wow

I guess I should explain what happened with my boyfriend situation and why I would return to him after how he acted (see a couple posts ago).

First, I really care about him. I'd say I love him. He is not without his faults (as am I), but so much of him is full of love, affection and kindness. He is most often, thoughtful and fun to be around....but he has a mental illness too (Bipolar), and while his medications seem to keep his symptoms in check MOST of the time, external stress/stressors can trigger his symptoms and make his behaviour unpredictable, strange, or unexpected.

While I do not have bipolar disorder, I do have bipolarlike cycling to my mood, and like my boyfriend stress triggers unexpected behaviour sometimes. I recognize his behaviour the other night was unacceptable, and I do not condone, and will not accept being treated that way. However, I also feel intense love and compassion for him given the pressures he is trying to manage right now. We have talked very openly about his actions and what is worrying him/triggering him.

I have been in the hospital, and away from him him for a very extended period (almost 50 days). Prior to my hospitalization he and I spent almost all our time together. For numerous reasons he really needs consistent support and loving, caring role models around him as much as possible. He currently lives in a supportive housing project, with a beautiful family who treat him like a family member. Unfortunately, they have decided to go their seperate ways and stop doing some of the charity work they have been involved in. This means my boyfriends needs to find new, safe, clean and drug free housing that is away from neighbourhoods known for having drug problems.

Finally, after numerous nattering "arguments" about the "wrong" things...my boyfriend blurted out that he desperately misses me and is finding it really hard to be alone while at the same time being scared about where he will end up living. So tonight we sat down and had a heart to heart talk about how we are going to help him. No matter what, he will not end up on the streets. I am not ready to move in with a man, but he can always stay with me until we find him a good place to live. I think that made him feel better.

I know some people wonder why I would open my arms to him again after some of the things he said to me. I do so because I love him, but also because I see we are able to talk about these mistakes and work through them. I do so because some of the triggers can be attributed to my not being honest with him. I thought I was protecting him by not telling him how depressed and suicidal I had been feeling for so long. Instead, my dishonesty only made the truth harder to handle. This has been a good lesson for me.

Last, but not least...I can see some of his behaviour is being affected, impacted, and/or caused by his mental illness symptoms. He is willing to work on those symptoms. He has also committed to me that he will come with me to some of my psychiatric therapy sessions so we can work on our relationship.

I personally experience difficulty controlling some of my behaviour, especially in situations where I am under extreme pressure, or stress, or if I am intensely anxious. If it were me who had lost my composure and said things, and behaved in ways that were hurtful to someone, and if I felt my symptoms had made a difficult situation worse, I hope and pray my boyfriend, or friend would have some love and compassion for me.

I have that love and compassion for my boyfriend...I see his life is really difficult right now. It is easy to love someone when a relationship is going well. The best measurement of the value of a relationship is watching and experiencing what happens when mistakes made, and/or missteps are taken. I believe given my love for my boyfriend, his lengthy record of being kind and caring, and thoughtful...I believe I need to offer him a supportive caring and guiding hand, another chance, and that unconditional love that I hear so much about, but so rarely see being offered.

I'm an Afterthought...and that hurts.

I feel like just sitting in my corner chair and staring, or laying in bed all day...waiting impatiently for each minute, each hour, each day to end.

Dr. X says...(I am paraphrasing with my understanding of what he said...I can't remember exactly what he said), I need to hold on to the moments of happiness, or the moments of joy I do have. That if my mood remains like this I need to try to recognize there are moments that I enjoy.

That is not the life I want. I do not feel a life with extended periods of intensely painful and severe depression symptoms punctuated by brief moments worth experiencing is, for me, a life worth experiencing.

I know, and believe that for some people this might work, or sustain them. I think I used to manage by knowing this would pass, and things would get better. I no longer believe that. I am so tired of trying, and failing to get well.

I am so sick of trying treatments, therapy, medicines that never work, tired of trying to explain what is going on to my family (who I love so immensely it hurts). It hurts so much that I love them and need them and want so badly for them to understand me, to reach out, to help me...and they don't seem to get how much I need them.

I was thinking about why, at 44, I still so desperately need my family's approval, love and support. It feels so childish. I realized yesterday that a life is worth experiencing and living if you have someone who thinks of you on a regular basis. It is as though you really exist if someone wants and needs you here. I mean really needs you...in the way I desperately need my family.

I used to feel my Mom was like that. She would call me and ask how I was, and as if I was okay, or wanted to talk. She always had time for me. She went out of her way to love me, to visit me, to include me in all family functions. I remember thinking there was something pathological about how much I needed my Mom all the time. I was very independent and too care of myself, but always there was an underlying need to be loved by my Mom. It seemed unadult like on one hand, but on the other hand her love sustained me through even the worst of the worst.

