Lithium

The types of thoughts, and manner of thoughts I was having when I wrote the post, ""How are you? "I'm Okay."" seem to have slowed right down since I increased my Lithium dosage.

A few weeks ago I was having extremely rapid suicidal thoughts, mixed with a rapid self deprecating/loathing "voice" inside my head telling me how awful I was, and how my boyfriend was trying to leave me, and how I should just end it all. The best way I could describe my mind at the time, with it's "machine gun" like thoughts, is to say it was "manically" depressed.

Like the referenced post I had a piece of music relentlessly, rapidly and repeatedly playing over and over in my head. My thoughts were so distressing and so unforgiving I really wanted to just remove my brain from my head. I thought I was really going mad, so I increased my mood stabilizer: Lithium.

Almost immediately after increasing the Lithium I felt some relief. A few weeks later I still feel depressed, but I am having more moments of relief and the bad "noises" in my head have slowed right down. With the demise of all that negative energy I feel a sense of hope again. I feel like maybe I can feel better. This is a huge relief. Thank you god...whoever you are.

Catch Up

I have been in the hospital so haven't been able to keep up with my postings or responses. I apologize. I am still "technically" in the hospital, but am out on a pass right now. It feels so good to be at home!!!

This post is going to be a smattering of things I have been doing, information about treatments for depression I have been receiving and results I have experiencing from those treatments. Here goes...

1) ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)...I remember, years ago when I was in university, the student newspaper published an whole issue that was radically anti-electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Am I ever glad I never listened to all the negative hype and (with trusted support and help) decided for myself whether I would try ECT as a treatment.

I have been receiving unilateral ECT treatments approximately 3X/week for 3 weeks. The X-mas holidays made it a bit mixed up. For the past couple weeks I have had ECT treatments once a week. I said in the previous post my increase in mood has been nothing short of miraculous. I was so severely depressed a couple weeks ago, and throughout most of the past 17 plus years( ...actually I had MDE's even before that, but the worst ones and this past 10 year plus treatment resistant MDE, have occurred in the past two decades).

Yesterday and the day before my mood was so intensely high I felt like I was in heaven. My self had come back!!! I was bubbly, effusive, effervescent, talkative, extremely outgoing, energetic, so happy I cannot even describe it. I felt like I was glowing, beautiful, and I felt extremely sexy and sexual. This is how I feel when I feel well. I think the intensity feels so strong because feeling good for me has been so hard to achieve, and suddenly all my bad feelings and thoughts were gone.

Unfortunately, my mood began to crash last night, but nowhere near as low/bad as it was before. It definitely is low though...which is upsetting, as I have seen this kind of cycling mood before, where I become my high self for a few days, only to crash and burn a few days later.

I am hoping this crash is temporary, and caused by my not sleeping the other night. I slept last night, and hopefully will sleep again tonight, and maybe that will help lift my mood again.

2) I don't even want to write this, but I will...I wonder if I have been hypomanic the past couple days. I really did not think so, until my boyfriend and I started discussing my behaviour and he told me I was being really pushy about sex. Until he said that I just felt like me and my "true" high sex drive had returned.

I know I have a much higher libido than many women...even when severely depressed, if sex is initiated by someone else I almost always am happy to participate...though I have difficulty initiating when depressed). I was feeling extremely sexual last night, and I can see how my boyfriend might have felt a bit overwhelmed by my advances, as he was not feeling very well.

He told me that sometimes when I am "high" I get really demanding and pushy. I have received this feedback from other people before, that sometimes I am so "ramped up" and "on", and when I am I sometimes demand the same level of energy and competence from others. I have seen this in myself too. I can tone it down, but unless I constantly pay attention to my behaviour I tend to slip right back into high energy mode.

Problem is...I think this behaviour is my personality...not my mood. Many members in my family have this same personality...super on all the time, constantly busy and always doing many things at the same time. My Dad is like this, as are both my sisters. I am a bit more outgoing, talkative, and effusive than them, but my paternal grandmother was EXACTLY like me, right down to being easily annoyed by anyone who couldn't keep up with her.

I am not saying that I am proud of my negative behaviour, but unfortunately I think my pushiness is tied to my "high" personality. In my defense...unlike my Grandma...who could really hurt others feelings with her insensitivity, I am really sensitive myself and knowing how easy it is to feel hurt by someone else, I try really, really hard to not hurt others, or effect them in a negative way. While sometimes I do make mistakes, or forget to hold back; I work hard to be as thoughtful, and aware of how by behaviour affects others as I possibly can.

There is more to write, but I need a break...I will continue to write again soon. Take care everyone.

P.S. Thank you so much to all the friends, readers, and health care professionals who have helped me throughout my depression. Of course, an especially big thank you goes out to Dr. K. (my psychiatrist). I would not be here without him. He is one of the most caring, knowledgeable and consistently supportive doctors and people I have ever had the pleasure to work with. Thank you so much for never giving up on me.

20 (More) Things I Love

I am sitting in a black pit of depression. My sister and nieces are coming over tonight and her, my friend E and my boyfriend are going on a vacation together. I hate it when I am this depressed around my favourite people (well her and her kids are "one" of my favourite families...my other sister and her family are my other favourite;>))

When I feel this depressed, even with all the love, all the people I love, and all the things I love to do surrounding me..I feel nothing but my emptiness and almost an intensified depression. I don't know why, but sometimes I feel even more alone than when I am really alone.

I do not believe in "the power of positive thinking". I think those who suggest that thinking positively will make good things happen are suffering from a bout of magical thinking. This does not mean I do not believe positive thinking is a good thing.

I definitely believe that gathering all the good things in my life together and making lists of things I feel good about, grateful for, or that increase the likelihood of my being happy, if only for a while, even a brief moment; I absolutely believe that focusing attention on the things I DO have helps me at least momentarily. I also know that for me it sometimes takes my attention away from all my morbid and self loathing thoughts.

These lists are never easy to start, but once I begin I can usually think of more things than I expected I would be able to. This list was started because I read Eliza Jane's post about reading my post of the 20 things I love...kind of funny, but here I go:

1. I love the smell of the dirt in the early evening, on a hot summer day


2. I love long walks in my bare feet in the wet sand left behind by a retreating tide


3. I love tidal pool full of starfish, sea anemones and all kind of tiny little creatures.


4. I love seeing wildlife when I go for a walk, or am on the ocean; white tailed deer, elk, raccoons, squirrels, chipmunks, skunks, crows, whales, dolphins, all kinds of fish...and a couple times a black bear...I love all animals.


5. I love it in the morning when my dog wakes up and pushes his head into my belly and gives me a "hug".


6. I love a (reasonably) warm summer day.


7. I love a crisp autumn day...sweater weather is my favourite time of year.


8. I love looking over at my boyfriend in bed and seeing him sleeping like a baby. he is so beautiful I wish I could capture that moment forever.


9. I love those flitting, seductive kisses where you look into your partner's eyes and kiss softly, and pull back, and kiss lightly again, and tease, and touch lips, and so on, and so forth. I love the feeling that rushes through my body during these kisses.


10. I love the intense and deep kisses that happen during lovemaking, when you and your partner are trying to take each other deeper into your being.


11. I love sharing stories with friends and/or partners late into the night. It is the feeling of growing closer and closer with each shared story that intensifies my relationships with others. (sort of like logging and reading blogs).


12. I love my family: my boyfriend, my two sisters,my nieces, and my dad and stepmom.


13. I love going for coffee with my girlfriends E and H. Actually I love spending time with them anytime.


14. I love, and look forward to seeing Dr. X. Even if I feel awful he always calms me and helps me feel a bit of hope. He is such a beautiful human being. Very much like my Mom.


15. I love seeing the moon in the sky. I see it as a symbol representing my Mom...so when I see it I always say, "Hi Mom". It makes me fell like maybe, just maybe, some part of her still exists and is loving, watching over and protecting me.


16. I love an interesting movie. Here are a couple I recently saw and found fascinating... "Chapter 27"(about John Lennon's killer's state of mind...very interesting. Despite what he did, I found myself feeling so compassionate for him), "Million Dollar Hotel", (about some mentally ill patients truly lost in a SRO hotel)


17. I love it when I finally get the energy to paint and hours go by and I find I was completely lost in my painting...not a single bad thought...just creative energy flowing from hand to brush to canvas.


