Lost

I don't know what to do to help myself anymore. I feel so numb most of the time...empty, depersonalized...like I am covered in plastic, or foam. Nothing excites me, everything feels like an enormous effort. Making dinner, getting dressed, going for a walk...it feels like I can barely move I feel so tired all the time.

Last week my mood soared for a couple days. I felt confident about my life. I felt like I could do anything I wanted. Then I wake up and that feeling has been replaced with a deep sense of despair and failure, lost hope and never ending sadness.

I'm off all meds except sleeping medication, because no meds have helped me. In fact, they have made me worse more than anything. We talked about my trying Lithium. The one major drug I have not tried, but I am afraid it will make me even more flat than I feel right now. I need something to boost my mood, not just flatten it. Anyways, I know I'm just complaining, but I am really struggling with having to live with this illness. If I can't get better, what is the point of the struggle?