Now I feel like my Dad and Stepmom see me as the "problem child" and have taken a ..."wait til she hits rock bottom stance"...as though I were an addict in need of toughlove, rather than mentally ill. I feel as though they actually avoid me.

note: I don't believe addiction is treatable with toughlove...I think it is an illness too. I think all humans need love and compassion to fulfill themselves.

My sisters' have their own family's to worry about...so I am a passing thought. I feel so alone. I feel lie a burden. I feel like I am an afterthought, a sister and daughter who has completely disappointed her family. I feel avoided. I want my Mom back.

What a Difference a Day Makes

I am okay. I will survive. I just so often wish I wouldn't. This is not what I thought my life would be like.

Last night my boyfriend called me and asked if could come over and help.

I have a friend coming in from England (actually she is moving back here) to stay with the next couple days. I had not cleaned my house in a long, long, long time. My floors were filthy, dishes literally ALL dirty, my kitchen a mess, bathroom disgustingly dirty...basically my whole place needed cleaning and I had 24 hours to do it.

Given I had months prior to this to clean and tidy my houset and hadn't been able to, things were not looking positive on the "clean the house" front. My boyfriend asked if he could come over and help me clean the house.

Can you believe that? He's a keeper...really!!!

When I was upset yesterday it was mostly because I was so depressed and needed so desperately to be heard. My friend E called me yesterday and really, really listened. We went for coffee this morning and she listened again. I hope she knows how much that means to me. I feel heard by her, and being heard makes me feel like others get me and can relate...and that I am not as freakish as I feel.

The people who commented on my last post heard me too. Thank you so much. I needed to be cared for and understood.

I know "I" (my b'friend) cares for me. He is so funny and cuddly, so passionate and charming, so thoughtful and kind in so many ways. Today I can see that maybe he approaches my depression and my reaching out the way he needs to be supported or cared for when he is depressed?

Maybe he needs people to tell him he is okay, or to tell him to try harder, or to tell him he can challenge his depression, to tell him it has no control over him? I suspect we each have different needs when it comes to feeling supported. Maybe he was supporting me the only way he knows how? Who knows.

The funny thing is that last night he said to me, "I am sorry I came across as a jesus freak last night" (apologies to anyone who has god in there live)...

I was a bit perplexed until he reminded me that, when he was trying to "help" me, he kept telling me to pray. When I said I didn't believe in god he kept saying sure you do, what is the first thing you do when something really bad happens? I had to laugh because he is right...the first thing I do is say, "Please god, don't let this be happening". Last night he told me that when he was really depressed, after he tried to commit suicide, he went to the mosque everyday and prayed to god.

We support, and show others support in a myriad of ways. I need to know that sometimes my depressive perspective skews my ability to accept feedback. I so often feel criticized when I am depressed. I need to think less about what is actually being said (from my perspective), recognize others have a different perspective than me, and think more about what the person who is speaking to me is like. If they are trustworthy, compassionate, honourable, loving and kind towards me the rest of the time, it is more than likely there ways of supporting me are intended to be that way as well.

Sleep,
Sleep tonight,
And may your dreams,
Be realised,

If the thundercloud,
Passes rain,
So let it rain,
Rain down on me,

Mmm mmm, mmm,
So let it be,
Mmm, mmm, mmm,
So let it be..."
(U2 MLK)

I know I wrote of early morning wakings only 5 days ago, but since then I have become Sleeping Beauty. I spent the weekend with 'I'"(my boyfriend). He has a very different sleep schedule than I do. His regular bedtime is 3 or 4am and he wakes around 2 or 3pm.

His schedule works for me, because it allows me to keep up with my other friendships. This is super important to me both because I love my other friends, but also because in the past I have had a tendency to isolate myself from my friends when I have a boyfriend/husband. It always seemed too much to manage both friends and lover if that makes sense.

This weekend, unlike any other, I found myself getting out of bed around 11am (unheard of for me). At 2ish pm I was crawling back into bed until 4pm. As I lay there I knew at least one of the reasons I stayed in bed so late and climbed into bed later. 'I' wraps himself around me when he sleeps.

As we lay together spooning he is so close to me it almost feels like we are one. I am surprised that I enjoy cuddling like this so much, because before, when I was with my husband, I hated it.

In fact, for years we slept in separate rooms because I couldn't sleep with him in the bed. I thought it was because my husband snored and moved around too much, but 'I' snores and it does not bother me at all. Instead, I find it comforting.

I think in part this difference is bred by how ,'I's actions are always warm , loving and caring. He is always supportive, never yells at me, and lets me know he values all I do, or try to do. He kisses me frequently and passionately. He hugs me and and reaches out to hold my hand. His hands wander over my face and body as we talk. He doesn't pull away when we become close.