18. I love reading my blogger friends blogs. They inspire me, and make me feel less alone.


19. I love cooking for other people. I can't manage to cook for myself, but on Tuesdays I join my boyfriend and we cook for about 20 people. I love it and always put a lot of thought and effort into the meal. For some reason cooking for all these people seems easier than even making myself toast. go figure.


20. I love the a good massage, the smells, sounds and feel of horses, a horseback ride and swimming...and that is what I am doing for a few days this week. I am going to a relaxing dude ranch to do some dude ranch stuff...like rides, and spa treatments and farm animal sightings, and multiple swims in the pool everyday...

Yeehah!! Ride em cowboy!!!"

Something is Wrong With This Picture

When I was talking at the family support group last night and I came to the part about the psychiatrist needing to fill out a portion of the tax credit form one of the family members participating in the meeting said: "How is my son's psychiatrist going to fill this section out. They barely know him. They have hardly met with him".

I had a few thoughts in that moment:

1. Something is wrong with this picture. Given how ill it sounded like her son was it does not seem right that the psychiatrists have not met much with him. He isn't even at the point where he has the insight that he has a mental illness. When I mentioned I was in therapy with my pdoc, and that it was a very important (I think the MOST important), aspect of my treatment...the lady looked incredulously at me and could not believe my pdoc participated in therapy with me.
2. I felt guilty. Guilty that her son was so ill and needed help and here I was 7.5 years into therapy, once, and for extended periods twice, a week. I am taking up important resources that others need too. Maybe I need to leave therapy so others can receive the help and support they need to get better.
3. I really think therapy needs to be a part of the healing process. People need human support, they need professional psychiatric support, not just medication. What if this had been me? No medications seemed to help until recently...and I am not even sure about them helping now, as I am still taking them and I feel extremely depressed again. I am sure I would not be here if my pdoc simply prescribed me medication and sent me on my way. My way would not have been merry and I would have given up.
4. I am so extremely lucky that I am cared for by Dr. X. When I first met him I thought it was the norm in psychiatry to treat patients with both therapy and medication. I recognised fairly quickly that Dr X. and his psychiatric style and approaches to treatment were/are far above the norm. I recognised, and still do recognize, meeting him, and having his unflagging support is the biggest blessing I have ever received in my life.

Benevolent Structure

Over at Dr. Shock's Blog he has posted a blog about depression and art. With the post he has posted two paintings Klaas Koopmans painted of his fellow patients when Koopmans was in the hospital. They are beautiful.

Here are a couple drawings I did while in the hospital. My roommate, who I adored, had amaranthus on here beside table...it was stunning, so I drew it. Then I drew the part of my hospital room that I found myself staring vacantly at while I was there.

When I went into the hospital for ECT in 2004 I brought my drawing board, paper and pencils with me. Drawing helped me break away from the fear I felt about receiving ECT, but it was also a really positive way to pass the time during a very dark period of my life.

(note...an aside): ECT and my hospital stay was a positive experience for me. I read up about it and felt confident, and feel confident, that it is a safe and often effective treatment for major depression. There was however, some kind of primal fear about being put to sleep and trusting and allowing a stranger to do something physical to your brain. My fears were unfounded as the only negative side effect I was left with is crumby spelling (I used to have impeccable spelling...now it is really bad...though this could be medication induced and/or caused by my decline in reading since being depressed. It did however, seem directly associated with ECT..There is always spell check, so not really a big deal.
It is taking me a really long time to learn one of the most important lessons I can learn:

Plan to participate in positive activities in my life, even when, and especially when, I am depressed .

It is extremely difficult given how, when depressed, I have so much fatigue and a desire to do nothing but sleep. In the end though planned activities like volunteering, painting, drawing, and singing work to help me in a few ways:

1. The planned activities create a "benevolent structure" (Dr. X's term) This benevolent structure creates an external "pull" towards my continuing to do things to help myself, even when my mood drops.
2. The plan replicates some form of structure, which emulates a sort of "work". I really need structure to get out of bed. I do more if I have a set plan to do things.

3. While it may not seem like doing things is helping, maybe while doing things I feel overwhelmed, overbooked or just plain tired, but...I know doing things keeps me at least more on track than if I avoid everything and sleep.

4. Scheduling and doing planned activities "forces me" to actually do something. I don't mean really forces, I mean creates a sense of responsibility to myself and others that acts as a motivation for my doing, rather than only thinking about doing. The latter only creates guilt.

5. "I don't want to, or I'm too tired to, (go, paint, participate, see anyone etc.) usually means "I am too depressed to"...if I am thinking these thoughts it is extremely important for me to challenge them.

50 Things I Love

#50. I am absolutely fascinated with Nina Simone's sound. I am about to learn two more of her song's in my singing lessons.

This song: "Chauffer", sounds so sexy and the beat is so lively and uplifting. The other one I really really like is "Love Me or Leave Me", and I have been learning "Willow Weep for Me". I really LOVE her voice.

Anyways...my post today is going to be about "Things I love", because my mood is crashing once again and I am hoping I can stop the downward spiral by focusing on positive things in my life, rather than rant about how everything is going to shit once again. It's hard to say that, because over the past few weeks I was getting to feel so sure I was "cured"...well maybe not cured, but that I was coming out of this depression. Now I am back to feeling as though I will never stop cycling up and down. Very frustrating.

Anyways, enough venting my bad stuff and onto what I love in and about this life, and this world. Please note I may be a bit sexually explicit in my statements...because they are afterall my thoughts, so I am going to write what things I love and how I love things (Close your eyes if you don't want to read:>)

