you reading that statement you are thinking...sounds totally reasonable and supportive....but you don't know my history around this whole twice a week appointment scenario. I will not call him...and he knows I will not call him. I would not call him if I am about to commit suicide...so I am not likely to call to say, "Help, I need an extra appointment". I have cut my appointments down to once weekly before and I always lose it and get even more depressed.
The thing is...I do not understand why now? Why is he cutting me off when I have been so depressed recently. I feel like I can barely hang on right now. Why is he abandoning me like this right now? He said he wants me to expand my horizons, that he knows I have limited energy because of fatigue and motivation and wants me to spend my energy on things that make me feel good. He worries that the time I spend in therapy drains me of my energy. What the FUCK???
I feel (usually feel) supported and cared for in therapy. On days I have an appointment...Tuesdays and Fridays...I actually leave my house and get into the city and do things before and/or after my session. My sessions helped me do, and feel safer doing, other things. In fact, less than three months ago I was concerned that I was too dependent on him...his response..."Wasn't it important to have someone to come to, someone you know supports you, someone to lean on when you are out in the world trying to do the things that scare you"?
I feel like something weird happened. I do not think he is being honest with me. I think he saw an out and took it as quickly as he could. I feel totally let down...and angry that when I am so severely depressed, (but finally had the courage to ask for him to change his schedule to meet a need of mine), I got shot down in flames.