In short he acts like he cares deeply for me. I need to remember this about him, because I have a tendency to doubt people; to doubt there positive intentions and feelings towards me.

Last week I was in my session worrying about how maybe 'I' didn't really care for me the way it seemed, or the way I did for him. Dr. X reminded me of the possibility of phenomenon called projective identification if I continued worrying this way/or acting like I was worried about all this.

If I doubt 'I's feelings towards me and keep projecting that kind of worry in my conversations/actions with him, it may very well happen or become like I believe: Not because I believe it, but because my actions may begin to reflect my fears causing the other person to react accordingly.

This past weekend I opened up and loved, and kissed and hugged and made love like I knew 'I' was as madly in love with me as I am with him. It was so beautifully perfect.

You know that feeling when you kiss a lover and your whole body reacts and a lustful wave of passion flushes over your whole body? Or when you make love and you want to cry it feels so good? That was how being with 'I' felt to me.

It seems like he feels the same way too...and that felt so good; so good to each of us that he stayed over an extra day.

Disappearing Act

Sorry for the disappearing act. My life has been turned topsy turvy over the past 2 months. I have reopened my blog to all viewers, so you should not have to sign in anymore. Thanks for the support and patience.

For those who were unable to view my blog over the past couple months, here is an update...

1) A couple months ago I became reacquainted with a man I have been really attracted to for a while . Given I was married I felt an obligation to my husband to remain faithful.

2) This time when we crossed paths (this man and I) there was an unbearably powerful electricity between us. I tried to stay faithful, but given the continuing and long term difficulties in my marriage and this new found intense attraction towards another person I began an affair.

3) Within a week or two of beginning the affair my husband discovered what was happening.

4) He kicked me out of our house.

5) I went to a hotel with my dog and began searching for a new home. This was extremely difficult because of the dog. No one wants to rent to a dog owner.

6) Finally I found a place, and over the past month have been moving in and getting organized and settled in my new home. I am almost settled thanks to the help of my girlfriends H and E and my new boyfriend.

7) I have been fraught with guilt about the way I left my husband and how much I hurt him. Despite our differences he was my partner for 18 years and I care about him. I feel guilty, but I also feel a sense of self and individuality that I have not felt in years. I feel like I molded myself and forced myself to become what I thought my husband wanted. Whoever I had become was not me. I feel I am on my way to becoming a stronger me. I feel my "power" coming back.

8) I really like my new friend. He is very approachable, kind, considerate, loving, open, and warm. I feel good about myself with him

9) Welcome to my new life, my new adventure, my times of intense and I believe positive change.

Thanks for reading.
...aqua

Followed

My husband came in the house just now and asked me how the my painting went. I said good. He said, W"hat would you say if I told you I followed you today and you didn't go to the arts Clubhouse?"

I didn't. I made love all day with another man. It was incredible, beautiful, breathtaking.

I just looked at my husband and said, "Why would you follow me?" He walked out of the house and slammed the door.

I want out.

My Vicarious Therapy Word Cloud

(Note: Click on Word Cloud and it will be bigger and easier to read)
On my post about Free Association reader and fellow blogger, Life recommended a site called "Wordle". It is so cool.

On the site you can either cut and paste a copy of any text you want, or your blog's URL and Wordle creates a "word cloud" of whatever text you request it "read" and pull words from.

A word cloud is when all the keywords, for example, on your blog, or parts of a text, are turned into a collage of the words most frequently in the posts, or section of writings. The more a word appears in the blog, or the section of text, the bigger the word will be in the collage.

Above is my blog's word cloud. I was dumbfounded by my biggest word, "Love", given how much I have been whining about never having known love. Kind of bizarre that it is the biggest word, so must be the word I write about a lot. Guess it's all those "100 Positive Things About my Life", and things, and "50 things I love"!

I might try a free association with some of the bigger words...might dig up something interesting.

Life, Thanks for the idea!

50 Things I Love

#50. I am absolutely fascinated with Nina Simone's sound. I am about to learn two more of her song's in my singing lessons.

This song: "Chauffer", sounds so sexy and the beat is so lively and uplifting. The other one I really really like is "Love Me or Leave Me", and I have been learning "Willow Weep for Me". I really LOVE her voice.

Anyways...my post today is going to be about "Things I love", because my mood is crashing once again and I am hoping I can stop the downward spiral by focusing on positive things in my life, rather than rant about how everything is going to shit once again. It's hard to say that, because over the past few weeks I was getting to feel so sure I was "cured"...well maybe not cured, but that I was coming out of this depression. Now I am back to feeling as though I will never stop cycling up and down. Very frustrating.