50 Things I Love in This World:

1. I love music...all kinds of music.
2. Right now I am particularly swept up by some women who sing Jazz and Blues...Nina Simone, Sarah Vaughan, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald and Eva Cassidy.
3. I am currently obsessed with 2 violin concerto's...Sibelius' Violin Concerto in D minor (Opus 47), and Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto in D (Opus 35)...The version I am really enjoying is a Deutch Grammophon recording/1993 of the Philharmonia Orchestra, Giuseppe Sinopoli Conducting and Gil Shaham as the principle violinist. Both pieces are extremely passionate. I feel full of life when listening to them.
4. I love Sergei Rachmaninoff''s Piano Concerto No. 3 in D minor, Op. 30 ...You cannot listen to it once or quietly...it is a big, grand, absolutely stunning piece of music. It needs to be played loud enough so your body can feel it.
5. I love the feeling during sex when it is that exact moment when a man first enters fully into me. That flash of heat I feel that comes in waves over my body and that moment when my breath is momentarily taken away. It is sublime.
6. I love a good red wine. It induces a feeling of well being in me after a couple glasses.
7. I love kissing. My husband isn't a kissing person...so I really, really miss kissing. I can get so turned on, just by kissing...or sometimes just by thinking about kissing.
8. I love singing. Dr. X told me singing can lift our mood; not just listening to music, but actually singing out loud. I know this is true. Last night I was so depressed, but I went to choir practice anyways...a few minutes of singing lifted me up while I was practicing.
9. I love sex dreams.
10. I love HaggenDazz's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Dynamo ice cream.
11. I love being told what to do during sex...in a "mock" master/servant kind of way. (...though if were real it would irritate me!)
12. I love swimming in tropical waters...the colour of the water is so enticing, the smell of the ocean inviting, and the life beneath the surface of the water so intriguing.
13. I love Tofino...Long Beach and Radar Hill. I love hiking down through the rainforest to the empty beach below..It feels like I am the only person on earth when I am down there. It is a peaceful solitude. I want my ashes spread in the water down there.
14. I love sitting in the chair across from Dr. X. There is some kind of calming energy in his office. I am certain it is him.
15. I love the smell of a man who has just showered.
16. I love the smell of the soil on the days in the spring when the soil warms up just enough to emit a slightly damp, soil smell. I often walk around the farm taking deep, deep breathes of the smell hoping to hold onto it forever.
17. I love my four little nieces. They are the most adorable people on earth. I feel blessed to be their Aunt. I would die for them. I will live for them.
18. I love both my sisters to infinity and beyond. They are my soul sisters. I would do anything for them.
19. I love a good foreign film. I am in awe of different ways of life, different cultures, mores, religions, belief systems and perspectives. I find foreign films allow me to see into a culture from so many different perspectives.
20. I love black humour and dark subject matter in books and films.
21. I love going out for dinner.
22. I love going out for pancakes, maple syrup and eggs and bacon for breakfast.
23. I love Thai food.
24. I love Chinese food.
25. I love Vietnamese food
26. I love Sushi.
27. I love a good steakhouse.
28. I love Caesar salads
29. I love Halibut.
30. I love the spicy, salty prawns my husband cooks.
31. Actually I like everything my husband cooks. He's a great cook.
32. I love it when my husband and I role play during sex...especially when he "forces" me to be quiet.
33. I might as well just say the obvious...I LOVE SEX...in all its wondrous forms.
34. I love that I am open about and love sex.
35. I am happy I experimented sexually with many people, men and women, before I got married...I enjoyed it all.
36. I love that I had the mom I did. I will always love and respect her.
37. I love helping others.
38. I love that, despite my illness, I manage to volunteer helping others. It gives me a sense of meaning and purpose in my life...even when I am depressed.
39. I love sleeping in the afternoon. I usually am exhausted by 2 or 3 PM and need a nap. I used to feel so guilty about giving in to my fatigue and napping. I have changed my mind and have decided if a nap in the afternoon is what I need to feel better in the morning and at night...I will enjoy the naps I have...and dump the guilt.
40. I love it when I sleep through the night.
41. I love to walk along the river's edge on a warm sunny day.
42. I love a quiet visit with each of my friends.
43. I love many of the members at the Art clubhouse I go to. It feels good to be understood.
44. I love talking with Dr. X. He seems to really understand me at a deep level. I love how non-judgemental he is. I love how open-minded he is about all kinds of things. I believe he is the best psychiatrist for me. He has stuck by me through such a long and difficult time, and I believe he is helping me become a better person; the person I always wanted to be. Even if I remain cycling between depression and my high moods, I feel he is helping me accept and manage my life with those moods and my symptoms, while always looking for a way to better treat my symptoms. I think many doctors would have given up on me, or told me there is no hope. I am thankful he is not the kind of person to give up.
45. I love my husband. I know I whine sometimes, but I am married for life and I care for him.
46. I love wearing dresses and slip on high wedges or heels...I used to wear them a lot...haven't for a while. I am going to start again.
47. I love driving my new car. I know it isn't very environmentally friendly to say I like to drive...but I do. I love that my car is my space. I love to crank the music really loud. I like having the freedom I do when I drive. Before anyone gives me hell for driving...I have to drive because there are no buses where I live (I am a country girl). If I lived in the city I'd take the bus....but I'd still love to drive now and then. Also, my car is fuel efficient...That is why I bought a new car.
48. I absolutely adore my 8 mos old puppy; even if he has eaten and/or destroyed 3 pairs of eyeglasses, 2 large dog beds, numerous pairs of my shoes...only mine for some reason, a sex toy and pretty much anything left laying around. Despite all this "childish" behaviour he is so squeezable, lovable, loving, funny and did I say adorable? He is cute and makes me laugh at least once everyday. He gets me outside a few times a day too.
49. I love creating art; painting, drawing, mixed media and collage, printmaking, pottery, singing...I am a creative soul. I am so glad I found out how much I enjoyed art, and that I have a knack for it. What a blessing.
50. I love Nina Simone's voice and the songs she sings.

Lessons Learned in Therapy

What have I learned in therapy? Here are some of the lessons I have learned, or am working on learning, in therapy. Some I have managed to learn by practising and failing, practicing and failing...over and over again, until suddenly the lesson becomes ingrained and followed. Some of them have taken medication to allow me to get to the place where I am able to abide by the lessons. I truly believe that medication has tipped the scales in my favour, but I also know that without therapy I would not have gained what I have gained over the past few years...

1. There are people who are trustworthy.
2. There are kind men.
3. Doing things...activities that feed my love for living is integral for my feeling better.
4. Guilt is a difficult feeling to dispense of. It is not helpful to me. In fact it harms me. (I am still struggling with this one.)
5. Lessons learned in therapy must be practised, not just thought about.
6. Hiding at home is not conducive to improved mental health. It takes the stimulation of others, the stimulation of challenges for me to slowly learn I am both a good and knowledgeable person.
7. That while a medication may work for some people, it may even have been shown to work for many people, I am an individual and it may not work for me. I require a personalized medication plan. Medication probably requires small changes here and there depending on my cycles.
8. That having a trustworthy, trusting, knowledgeable, and caring psychiatrist who never gives up on me makes all the difference in the world. I have learned I can lean on Dr. X and he will not give up on me. Knowing I have an advocate and a mentor has allowed me to keep trying and not give up.
9. Even if it takes 7 years to find the right medication/s, it is possible to find a combo that works to quell my symptoms. Again it may require "tweeking" here and there if symptoms change or become worse. It is not simply a matter of finding the right medication. It is an ongoing challenge.
10. The more I struggle against my depression and anxiety, the more depressed and anxious I become. This does not mean I need to give up. It means I have to accept my symptoms, yet continue to calmly try to find a way, or ways, to help myself.
11. That teaching others in a similar situation as me has helped me understand and learn more about myself.
12. That volunteering gives me a sense of purpose.
13. That others might actually like me.
14. That I am not a horrible person...I am an individual, with individual desires and needs. My needs and desires are not weird, they are part of a spectrum of human behaviour.
15. Even if you think you like being alone, it is important to have friends.
16. I have an artist inside me.
17. I should always sing.
18. Feeling guilty about not being able to work is not helpful, because working to get better, and all the energy that takes is working.
19. My sexuality is a blessing.
20. I am a passionate person when I feel better.
21. "Better" is on a continuum...For me I may not always be on an upward trajectory towards well, but the more I keep working on this difficulty, the more I accept there will be setbacks, the more I recognize that setbacks are a normal state or part of increasing my resiliency, the more I am able to recognize the little steps, the big and small activities I need to do to get back on track if I slip up.
22. I need to work towards a life I choose, not one that falls into my lap. It is difficult, but rewarding work.
23. That creativity helps my soul heal, as does helping others.
24. My blog is work. It is therapeutic for me, and perhaps to others. It has helped me to create and build a supportive community for myself.
25. That treatment resistant depression is common. That does not mean the depression will never be treatable. It means it may take a lot of support and a longer period of time to find the treatment that works for the person with treatment resistant depression and/or anxiety.
26. Despite being, knowing, believing I am being spied upon...Do things, Write in my blog. know I am being watched and do it anyways. It is hard to be so open if you think you are being watched, but it is important to know my gaining resiliency, my getting better requires I do all I need to get better, even if I feel afraid.

Merry Christmas

I had the best pdoc appointment on Tuesday. It was a session of sharing and caring, of experiencing and being in the moment. Yesterday's session felt like the essence of what I wish Christmas could be for everyone.

I am not a "Grinch, but I do not care for what Christmas has become. I am sickened by Christmas's increasingly obnoxious focus on consumerism and how much the gap between the rich and poor, both between people in our well off countries and between our wealthy countries and other entire nations throughout the world. It saddens me to watch so many people struggle when I believe there is enough for everyone if we would open our minds and hearts and learn to share.

While I was raised Anglican, I would not call myself religious. I do however, believe that most religions, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Aboriginal and First Nations Spirituality and the many and beautifully diverse spiritual beliefs people hold can each be strong building blocks for a great world if people listened to the messages the prophets, the gods, the earth and the writings of each religion are trying to teach us.

Every single one of these religions attempt to teach us of love and understanding, caring for others and giving, teaching compassion and forgiveness. They help us remember our traditions and our families. They all engage us in something bigger than ourselves, a collective consciousness of sorts.

My belief is that the essence of most religions, no matter how, on the surface, they look completely disparate, or incompatible, are in their essence teaching humankind the same sorts of values. We are to love and care for one another, Do no harm to anyone and beyond that they tell us we have an objective to make the lives of all the people and beings, whose live's paths we cross throughout our lifetime, better for having met us.