Anyways, enough venting my bad stuff and onto what I love in and about this life, and this world. Please note I may be a bit sexually explicit in my statements...because they are afterall my thoughts, so I am going to write what things I love and how I love things (Close your eyes if you don't want to read:>)

50 Things I Love in This World:

1. I love music...all kinds of music.
2. Right now I am particularly swept up by some women who sing Jazz and Blues...Nina Simone, Sarah Vaughan, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald and Eva Cassidy.
3. I am currently obsessed with 2 violin concerto's...Sibelius' Violin Concerto in D minor (Opus 47), and Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto in D (Opus 35)...The version I am really enjoying is a Deutch Grammophon recording/1993 of the Philharmonia Orchestra, Giuseppe Sinopoli Conducting and Gil Shaham as the principle violinist. Both pieces are extremely passionate. I feel full of life when listening to them.
4. I love Sergei Rachmaninoff''s Piano Concerto No. 3 in D minor, Op. 30 ...You cannot listen to it once or quietly...it is a big, grand, absolutely stunning piece of music. It needs to be played loud enough so your body can feel it.
5. I love the feeling during sex when it is that exact moment when a man first enters fully into me. That flash of heat I feel that comes in waves over my body and that moment when my breath is momentarily taken away. It is sublime.
6. I love a good red wine. It induces a feeling of well being in me after a couple glasses.
7. I love kissing. My husband isn't a kissing person...so I really, really miss kissing. I can get so turned on, just by kissing...or sometimes just by thinking about kissing.
8. I love singing. Dr. X told me singing can lift our mood; not just listening to music, but actually singing out loud. I know this is true. Last night I was so depressed, but I went to choir practice anyways...a few minutes of singing lifted me up while I was practicing.
9. I love sex dreams.
10. I love HaggenDazz's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Dynamo ice cream.
11. I love being told what to do during sex...in a "mock" master/servant kind of way. (...though if were real it would irritate me!)
12. I love swimming in tropical waters...the colour of the water is so enticing, the smell of the ocean inviting, and the life beneath the surface of the water so intriguing.
13. I love Tofino...Long Beach and Radar Hill. I love hiking down through the rainforest to the empty beach below..It feels like I am the only person on earth when I am down there. It is a peaceful solitude. I want my ashes spread in the water down there.
14. I love sitting in the chair across from Dr. X. There is some kind of calming energy in his office. I am certain it is him.
15. I love the smell of a man who has just showered.
16. I love the smell of the soil on the days in the spring when the soil warms up just enough to emit a slightly damp, soil smell. I often walk around the farm taking deep, deep breathes of the smell hoping to hold onto it forever.
17. I love my four little nieces. They are the most adorable people on earth. I feel blessed to be their Aunt. I would die for them. I will live for them.
18. I love both my sisters to infinity and beyond. They are my soul sisters. I would do anything for them.
19. I love a good foreign film. I am in awe of different ways of life, different cultures, mores, religions, belief systems and perspectives. I find foreign films allow me to see into a culture from so many different perspectives.
20. I love black humour and dark subject matter in books and films.
21. I love going out for dinner.
22. I love going out for pancakes, maple syrup and eggs and bacon for breakfast.
23. I love Thai food.
24. I love Chinese food.
25. I love Vietnamese food
26. I love Sushi.
27. I love a good steakhouse.
28. I love Caesar salads
29. I love Halibut.
30. I love the spicy, salty prawns my husband cooks.
31. Actually I like everything my husband cooks. He's a great cook.
32. I love it when my husband and I role play during sex...especially when he "forces" me to be quiet.
33. I might as well just say the obvious...I LOVE SEX...in all its wondrous forms.
34. I love that I am open about and love sex.
35. I am happy I experimented sexually with many people, men and women, before I got married...I enjoyed it all.
36. I love that I had the mom I did. I will always love and respect her.
37. I love helping others.
38. I love that, despite my illness, I manage to volunteer helping others. It gives me a sense of meaning and purpose in my life...even when I am depressed.
39. I love sleeping in the afternoon. I usually am exhausted by 2 or 3 PM and need a nap. I used to feel so guilty about giving in to my fatigue and napping. I have changed my mind and have decided if a nap in the afternoon is what I need to feel better in the morning and at night...I will enjoy the naps I have...and dump the guilt.
40. I love it when I sleep through the night.
41. I love to walk along the river's edge on a warm sunny day.
42. I love a quiet visit with each of my friends.
43. I love many of the members at the Art clubhouse I go to. It feels good to be understood.
44. I love talking with Dr. X. He seems to really understand me at a deep level. I love how non-judgemental he is. I love how open-minded he is about all kinds of things. I believe he is the best psychiatrist for me. He has stuck by me through such a long and difficult time, and I believe he is helping me become a better person; the person I always wanted to be. Even if I remain cycling between depression and my high moods, I feel he is helping me accept and manage my life with those moods and my symptoms, while always looking for a way to better treat my symptoms. I think many doctors would have given up on me, or told me there is no hope. I am thankful he is not the kind of person to give up.
45. I love my husband. I know I whine sometimes, but I am married for life and I care for him.
46. I love wearing dresses and slip on high wedges or heels...I used to wear them a lot...haven't for a while. I am going to start again.
47. I love driving my new car. I know it isn't very environmentally friendly to say I like to drive...but I do. I love that my car is my space. I love to crank the music really loud. I like having the freedom I do when I drive. Before anyone gives me hell for driving...I have to drive because there are no buses where I live (I am a country girl). If I lived in the city I'd take the bus....but I'd still love to drive now and then. Also, my car is fuel efficient...That is why I bought a new car.
48. I absolutely adore my 8 mos old puppy; even if he has eaten and/or destroyed 3 pairs of eyeglasses, 2 large dog beds, numerous pairs of my shoes...only mine for some reason, a sex toy and pretty much anything left laying around. Despite all this "childish" behaviour he is so squeezable, lovable, loving, funny and did I say adorable? He is cute and makes me laugh at least once everyday. He gets me outside a few times a day too.
49. I love creating art; painting, drawing, mixed media and collage, printmaking, pottery, singing...I am a creative soul. I am so glad I found out how much I enjoyed art, and that I have a knack for it. What a blessing.
50. I love Nina Simone's voice and the songs she sings.