As a bare minimum this objective exhorts us to harm no one. At its best the objectives of all religions endorse the the platinum rule: "First do no harm and then do unto others as they would have done unto them". This means opening our eyes and arms to others beliefs and values. It means recognizing that what we want is not always what someone else may want or need.

Deep in my heart, despite my depression and negativity, I am an idealist. I want so badly to believe we can all make this world a better place for ourselves and others.

The following is a list of people, beings, experiences, places and things that have made my life better for having been blessed with the gift of crossing, or continuing to cross their paths (in no particular order):

1. My Mom. I am blessed to have experienced her complete and unconditional love. To me, my mom was a goddess personified. She was so loving, kind, caring, passionate, available, hopeful, helpful, trustworthy, honest and compassionate. It is impossible for me to imagine anyone having had a better Mom. I miss her so much.
2. My sisters, both of them. They are both like my Mom in so many ways. Our love for each other is unbreakable. They are both beautiful examples of what it is to be a good person: to their children, to me and to their friends and even to people they do not know. I love them and their children more than I love anything in this world.
3. My four nieces: S, J, J an A. From 5 years old to 10 years old, they all are incredible examples of children at their best. They are loving and caring towards me, their families and friends. All of them understand the importance of giving to people they do not even know. They each understand the principles of compassion and sharing. They are adorable little girls who have made my life much, much better than it would be without them.
4. My appointments with Dr. X. and the man himself. I often feel this blog is a testimony to how much he means to me. He is so kind and thoughtful that he feels like a family members to me. He has enhanced my life in so many ways it is impossible to list them all. I know I have said this before, but it needs to be said again: He has been the one person in my life I can be entirely open with. He is the person in my life that helps me continue to choose to life over death, despite my depression and anxiety. He even takes it further than that. I both choose life and my life becomes more and more enriched through each of my experiences in therapy with him. He is engaging and easy to talk with. I am blessed to have him as a psychiatrist.
5. My husband...While we have some difficulties in our marriage...(who doesn't?) I love him and he loves me. There is a great deal of caring that goes on in the relationship. He is a caring, loving man. He just has a difficult time expressing it.
6. My friend H. She has been my friend since I was 19. I love and value her with all my heart. We do not always agree, but that would be boring. I love her more than the differences could ever divide us. She is intelligent, artistic, creative, caring and a great friend. She really makes a difference in my life. I love you H.
7. My friends V and R. I met both in a Group therapy program years ago and I feel close to them even if I have not seen them for a long period of time. It is easy to meet with them and just begin from where we left off. Beautiful people.
8. My friend E. She is so thoughtful, kind, artistic, interesting and very thoughtful. We are helping each other in practical ways, like her helping me go grocery shopping, and me phoning to wake her up. Her help and her friendship are and have been priceless.
9. Each of the people who read my blog, whether you comment or not. The commenters engage me, support me and help me move farther forward with each comment. Both commenter's, and the people who silently read, provide me with a sense of purpose and meaning in my life. I hope my writings reach others. I sense from the repeat visitors that there are others out there who I share experiences with. I hope we are helping each other learn we are not alone.
10. My puppy...his love and companionship have enhanced my life significantly. He MAKES me get outside a few times a day. My desire to care for and love him provides me with a sense of meaning and purpose. He makes me laugh, even when all I want to do is cry. He is adorable, cuddly, loving and best of all he loves me absolutely unconditionally.
11. The ocean...It calms me to walk by the ocean. My husband just bought a boat, so soon we can be ON the ocean. I can't wait.
12. My new car. It is reliable, great on gas and I love driving it. It has taken a lot of stress out of my life knowing I have a reliable and enjoyable means of transportation.
13. Living on a farm...It is so close to the city, but is also away from the cacophony of the city. It is peaceful to walk through the fields
14. Learning to paint. Wow. I cannot believe I have an artist inside me. I never in a million years would have thought I could paint, or draw. Both calm me and I feel a sense of purpose and meaning in the activities.
15. Teaching drawing, printmaking and some of the other classes I teach at the Art clubhouse. I am learning to believe all is not lost to my illness. I have talents and skills that are transferable from my previous job. While I stress out every time I have to teach, each time is a little less difficult. I hope one day I can believe in myself enough, and be well enough, to take what I learn from teaching and make it a job.
16. The people whose blogs I read: (see my blog's front page for a full list) Off the top of my head: My pdoc's blog...it is so interesting and helpful...I feel a connection is always there because the blog is available 24/7 , Dr. Shock, Jcat, Polar Bear, Lola, Sara, SV, Deepblue, James (AKA HBW), Jazz, Tamara, Hannah, The last Psychiatrist, Postsecret, Dr. Jest... the list goes on...Each of your blogs, ideas and writings enhance my life each time I read them.
17. My friends at the ART Clubhouse. The people I have met through their are so great. It is a powerful type of therapy to watch people who are having the same level, or more difficulties than me, succeed and be such great teachers, mentors and artists.
18. My country and the freedom, democracy and protection it provides me. I believe I live in a great country. Not perfect, there are lots of things that could be better, but most of us have a pretty good experience in this country. The one thing I would like to see get better is ease of accessibility to both physical and mental health care, not just the people to help, but the means for an patient to figure out how to get help, to understand what is available for them and a more easily dealt with bureaucracy.

Merry Christmas to everyone in the world. My Merry Christmas message embraces all people, of all religions and cultures, all beings, all plants, the entire earth and the universe.

"I Am Bold..."

When I first left work I started exercising everyday for almost two years. You may suspect, by my online name that swimming is a favourite activity of mine. The second I get into the water I become free. I relax. I feel coordinated and at ease in my body.

The water feels more like home than anything on land. I have been like this since I was a child. I love swiming. For some unknown reason I have not been able to get myself to the pool to swim (except a couple times when my nieces wanted me to take them swimming).

My inability to get back into swimming is definitely "amotivation" as a symptom at its best (or worst). Everytime I think of swimming it seems like it would take a bigger act of will, a larger use of energy than I can manage to pull together for one activity. The steps to get into the water seem arduous and impossible:

1. Find a swim schedule
2. Decide when to go
3. I have to find my bathing suit, swim googles, flip flops, shampoo, conditioner, brush, towel phine (an anti chlorine hair conditioner for my hair...or it turns green...really!), earplugs, and finally my swimcap
4. I have to put my swim suit on. (It may not fit...in which case I have to go find and buy another)
5. Then get dressed.
6. Then get in the car.
7. Then drive 1 km and park
8. Then get out of the car
9. Then go into the pool entrance
10. Then Pay
11. Then find a locker.
12. Then decide if I am brave enough to allow others to see my frighteningly out of shape body in a swim suit.
13. Then shower
14. Then put the phine on my hair
15. Then twist my hair up and somehow fit it into my swimcap
16. Then find a place for my towel and flip flops
17. Then walk out in front of all these skinny little lifeguards and everyone else
18. Then deal with all the noise and put earplugs in...(noise in the pool drives me crazy)
19. Then GET into the water...this has always been my hardest task...I always freeze at first
20. Then choose a lane...which will be hard because I will be faster than the slow lane and slower than the fast lane.
21. Then I have to dunk under water and get my googles on.
22. Then I begin swimming.
23. Then I have to shower, wash and condition my hair
24. Then get dressed
25. Then dry my hair
26. Then go to the car
27. Then drive home

If I do manage to get through the first 20 steps and actually begin swimming it is as though I sail through the water. I feel graceful and strong. Powerful, yet very beautiful (as if the two are incongruent in the first place). I feel like a fish, a seal, a killer whale. With each stroke I feel my breathing becoming more rhythmic. I become calm. Meditative. I feel soothed by the sound and sensation of the water passing over my body.

In 2nd University I had a MDE. I sought help at the counselling Dept. of the University. I had 6 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The best practice that came out of that counselling, and the thing that I think helped me most was that every morning before my classes started I began to swim a approximately a mile every morning (32 X 50 metre laps).