Here is My Truth

My appointment today was at first a bit stressful, but mostly it was uplifting. I am blessed to be a patient of Dr. X. I have known that from the first day I met him. I connect with him in a way that I cannot seem to with anyone else. I am learning, slowly, that connections like this are important to me and I need to search out other people I feel this way about.

I once again felt worried I had destroyed my therapeutic alliance with him, by "outing" my crush on him. A big part of why I am afraid it was the wrong thing to do is that it seems that everyone I say I love you to, or anyone I really really like and say so, always disappears in my life. It is so hard for me to get to the stage where I can actually speak my truth about someone. By the time I do it is too late, or the words magically destroy the bond.

Dr. X told me he was glad I told him, and that it was always important that I speak my truth with him. He also said we have a very strong alliance. I felt he was speaking truthfully, and that it was okay for me to feel whatever I did, and to talk about it openly, safely.

Part of the reason I feel drawn to him is the way he is: introspective, interesting, interested, thoughtful, never angry, calm, compassionate, always supportive, always available.

I have never met any man, my entire life who is these things. It's strange, but I was always drawn to the "bad boys". The men who always wanted to use me, or who wanted only one thing (I wanted that to)...but I also wanted more...and could never figure out why I always received less than I needed.

I watched as all my friends met men, who cared for them, and fell in love with them. By the time I was 27 I had slept with too many men to count, always enjoyed the experiences, but was always left wanting more than sex. I don't know what it is about me, but it seems I am not a lovable person. On top of that I am not sure I have ever loved. I guess that explains not receiving romantic love...you need to feel it to receive it.

This is my truth:

• The first man in my life, my dad, was the pattern from which all my relationships with men were cut. It was the relationship I learned to emulate. Unfortunately I have some of my dad in me. I get angry, and irritated, I am a bit overwhelming sometimes. I don't listen enough. I talk too much.
• My father was controlling, punishing, physically abusive and even worse a dismissive bully who believed the only correct views were his own. He scared me to death. He used intimidation; mental and physical abuse to keep me in line. I am still terrified by him. Almost every time I see him he does something that elicits tears in me. I know I am responsible for the tears, but I cannot make them stop. I cry on the way to his house. I don't want to go, but feel an intense sense of duty to be a good daughter. I humour him when with him to protect myself, but it always backfires. I never mange to stand up for myself.
• I left home the week after high school and moved to a different province. Less than a week after I moved far away from home I was date raped by the first boy I dated in my new town. I don't know what I was thinking, but I went back to his place after going to a club with him. We started kissing and then he began to take my clothes off. I tried to stop him, but he kept saying it was okay, we didn't have to do anything. When I was laying on the bed with him, partially clad, feeling cared for and enjoying the intimacy, feeling attractive and attracted to this man, he began trying to have sex with me. I said no numerous times, but he pushed me down and forced himself into me. As soon as it was over he told me to leave. I got dressed. Left, and cried all the way home. I felt dirty and used. I showered and cleaned myself up. Then I went to the payphone to beg my Mom to let me come home. She kept telling me I was just homesick and I had to stick it out longer and I'd get over it. I was so ashamed that I had let myself be in the position to have sex, that I had led the person on, that inside I had kind of wanted to make out, that I had not fought harder to get out of there. After that night I let men do whatever they wanted with me. If it got rough, something about that turned me on. It was like my being "taken" triggered a need to be taken. I think I lost my ability to love that night.