I did not just swim, but while swimming I would repeat the following mantra, one statement per stroke and on the fourth stroke I would breathe:

"I am: (stroke 1) Bold, (stroke 2) Sexy (stroke 3) Powerful, (Stroke 4) Breathe"

Imagine how many times I said that statement over the six weeks of therapy? Over the 8 months of the school year. Within a few weeks I began to feel strong, sexy and powerful, partly because of the repetition of such positive statments about myself, but also because as I swam I began to have a better body. I felt bolder, sexier and more powerful, because I was becoming more like that mentally and physically.

So why, if swimming is so powerful for me, do I avoid it? I really do not understand the answer to that question, but today I had an epiphany that I am stronger than all the things I have believed I cannot do.

I can stop the Valium (I have so far), I can stop drinking...(getting better there too), I can go off all my medications successfully. I can. I am bold and powerful...I need a little work on the sexy...but I CAN get there to. I can.

Relief.

You have to laugh sometimes at the dumb things you do..."you" meaning "me". I am now down to 10 mgs Valium from 20mgs and tonight I'm going to 5mgs. I've also lowered my Tegretol from 1000mgs to 800mgs. So how's it going?

Last night I went to bed thinking there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to sleep, but if it hadn't been for my puppy wanting under the covers, because it is so damn cold, and then out of the covers because he was suffocating, I would have slept like a baby. I was having tons of dreams. I miss those too. These are welcome back.

As for the laughing at myself, I am a bit "spacey", and not altogether "there". I have been having some of these difficulties over the past few weeks, but today they went from stupid to bizarre stupid.

This morning I poured my coffee, opened the fridge, grabbed the vodka and was about to pour it into my coffee. Something seemed amiss about the situation though and before I poured I realized it was milk I wanted. I can't imagine what my brain would have thought had I poured the vodka in and my coffee didn't become creamy coloured.

Then (after drinking the coffee, which theoretically should have woken me up) I went to have a shower, a long, hot shower because it is so cold some of our pipes froze today and I could not get me or the house warm. So I started the shower and began to slowly undress ...then I jumped into the shower with my slippers on;>{probably not the horribly sexy outcome you were hoping for in the story). How is it possible to do that? After 43 years of showers or baths I forget the slippers?

Today though, despite wet slippers and a potentially "unsobering" morning I had a pretty good day. Not one of the great days I have had in the past, but I was "on". I felt like doing things and on a whim drove to Granville Island Market, which is usually insanely busy on weekdays, let alone Saturday afternoon.

It is an amazing public, indoor and outdoor market in Vancouver full of vegetables and specialty meat stores, all kinds of food stores (pasta shops, fish shops, butchers, bulk food store, wine shop bakeries, tons of fresh fruit and vegetable stalls, a unique food fair...the list goes on and on), fine art shops, art studios and a fine arts supply store, and the renowned Emily Carr Art University. It is a really, really great place to go, except you can NEVER find parking and it is usually so packed I feel super anxious when I go there.

Today that changed. There was hardly anyone there (weird given that it is the last Saturday before X-mas and it is supposed to snow tonight)...maybe 1/2 of a normal weekday crowd. Parking was easy to find. The best thing about the experience was that people were drawn to me the whole time I was there. I felt charasmatic.

The lady at the bakery chatted me up and even gave me a free cinnamon bun (the best on the planet!!). Then at the specialty meat shop the man serving me (he was HOT) kept coming onto me in a very obvious manner..which almost made me blush...well it did make me blush:>)...which only made him more persistently charming, causing me to blush even more at my own attraction to him...yikes.

Then I walked down to the art supply store and a charming young man, who I always see there said hello and asked me how was as I walked in the door...he's so cute, usually I avoid eye contact...today I felt as charming as him. I came home and had a nap, falling quickly into a deep, deep sleep.

Good energy has been pouring out of me most of the day and a c'est la vie feeling (or is that a dazed feeling) is encompassing me. This awakening relief from depression is particularily surprising today, given our water pipes froze last night, and it took forever to get them fixed and the house warm. On top of that, right before I went to bed last night, my dog chewed and completely mangled and destroyed my favourite pair of glasses. Glasses which I had, just the day before, paid 180.00 plus tax to get new lenses in...What could I do?

I never saw the dog eat the glasses; only found the remains crumpled and spread about on the floor afterwards. I walked over to him, knelt down, took his beautiful face in my hands and gently and lovingly whispered in his ear:

"My cute, sweet, adorable little puppy. Look what you did to my FAVOURITE (although emphasized, this word to was whispered softly and lovingly in his soft white floppy ear) glasses. This is not good. You won't do this again, right?"

To which he responded by angelically looking towards me, looking into my eyes with his big, brown, doe eyed stare. He then wagged his tail madly and licked my nose" Which can of course mean only one thing..."I love you, won't happen again." Ha! In my dreams.

Loving Kindness Meditation

I don't know why I sometimes get so much anxiety before my pdoc appointments . I always look forward to meeting with Dr. X. I love sitting in the chair across from him. Generally, within a few minutes of sitting in his office, even if I am really stressed out, I feel a calming effect coming from him and his side of the room. That happened on Thursday.

My appointment began with me feeling intensely stressed, but I soon became aware of what was happening (that I was anxious), and that awareness helped me refocus. I'm not sure what helped me become aware.

Maybe it was Dr. X wittingly, or unwittingly, wrapping me in calmness. In a way, it feels like a Buddhist "Loving Kindness meditation" taken to the next level, the level of practice, when I sit across from him.

So many of us are compassionate and loving beings. Unfortunately, to often, for me anyways, my depression, anxiety, mood swings and frustration with not becoming well, or remaining ill take over my compassion and I become anxious or angry.

A good example is how I sometimes become filled with road rage at small indignities done (of course from my perspective TO ME), by other drivers. The driver who races to the front of the left lane and then butts in right at the front, while all of us other driver's patiently wait our turn, or the driver that cuts me off, or races past me at mach speed. I become angry sitting in my car and the anger begins to turn into anxiety.

Why do I do this? I have been really trying to let go of this rage, and accept that others may have good reasons for doing what they do, or there may be a reason I do not know that makes them need to get somewhere faster than everyone else. I have no idea what is happening in the person's life to make them need to get to the front of the line faster than anyone else.

I remember a story from when my mom was dying. She was visiting me and suddenly began going into shock. We dialed 911 and the ambulance took her to the hospital. At the hospital the Dr. told us that they believed she had sepsis(?), that she had infection raging through her body and she was going to die that night.

I called my sister's to come over. My one sister had to fly from the island. She had 10 minutes to get to the airport or she would miss the last plane. She lives in the country and was racing down the road when she came upon her neighbours car in front of her. She tried to pass him, but he kept driving into the middle of the road to stop her passing. He also slowed to a speed well below the speed limit to physically force her to slow her down. She began honking and flashing her lights to no avail. Finally she managed to pass him despite his efforts to "keep her in line". She was mad as hell, but she made the plane, and managed to see my Mom, who pulled through for another month.

What if she had missed the plane because this man tried to aggressively stop her from passing him. What if she had missed the plane and my Mom had died before she was able to say goodbye? He may be right in that the speed limit was lower than she needed to go, but he had no idea how important her race down the road was. I try now to let go and to understand that I only see the behaviour, I don't see WHY people are behaving the way they do. I try to be more compassionate.

Dr. X. just seems to live and breathe compassion. I do not think I have ever heard him say anything negative about anyone. My Mom was like that to. The only other person I met like that was my grade 12 English teacher. He was a Buddhist and he was calm in the face of daily interaction with a bunch of riotous teenagers. It always amazed me.

On Thursday, part way through my session I felt my body relax, my hands stop twirling my hair and tapping my eyebrow (this is a strange habit I picked up over the past few years when I'm really stressed. Either that or I did it before and was unaware of it), my shoulders and arms became relaxed, and I leaned back in the chair. I suddenly felt calm. It felt like the presence of Dr. X was making me calm. It reminded me of the power of a Buddhist "Loving Kindness" meditation. He seems like loving kindness personified.

A Loving Kindness meditation is meant to fill your heart with compassion and love for yourself and then extend it towards all other beings.

• In the loving kindness meditation I know you begin by imagining yourself wrapping yourself in warm white light. You say to yourself, "may I be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy , well and happy.
• You then think of someone who is a mentor or leader to you, and you take the warm white light that is wrapped around you and you extend it to surround them, and you say out loud, or in your head, e.g. "May Dr X. be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• Then you extend the white light to wrap around yourself, your mentor and someone you love, and repeat the mantra, "May (my loved person) be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• You then think of someone you are having difficulty with and you then extend that radiant warm white light around the person you are having difficulty with and say, may (the person you are having troubles with) be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• then wrap the light around all the beings in your family and repeat: may all beings in my family be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"

Then you continue to increase the size and magnitude of the warm white light and wrap it around:

• All beings in the house: "May all beings in this house be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings/people in the building: "May all beings in this building be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings on the block:" May all beings on my block be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings in your city: "May all beings in my town or city be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings in your country: "May all beings in my country be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings on the continent: "May all beings on this continent be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings in the world: "May all beings in this world be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• and finally out into space: "May all beings in the universe be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"

Note the meditation is embracing all "beings", not just people. I would suggest beings in my version of the meditation includes all life; plants and animals, the ocean, the lakes and rivers, and also all the earth, space, planets and universe. The meditation is a means for a person to embrace all beings lovingly and compassionately in their mind. It feels really good to do.

The more I do this meditation the more compassionate I feel. When I do it my anger towards others subsides and I begin to recognize that we all struggle, we all want health and love and wellness, and we all deserve love and compassion.

Responsibilities

I often wonder if my leaving work to take care of my mental health was the right decision. I left work in April 2003 and it took me until fairly recently to loose MOST of the guilt for leaving work. I still struggle almost everyday with guilt about not working at something, or somewhere, but I think I have managed to almost drop the guilt about not working at the job I had.

I cannot shake the idea that I am a burden on society and that my not working is me being lazy, or not having the right direction, or simply not trying hard enough to get better. I was always an over achiever, but something happened to my ability, desire and my will to get back to work. Getting back to working seems like a completely overwhelming task.

I write this as, once again, I am dreading teaching my art classes this afternoon and tomorrow. Dr. X. says these things are work, but to me they are a tiny symbolic repayment for me and my lazy self being on disability. The volunteer work is a way for me to assuage my guilt about being paid to do nothing.

My volunteering to teach is not only that. I do also see it as behavioural therapy. Work a little and increase the work a little at a time until I can work the equivalent of at least four full time days a week for an extended period of time. When I can do that I feel I will be ready to work again.

The problem is my volunteering is only 2.5 hrs/two days a week and it completely exhausts me. Takes me down to the point that I am wondering if I should do it next term. Right now I am going to sleep for a few hours before my afternoon class. I feel like it is the only way I will manage to get there. That and the fact that I have responsibilities to go.

Responsibilities MAKE me do things. My puppy is a huge responsibility, but a good one. The puppy responsibilities, like feeding, cleaning, walking, training, socializing, and basically helping the puppy become a healthy, well behaved dog, are not always responsibilities I want to take on, or that I feel prepared for each day. There are many days when I lay in bed and wish I didn't have to get up and walk the dog, or feed the dog. However, I have no choice, unless I want to give the puppy away. That is not an option. I love him more than I dread the responsibilities. Maybe that is the key. Find responsibilities you love, more than the option of avoiding them.

On Saturday I knew I had to take my puppy out for both a long walk, and some socialization. He needs the stimulation, and the training in a stimulating environment. So I got us both in the car, and drove into the city to go to a gigantic park, with tons of off and on leash trails for dogs and people. (Although I didn't see any "on-leash" people")

There were people jogging, others walking with their kids, and we came upon a girl on a horse, and an infinite number of different breeds of dogs and their owners, both of which had equally infinite types of temperaments. It is important for my dog to meet and experience all kinds of people, see all sorts of things, experience all kinds of smells, sights, and sounds. These experiences, if they are positive, will shape who he becomes.

On the walk I brought my camera, because last time I walked through this forest I saw incredible mushrooms and other fungi...something I find intensely interesting and beautiful. I have no idea why these things capture my attention. Perhaps it is the sense that beauty can develop, grows and even thrive in an environment so full of decay. I want so badly to believe that the death of my old self, the decaying of my old life has a purpose.

I need to believe that like a dying Phoenix whose flames provide a means of rebirth to another, like the rotting leaves in the forests that provide food for the canopy above, and like the decomposing, disintegrating tree stumps that feed the birth and growth of toadstools, mushrooms and all manner of fungi, I need to believe that the change I see so much like a death in me is really a transfiguration; a metamorphosis into a life that embraces and lives a purposeful, meaningful and spiritual existence.

(All photos by Aqua)

Sleep Deprivation and Mood

As part of a "Fatigue Busters" plan, a plan than entails removing anything from my life that is making me exhausted, listless tired etc., I am slowly (trying) to wean myself of Valium. I am not on a large dose, but have been taking benzodiazepines for a great deal of the time I have been in this Depressive Episode.

It may sound stupid to take a depressant when you are depressed, but a huge component of my depression, or something that makes my depression worse is anxiety. Valium really helps relieve me of much of my anxiety.

The problem is it comes with a price. Dr. X. uses the metaphor of a credit card. You use it upfront to get what you desire, but you always need to pay it back.

He's right. Going off Valium is always an ordeal for me. I managed to go from 15mgs to 10 mgs over a week and that seemed okay. I hadn't been sleeping well anyways, so never really noticed the difference. I am now taking it down to 7.5 mgs, which may not seem like much of a difference, but I pretty much haven't slept more than 2-3 hours a night since I started taking only 7.5mgs.

The not sleeping is bring on an unexpected side effect. One I know can happen with decreased sleep, but unexpected nonetheless. I feel my mood lifting a bit this morning. To the point that I bounced out of bed at 7:30, read the paper and then went for a walk in the blueberry field.

I saw the intense beauty of the flame coloured bushes enveloped in fog and encased in frost. I watched as the sun lifted the fog and the frost began to melt. In the field I saw the life force slowly returning to the crisp green grass.

I gazed in a dreamlike state as the warmth and melting frost began returning the quick to the blooms of the requisite dandelions strewn amongst the bushes, grasping for one last chance to bloom and turn to seed, thereby enabling them to release their parachuting progeny into the wind; ensuring a return of their children to life in the spring ahead.

I stared intently as the drifting, disappearing frost melted in conjunction with the rising sun. An unnatural parallel line appeared to be dividing the field in two: On one side the red leaves on the blueberry bushes appeared as flames, the richness of the red enhanced by the dampness left behind by the melted frost, the flaming red colour rising and racing across the frosted blueberry bushes.

On the other side of the line the leaves of the bushes stood at attention; cold, deathly silent, stiff, and ice encased. The red was hidden. Instead of flaming red the frosty army of bushes appeared pink because of the combined colours of red leaves and white frost.

As the moments passed the sun became warmer and more intense. Red flames roared faster and faster towards the pink army; an army that stood defenseless and silent in the face of the oncoming heat of the sun. The frost melting more quickly with the passing of time.

I raced home to get my camera, because I was awestruck and wanted to share the blueberry bushes joyous return to life. It felt like I was returning to life with each waking bush.

The moment had passed. My camera was too late. That moment is however, captured in my mind as a beautiful moment in a difficult life. If I were not here the moment, as I experienced it, would not have existed. I will remember those moments are worth living for.

Two More Paintings Completed

As some of you know I am painting 3; 12"x12" inch paintings for each of my nieces. It is great practice for me and I feel I am learning something about painting each painting I paint.

Each of my nieces chose a topic/topics and a colour theme. Purple and Zebras was the first.

My second niece (8 years old) asked me to paint a seal, a polar bear and a puffer fish and use "aquamarine" as the colour theme...(we are peas in a pod:>)...wish I was 8 again!!

Here are the "seal" and the "polar bear" paintings I finished for her:

I Never Would Have Guessed it, but There is Hope.

I think I am becoming the person who always annoyed me. Let me explain.

It is coming up on the 7th "anniversary" of my having my first scheduled visit with Dr. X. "Officially" this MDE has been 7 years of chronic major depression as of August this year. Unofficially I'd say longer than that. Since at least 1999 I have been almost always depressed except for a one or two months. Before that I have had MDE's continuously off and on since I was 16 or 17. Between some I had one or two years of feeling good, but as the years have gone on there has been shorter and shorter times of feeling well/good between episodes.