The truth is, the only man, in my real life (vs. people online), that has ever treated me respectfully is Dr. X. Even with other doctors, or professionals I have always felt either condescended to or dismissed. I can see that maybe my first male role model made it impossible for me to trust men, so all men get painted with the same black brushstrokes. Dr. X is consistently respectful. I need that.

My truth is that I have a lot of pain inside about how my relationships/nonrelationships with men have gone. I don't feel love, because I don't trust anyone. I always expect them to hurt me. I get what I expect.

I don't mean I get what I expect in a "The Secret" kind of way. I don't believe simply expecting others to be honest, fair, truthful and loving will make it so. That is magical thinking. I know that.

I mean I get what I expect, because I act and react to the people I would like to love me, in a way that creates a wall between us, in a way that projects fear and self consciousness. In a way that doesn't come across as genuine, or authentic.

When I am my authentic self I am full of intense passion and a desire to love. I sing loud, and laugh louder. I am overjoyed with being here on earth. I want to experience more, to witness more, to learn more. When I am my authentic self I draw people to me. Unfortunately my authentic self always eventually disappears for days, or weeks, sometimes months, and over the past 10 years into 2 and then 10 years of depression...which leads me to recede, to make myself small, to lose touch with all my talents and skills.

In therapy I think I have finally realized my truth. My truth is that I will always be besot by depressed periods. This is true. I will always have some sort of cycling appear here and there. This is true. What isn't true is that there is no hope, no way out. I have the power, both within me, and by reaching out to others, like my pdoc, to MANAGE to live with the depression.

If I have a structure to at least part of my day everyday, if I have other people or my cats and dog that I am responsible to, if I take my medication regularly, if I keep a regular sleep schedule, if I sit in front of my S.A.D. lamp every morning, if I keep in contact with people who care about me, if I continue to see Dr. X. for support...and maybe especially because I like seeing him, if I create art, if I sing everyday...even if I am sad...actually ESPECIALLY is I am sad, I can manage my life. I can make my life, even if it is a sad one, a life worth living.

It seems ironic, but without my struggles with depression, especially the intense despondency, hopelessness and despair I have felt this last depressive episode, I don't think I would ever have discovered my love for creating art. I may not have rediscovered my intense love for music and singing, I would never have began volunteering. I am not saying depression is a gift...I hate that misplaced platitude. I am saying that without my depression I would never have questioned what I wanted, or who I am. I would have continued on my weary way to a hellish existence. I would never have looked at my life from an existential perspective and asked myself if I loved the life I was living. I did not, but I am beginning to create the life I want. It is remarkable what I am learning about myself. It is remarkable that I am slowly learning it is okay to feel joy.

Fear and Desire

First, before anyone reads this I want everyone to recognize that while I always care for Dr. X; I believe my periodically having feelings of love for him are reflections of the difficulties I have with romance, connection and lust in my "real" (i.e. outside therapy) life.
This topic is very difficult for me to write about, but I also believe it is very important to dissect and address the feelings I experience.

While I respect and care deeply for Dr. X as a person and psychiatrist and I feel he is an extraordinary human being, I do not REALLY love Dr. X. (I feel sad saying this.)

The reason I brought up the love/lust/caring thing with Dr. X. is not because I wanted him to know how I feel about him...I think he could have guessed that. I am pretty transparent.

The reason I brought the topic up is I believe it reflects and shows me difficulties and patterns and relationships in my life that need changing. I believe in acknowledging my feelings I have the opportunity to open up at a deeper level than I have ever been able to in therapy. I also believe this needs to happen before I can set about making changes to the relationships I am having trouble with. I think the love I feel for Dr. X. is a reflection of the love and connection I am missing in my "real" life (vs. life in therapy). Dr. X is a "surrogate" for the feelings I want to experience in my life.

I thought it might be helpful to brainstorm some of the real life connections/disconnections that lead me to desire the love of my pdoc. By writing them here I will have a list of things to discuss and work on in therapy.

I came upon a very powerful statement about transference the other day. I have turned it into a question for myself:

What are the feelings the patient has towards the therapist? Examine the feelings the patient has and how they relate to unconscious motivations, desires and fears.

Conscious/Unconscious Motivations that Lead to My Feelings:

• I feel listened to. How could I not feel attracted to someone who listens carefully to what I say; someone who listens not only to what is being said, but also wants to uncover what is not being said. In my real life love relationship I feel unheard, undervalued, and ignored.
• I feel safe. I feel I can say pretty much anything with Dr. X. He never gets mad at me, never yells at me, never challenges my opinion in an angry way. My spouse always seems angry at me.
• I feel cared for. by Dr. X. He is always thoughtful, kind and compassionate. In my real life love relationship I feel the target of a huge amount of anger and frustration. I feel like my husband goes out of his way to avoid me. Much of the time I feel lonely when with him.