This episode has been, by far, the worst. Not necessarily in terms of how bad the symptoms were, because in 1988 or 89 I had a 3 or 4 month depressive episode that was similar in terms of symptoms. It has been the sheer length AND severity of symptoms combined that until recently, completely enveloped me and stole me from my life.

As I approached 1 year in the MDE I couldn't believe the tenacity of my symptoms. Two years and I was completely overwhelmed, hopeless and distraught. Three years and I was certain I was going to kill myself, because I would always feel this way. 4, 5 and 6 years the same thing. Everyday felt like the only thing I could do was survive.

I would become so annoyed, and sometimes to the point of feeling enrage by the comment "Depression is a treatable illness". I felt like: Fuck you it is!! That's bullshit! What about the 10-20% of us who do not seem to respond to medications or other treatments.

No matter what I tried, or how hard I tried to get better, I seemed to sink further and further into the hell that was my depressed life. Honestly, I think the harder I struggled AGAINST it, the worse it got. I would repeat over and over to myself, "I am NOT this person. This is NOT me."

It is. It is me. I have a chronic mental illness. I can try all I want, but I cannot make it go away. That would be like wishing away heart disease, or diabetes, or whatever physical illness you can think of.

People often say "You are not your illness". I always found that trite and unhelpful. When you are depressed you are consumed with your illness. It makes you stop going out, stop eating, or eating to0 much. It jams its way between you and your partner. It takes over your thoughts and replaces them with often obsessive, violent and/or intricately detailed thoughts of exactly how you are going to kill yourself and make your hell end. Depression takes you away from your friends. It turns you into a pariah. It insists you never try anything, because you will fail. It tells you things are hopeless and that you will always feel this way.

When severely depressed you ARE your illness. It chains you to an agonizing life I would not wish on my worst enemy.

So, over the last 7 years I have obsessively read self help books, blogs, and any article I could find anywhere about depression; hoping I would find the secret to getting out of this way of living. I survived only because I had a pdoc who never gave up on me, who never once seemed overwhelmed, or discouraged. I am sure he must have been discouraged with my inability to make progress, or my lack of progress, but not once did he ever let me see that. He always provided(and provides me with hope). I so desperately needed hope, and the more I trusted him, the more I began to believe his hope was realistic.

So now I notice my mood is beginning to lift. Honestly, I am in shock that this is happening. I cannot believe I am changing before my eyes.

That's where I find myself becoming the person who always annoyed me. I am becoming the person that believes either that depression is treatable, or that it is self-limiting and eventually each episode ends. I am beginning to really believe (not just hope) that a combo of medications can be found for even the toughest of depressions. Oh my God....I am actually becoming optimistic...That, I absolutely am astounded by.

I am not well yet. In fact I am not certain I will ever return to the "well" I knew before. I am changed by my experiences with depression and anxiety. I am beginning to believe that, though my life will be different from well, it might be a better life. I cannot explain it, but it is as though the depression informed me, albeit in an extremely roundabout, and horrifying way, that my life needed changing. I'm not sure if the change is helping me, or the medicine, or my therapy. It is probably a combination of all of these.

Whatever it is. I hope it sticks around and I have hope that it will.

Puppies and Behavioural Therapy

Dr. X said something interesting to me in my session yesterday when I was telling him about how my new cute little puppy and I are doing. I was explaining that I was taking a bit of an authoritarian approach with the him (the dog...not Dr.X ;>)

From my perspective it is better, and more manageable, to begin to set clear boundaries and expectations with a puppy who is 22.5 lbs, than to try to get an 80lb dog to change it's behaviour, or do what you want it to do

When I say "authoritarian"...I don't mean my Dad style, scare the crap out of you so you never make a mistake type treatment. That kept me in line while my Dad was watching, or if there was a possibility I would get caught, but left with difficult to control wild streak the second I left home.

With my puppy I am setting clear boundaries and using praise, not punishment, and a few other techniques that really work. I believe in the idea that dogs are pack animals and still maintain many of the behaviours of pack animals. In keeping with that I believe every pack has a leader, its Alpha dog. The job of the Alpha is to protect the pack and ensure it continues to exist and flourish. That's my job

It is up to me to establish my being the Alpha while little puppy is still a little puppy vs. a big dog . I do not want an 80lb boxer trying to become the head of our pack. My husband really should be second in line...but he is not being as consistent as I think he needs to be

Anyways, I have had the puppy a week and he is smart with a streak of stubbornness in him, but here are some tricks I've learned...and it really works. (I got some of these out of the "Puppies for Dummies" book...you know those yellow and black books that teach you all kinds of things. Some of these books are very good (the drawing one is great) and they are easy to read if you have difficulty reading, or with concentration, because you can just read snippets of sections to get really clear ideas. Other things I learned from my Dad when he trained and worked with police dogs

First thing that is going well. I have established a "potty" place and am teaching him to pee/poo on command. He pretty much has it down. I just repeat, go pee, or go poo...and the important thing...do not look at them, ignore them while you say it...as soon as I stopped looking at him ...he began to go. The idea is that an Alpha would not keep looking back on the pack. They LEAD the pack. This idea is great because it is easy to cleanup after the dog

Second thing I have taught him...and he's REALLY good at it, is to heel. I immediately insisted the puppy either walk behind me or directly to the left of me. if he tries to move ahead I just give him a bit of a quick tug, reposition him and walk a bit faster. Within two days he was walking slack leashed beside or behind me MOST of the time...a few little hierarchy takeover attempts, but a polite correction by me and a hug and "good boy" when he gets back into formation and we are off again

The other thing I learned about this behaviour is that if you walk ahead with confidence, even continuing walking if they sit down, they catch up quickly, because they want to be near you...so just keep walking if they stop and they will follow

The coolest thing is that today, because he was so good at heeling I took out my bike and taught him how to run beside me on my bike through the blueberry field. We did a few slowish, short runs, because young puppies shouldn't be exercised to much, but he was awesome at it. We had great fun.

I am teaching him to sit when a car comes in the driveway, and when someone approaches us. Both for the safety of the dog, but also for the people. There is nothing I hate more than an adult dog who jumps up on you when they greet you. 20lb puppy...sort of cute jumping up to say hello...80lb dog doing the same thing a disaster waiting to happen

All the stuff I am teaching him are like games to him. He's sucking it all up like a sponge and loves the attention he gets when he "gets" a command.

Lastly, one of the first things I read was to introduce your puppy to as many sounds: loud, shrill, sharp, annoying etc, as you can before they are 16 weeks. So I have been doing that in the house with the vacuum cleaner, the hairdryer, mixer, etc.

I learned yesterday that if your puppy is scared of a noise, or scared of something the last thing you are supposed to do is bend down, pet the dog, make eye contact and reassure him. (Which is definitely what you have the urge to do...i.e."Oh poor puppy, its okay" ) This places you (in the dogs eyes) in a subordinate position, where now it's his job to protect you. It can lead to a over protective dog, which can lead to aggressive behaviour.

Instead, you are supposed to pull the dog on the lead closer to you. Place the puppy between your legs, hold them slightly tight between your legs (this reassures them that you will protect them...like an Alpha would), stand tall, remain calm and say good boy/girl in a calm, firm voice, while the noise or thing scaring him goes on.

I was skeptical of this one, but today when I took my bike out it needed to be washed (I haven't ridden it in years years..argh! The noise of the power hose spray freaked the puppy out, so I left the hose on, went over to him and put him between my legs, stood tall, no eye contact, acting like the noise was not significant. He immediately sat down. I returned to hosing of my bike and he sat there super calm, no longer afraid of the noise.

It happened again when I took out the air compressor to pump up my tires. I did the same thing and "voila" he could have cared less about the sound after that.

This whole post does actually have something to do with my mood disorder, or at least some of the symptoms and behaviours I have that feed my depression. One of them is difficulty being an authority figure. I am always afraid I will be rejected, or not cared for, or thought as mean, or uncaring. Afraid I will be unloved. This has greatly affected me in the jobs I have had, because each promotion brought on more 'authority" which to be became synonymous with stress and isolation.