Conscious/Unconscious Desires that Propel My Feelings:

• I desire the love of a kind man. Dr. X is like this, always. I recognize it is his job to be this way, but I have NEVER encountered a man like this...ever. It would be hard not to have feelings for someone who, every time you see them, is kind, and thoughtful.
• I used to enjoy casual encounters with different people. On some level I miss the excitement and newness of casual sex. I get bored in my sex life. Dr. X is a powerful "taboo". This excites me. It is the IDEA of a prohibited encounter that excites me.
• I desire a man/woman who wants to spend time with me and who shows me that. I feel wanted (as in I don't feel rejected) in therapy. I often feel rejected by my husband in many areas of our relationship. He calls me greedy for wanting too much sex, or ignores me when we are together, or is angry at me all the time.
• Dr. X seems to enjoy many of the cultural things I do (music, art, intellectual pursuits etc). My husband could care less. It is a chore to get him to participate in cultural events. I feel like we have little in common. I would love a partner who liked to do some of the same things as me.
• Dr. X never seems uncomfortable with my sexuality. Rather he normalizes the desires I have that may seem out of bounds to some. My husband is good like this too. He is really open minded...but he gets jealous. I like to flirt sometimes. It feels like harmless fun to me because I never have the intention to take my flirtation to the next level. I am just flirting as a form of fantasy. I get angry when my husband wants me to stop being a sexual being with anyone but him. I don't mean my having sex with others...though I miss that...I mean innuendo and flirtation, just for the fun of it
• I love a man who is an authority figure. Dr. X is this to me...though we have tried and tried to help me lose that feeling. I recognize Dr. X is not authoritative with me/towards me. I appreciate that. He really has tried and tried to help me feel like an equal, but something about how close I feel to him makes me want him to control me. Part of my sexual psyche/my love psyche craves someone in control, someone who knows what to do, someone who has power over me, someone who "forces" me to do things I do not want to do., who forces me to do things I need to do, etc. I have created a fantasy world where people in my life, other than my husband are doing this for me. This is a weird pattern of behaviour in that, on some level, it reflects my feelings towards my father. He was intensely controlling and my feelings of having an authority figure "force" me to do something, or tell me what to do are holdovers from both my childhood and from how my dad still treats me. I suppose, given my father's authoritative behaviour I always have had a difficult time making decisions for myself. I have an ingrained need to be given the answer, the activity, the way of being. This has slipped over into my sexual fantasy life.

Conscious/Unconscious Fears that Lead to My Feelings:

• I am afraid I am unlovable and cannot love. I feel like I have never been loved by a partner. Likewise, I have never felt "love" for any partner. I care about them, lust after them, am obsessed with them, excited by them etc., but I don't think I have ever truly loved or felt loved. I am not sure why. I think I am so scared I will be rejected that I neglect to allow myself to feel and show love.
• I am afraid my marriage is a sham. I fear I have spent from 27 to 43 (16 years) trying to hold together, repair and survive a marriage that was not meant to be. I am terrified that my husband stays with me just because he doesn't want to hurt me. I am scared we both stay together because the other choice is too difficult to decide and take action towards.
• I am afraid I have become old, depressed and unattractive. I am afraid no one will desire me. On some level, my desire for an "other" reflects my fear I will never be interesting, or desired by anyone else. I fear dying and not having experienced true love. Or having missed out on opportunities to exchange an intense and everlasting bond with someone else.

Fear and Desire

First, before anyone reads this I want everyone to recognize that while I periodically have feelings of love/lust and always care for Dr. X; I believe these are reflections of the difficulties I have with romance, connection and lust in my "real" (i.e. outside therapy) life.

This topic is very difficult for me to write about, but I also believe it is very important to dissect and address the feelings I experience.

While I respect and care deeply for Dr. X as a person and psychiatrist; I feel he is an extraordinary human being...I do not REALLY love Dr. X. I don't really even know him. (It feels kind of sad to say that)

I see him an hour a week and we talk about me. He has strict boundaries and I definitely respect those boundaries. In fact, I am probably more cautious of the boundaries than most Drs, because Dr. X is extremely valuable as a psychiatrist to me. I have no trouble recognizing I am transferring love onto him, rather than feeling love for him. I believe this is a common occurrence in therapy. I also believe gaining insight into my feelings, and why I have those feelings, for my therapist can help me.