The interesting thing Dr. X. pointed out was that this puppy training is great behavioural therapy for me to practice being the authority figure in a way that is loving and respectful, but also ensures I get what I am requesting and still remain cared for.

He's right. In one week I have taught the puppy a lot, but he has taught me that he loves me even more when he knows what is expected of him.

Oh yeah...note to self: the bike ride and running made for a much calmer dog this evening. Keep this up. We both need the exercise.

Wolves Move Aside...You have Competition

I hope I am ready for this. Some of you may know that in March my much loved family member and white boxer dog, Bert passed away. He had been my Mom's dog and I adopted him when my Mom passed away.

On Thursday night, for some reason, I tucked the box filled with Bert's ashes into bed with me. I miss him so much. The next day, on Friday night my sister phoned and said here was a male white boxer puppy for sale by her house. I called and today my sister picked up my new family member; a 12 week old purebred white boxer with black freckles on his pink belly and a few in his ears. I am going up to my sister's on Tuesday/Wednesday to pick him up.

It seems like messages were sent to me on Thursday, I needed an new loving companion. I was meant to have this puppy. My sister says he is adorable, beautiful, very mellow and well mannered already. I can't believe I'm doing this. I knew I wanted a boxer, but I have been trying to find an adult to adopt.

I'm a new Mom!!!! I am so excited. As soon as I get home I will post a picture of him. I hope I have the energy and patience for training such an energetic dog...I'm pretty sure I do.

Creating a Community for Myself: My Path Towards Resiliency

This is a long post. I was asked by someone at one of the Mental Health Teams in my city to write about my experiences with creating a community for myself and how it has helped my mental health. They want to share it with people they are trying to help. I thought I'd share it with you.

Creating a Community for Myself: My Path Towards Resiliency

Social isolation has been one of the most difficult symptoms of my depression for me to overcome. When well I am open, bubbly, extremely extroverted, trusting and want to be around people. When I am in a Major Depressive Episode (MDE) I turn inwards and isolate myself from the world, even from close friends and family. Seemingly simple social tasks, like answering the phone, or returning e-mails, become experiences that fill me with dread.

My illness presents itself as Major Depressive Disorder: an illness that consists of "episodes" of Major Depression, usually followed by periods of wellness. My depression is anxious and there is a component of "bipolarity" to it; meaning my mood cycles between severe lows and extreme highs. Both these symptoms make my depression more difficult to treat.

My most recent MDE has been treatment resistant, or "refractory" to medications and other treatments for 7 years. This means despite my trying literally more than 30 different medications and combinations of those medications, having ECT and participating fully in psychotherapy once, and for long periods, twice a week, I remained severely depressed and anxious, while periodically cycling up close to hypomania for a few days for most of this entire 7 year period.

With my depressive symptoms refusing to budge with medication, my psychiatrist and I work in therapy to help me in other ways. One of the major areas I have been working on in therapy is lessening my social isolation, and increasing meaning and purpose in my life by "creating a community for myself". This is a very difficult endeavor because my symptoms: Depression, Social Anxiety, Isolation, Amotivation, Fatigue Concentration and Memory Problems and Cycling Moods, work against my ability to help myself change, meet people, keep social commitments and often do anything beyond survive. Even that seems hard sometimes.

The process of change and creating a sense of shared meaning and community with others has been very slow and has never followed a direct upward trajectory towards wellness. I move forward, only to have my symptoms drag me backwards again. It has been a one step forward two steps back experience. I am, however, moving forward slowly. I do see this improvement. Before I just kept going two steps back over and over again.

When my psychiatrist first introduced the idea of creating a community for myself, a community that would help me become more resilient, that would accept me for who I was, that would add meaning to my life, that would help me move out of my isolation and into a world that both interested and supported me, I thought he was the crazy one. I felt so depressed and anxious, and I was so isolated; literally laying on the couch, or hiding in my bed all day. The task seemed impossible. How did he think I was going to manage such a difficult task?

I started safe and small. I was afraid to be around people, so I thought maybe being around animals would help. I began walking dogs for the SPCA. It got me out of the house. That was a big step.

Then a year or so later I began volunteering for [an arts festival in my city ]. To volunteer I needed to write my resume and go for an interview. I was absolutely terrified, but I pushed myself to do it with the help and support of my psychiatrist and with the belief that I might find a community that interested me.

I was very sick at the time and switching medications periodically. I was so scared each day I was scheduled to volunteer, sometimes even for days before my scheduled volunteer day, but each time I went I was greeted by my co-workers and my supervisor, people did not seem to notice I was sick, even if I thought I was not doing a good job I seemed to manage the tasks, the people I volunteered with were very nice. Each day I volunteered I gained a bit more confidence in my abilities. My second year with The festival I became so depressed I could not continue volunteering. To take care of myself I gave notice and stepped back from my commitments. This was a setback, but not a failure.

A few years prior I had become a member of a therapeutic art clubhouse that offered art classes to people with mental illnesses. The first class I took was Beginner's Drawing. I remember being so anxious about going to the classes. I was afraid I would be rejected, or not fit in, or be so bad at drawing I would be humiliated by my failures.

The instructor allowed me to be whoever, and however, I was on any given day. By the end of the 10 classes I felt a sense of community with the instructor and the people in the class. Motivating myself to reach out to other human beings and to leave my house and participate in a community was a huge step for me.

Still very ill, I took a Pottery class at the Clubhouse and then an Intermediate Drawing class. Each time I had to go to class I would feel sick and anxious. There were days when I really have no idea how I managed to get there. I believe my commitment to joining and participating in each class, having a scheduled and structured activities for myself and my psychiatrist's support, provided me with enough external motivation to go to each class.

It was not easy. I was always so anxious before I went to each class. Usually that anxiety stuck around for the first hour of the class, however often it never left me the entire class. It was hard to stay, but with the supportive environment and the support of my psychiatrist I forced myself to stick with my commitments. As each class went on I became more and more comfortable with the environment and with the people around me. Showing up to these classes was like behavioural therapy: A type of therapy that desensitizes a person to things they fear by slowly introducing them to the thing or things they are afraid of, until finally they become no longer afraid of the thing they fear.

My experiences at the [Art Clubhouse] awakened the slumbering artist inside me. I had never been artistic. In fact, drawing stick figures was the extent of my experience with the fine arts. I had always loved art; other people's art, but never believed it was possible for me to learn what I loved. With the [Art Clubhouse] experiences and successes to back me up I took a huge step from the Art Studios and decided to try an Adult Education class at [a local Art College]. It was a difficult, but rewarding experiences and my love for drawing began to grow.

Driven by my new found joy of art I began volunteering at the [Art Clubhouse]. I participated in cleanup days, and showed up for their monthly meetings. I began to meet more people in that community. The more I participated in the community the more it began to feel like an even safer and welcoming community. I had discovered a group of peers who not only shared my love for art, but who also understood and accepted me for who I was.

One day I saw a posting for an assistant to the printmaking instructor. I took another large leap and applied for the position. I cannot even express how difficult this was for me. I was very depressed at the time and cycling rapidly between severe and anxious depression and a sense of euphoria brought on by my new found feelings of social freedom and a sense of meaning and purpose I had not felt in a long time. After being the Printmaking Assistant I applied to be the Beginner's Drawing instructor's assistant. Each time I assisted the instructor my anxiety became less and less and my comfort level, and my enjoyment the studio's community improved more and more.

I now volunteer to teach Art classes. I teach Beginner's Drawing, and have taught a short Printmaking group for young adults. I am about to teach my third session of Beginner's Drawing classes and a session for young adults in drawing, printmaking and painting. Even better than this I have discovered I have both a love and a developing talent for acrylic painting. To top it all off I have somewhere to go to share this joy with and even more important, I now interact regularly with people who support my artistic endeavours.

Through a supportive and caring community I have discovered meaning and purpose in my life. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be. Never in my life have I felt like I was on the right path. I feel like that now and this feeling has healing power. My experiences at the [Art Clubhouse] have opened a world for me I never knew existed. This community has lifted me out of isolation and is moving me closer in my quest towards healing my soul. I cannot say enough how important creating a community for myself is contributing towards my climb out of depression and towards resilience and increased wellness.