The reason I brought the love/lust/caring thing with Dr. X. is not because I wanted him to know how I feel about him...I think he could have guessed that. I am not very transparent. The reason I brought the topic up is I believe it reflects and shows me difficulties and patterns and relationships in my life that need changing. I believe in acknowledging my feelings I have the opportunity to open up at a deeper level than I have ever been able to in therapy. I also believe this needs to happen before I can set about making changes to the relationships I am having trouble with. I think the love I feel for Dr. X. is a reflection of the love and connection I am missing in my "real" life (vs. life in therapy).

I thought it might be helpful to brainstorm some of the real life connections/disconnections that lead me to desire the love of my pdoc. By writing them here I will have a list of things to discuss and work on in therapy.

I came upon a very powerful statement about transference the other day. I have turned it into a question for myself:

What are the feelings the patient has towards the therapist? Examine the feelings the patient has and how they relate to unconscious motivations, desires and fears.
Conscious/Unconscious Motivations that Lead to My Feelings:

• I feel listened to. How could I not feel attracted to someone who listens carefully to what I say; someone who listens not only to what is being said, but also wants to uncover what is not being said. In my real life love relationship I feel unheard, undervalued, and ignored.


• I feel safe. I feel I can say pretty much anything with Dr. X. He never gets mad at me, never yells at me, never challenges my opinion in an angry way. My spouse always seems angry at me.


• I feel cared for. by Dr. X. He is always thoughtful, kind and compassionate. In my real life love relationship I feel the target of a huge amount of anger and frustration. I feel like my husband goes out of his way to avoid me. Much of the time I feel lonely when with him.

Conscious/Unconscious Desires that Propel My Feelings:

• I desire the love of a kind man. Dr. X is like this, always. I recognize it is his job to be this way, but I have NEVER encountered a man like this...ever. It would be hard not to have feelings for someone who, every time you see them, is kind, and thoughtful.
  I used to enjoy casual encounters. On some level I miss the excitement and newness of casual sex. I get bored in my sex life. Dr. X is a powerful "taboo". This excites me. It is the IDEA of a prohibited encounter that excites me.


• I desire a man/woman who wants to spend time with me and who shows me that. I feel wanted (as in I don't feel rejected) in therapy. I often feel rejected by my husband in many areas of our relationship. He calls me greedy for wanting too much sex, or ignores me when we are together, or is angry at me all the time.


• Dr. X seems to enjoy many of the cultural things I do (music, art, intellectual pursuits etc). My husband could care less. It is a chore to get him to participate in cultural events. I feel like we have little in common. I would love a partner who liked to do some of the same things as me.


• Dr. X never seems uncomfortable with my sexuality. Rather he normalizes the desires I have that may seem out of bounds to some. My husband is good like this too. He is really open minded...but he gets jealous. I like to flirt sometimes. It feels like harmless fun to me because I never have the intention to take my flirtation to the next level. I am just flirting as a form of fantasy. I get angry when my husband wants me to stop being a sexual being with anyone but him. I don't mean my having sex with others...though I miss that...I mean innuendo and flirtation, just for the fun of it


• I love a man who is an authority figure. Dr. X is this to me...though we have tried and tried to help me lose that feeling. Part of my sexual psyche craves someone in control, someone who knows what to do, someone who has power over me, someone who "forces" me to do things I do not want to do., etc. I have created a fantasy world where people in my life, other than my husband are doing this for me. I recognize both that Dr. X is not like this with me. He really has tried and tried to help me feel like an equal, but something about how close I feel to him makes me want him to be. This is a weird pattern of behaviour in that, on some level, it reflects my feelings towards my father. He was intensely controlling and my feelings of having an authority figure "force" me to do something, or tell me what to do are holdovers from both my childhood and from how my dad still treats me. I suppose, given my father's authoritative behaviour I always have had a difficult time making decisions for myself. I have an ingrained need to be given the answer, the activity, the way of being. This has slipped over into my sexual fantasy life.

Conscious/Unconscious Fears that Lead to My Feelings:

• I am afraid I am unlovable and cannot love. I feel like I have never been loved by a partner. Likewise, I have never felt "love" for any partner. I care about them, lust after them, am obsessed with them, excited by them etc., but I don't think I have ever truly loved or felt loved. I am not sure why. I think I am so scared I will be rejected that I neglect to allow myself to feel and show love.


• I am afraid my marriage is a sham. I fear I have spent from 27 to 43 (16 years) trying to hold together, repair and survive a marriage that was not meant to be. I am terrified that my husband stays with me just because he doesn't want to hurt me. I am scared we both stay together because the other choice is too difficult to decide and take action towards.


• I am afraid I have become old, depressed and unattractive. On some level, my desire for an "other" reflects my fear I will never be interesting, or desired by anyone else.


• I fear dying and not having experienced true love. Or having missed out on opportunities to exchange an intense and everlasting bond with someone else.