What Does a Depressed Person Look Like

The entire time I have been off work I have been sure that my insurance company is spying on me. This fear has caused me so much stress and grief. Dr. X. has really tried to encourage me to keep trying to play, smile, do things that I enjoy doing, despite both my depression and my concerns about the insurance company seeing me enjoying myself.

He says, act like they are watching you and do it anyways. I have tried really hard to do just that, but my worries about the insurance company misconstruing my joy in the moment, with wellness, and my ability to return to work, keeps me feeling terrified about doing things. It seems I may be worrying for a reason.

Over on Shrink Rap there is a post that will scare the hell out of anyone who is depressed and on disability. It tells the story of how a woman placed photos of herself on facebook showing her having fun and vacationing. Her insurer removed her from disability benefits for her depression partially based on how happy she appeared in her pictures.

The article made my me outraged, but it was the 668 comments after the article that made my blood bubble and boil. I could not believe how little so many people understand about what it is to live with and try to survive, and recover, from major/clinical depression.

I organized the comments by "agree", and the fourth most common agreed upon comment was:

• 525 people agreed: "...it is clear this woman is a scam artist".

Not far down the page were more unbelievable "agree" comments...

• 262 people agreed, "...I hate to be cruel but from the facts presented, I'm leaning towards support of the insurance company's side. If she's ok to take trips, have parties, and go bar-hopping, how is she not ok to report to work every day? "
• 212 people agreed..."Oops, looks like you got caught to me !!! Back to work we go....like the rest of the depressed workforce of today"
• 143 people agreed..."This woman sounds like a real go-getter"

How is it "clear this woman is a scam artist"? She posted pictures of a smiling self, enjoying the company of friends and a vacation on the beach. Do depressed people never go out with family or friends? Does major depression always preclude smiles, laughter and enjoyable moments on vacations?

I know for me, smiles come easily sometimes, and must be forced or faked other times. Even if I am severely depressed, I often find myself in situations where my mood suddenly lifts for a short period of time (when I teach art is an example). I have been so depressed I felt suicidal, unable to get out of bed, and was sure I was unable to get to my class...and then I walk through the door, see a student and my persona suddenly switches into high gear, and no one in the world would ever guess I was depressed. The problem is, afterwards, I almost always need to nap because I exhaust myself.

Does my ability to lift my mood mean I am not really depressed? I have wondered about this a lot. I cannot reconcile my depressed self with its thoughts of suicide, plans for suicide, hopelessness, and intensely low mood, with the persona that seems to be bubbly, personable and for some moments maybe even "happy".

I know that others have a difficult time believing I am depressed sometimes because I often am able to hide my sadness, or even become "unsad" for short periods of time. This has caused me a great deal of stress, because people are constantly underestimate, and often dismissing, how sad I am, and how much my depression impacts and continues to destroy my life, and my desire to live.

Another commenter writes, "If she's ok to take trips, have parties, and go bar-hopping, how is she not ok to report to work every day?" Can a person, who is truly depressed go on a vacation and enjoy any of it?

For me my depression often stops me from doing things, going places, being with people, but I still push myself to participate in these activities. Sometimes I even enjoy the activities I do. Can you believe I am depressed and actually enjoy some things? I do sometimes go away on a vacation.

Most of the time I still feel as depressed as I would be back at home, often the stress of being away from home is too much, but sometimes, the vacation provides me with moments of relief, and a break from myself. Do moments of relief mean wellness? Does it mean I can work?

Whether I am able, or not able, to work is complicated. When this depressive episode began I was severely depressed and somehow still managed to work at a job that required a great deal of energy and effort. My fear of losing my job pushed me to keep working well past the time I should have kept working. I struggled for two years to maintain my work, but near the end I shut down completely and would sit and listen to people at work explain things or discuss things...yet I could not understand what was going on anymore.

I know for me stress really triggers me and increases my depression. Currently I do some volunteer work, but only a few hours a week. I know I am not able to manage more than a few hours right now. Even with just those few hours it takes me a long time to recuperate.

I feel so scared I will not be given the time I need to get well, that I will be told I need to go back to work before I feel well enough to manage working. I question myself everyday about how it is that I am able to participate in life; write in my blog, volunteer, take singing lessons, see friends, yet am unable to manage working. I guess the simplest explanation is that the singing lesson is an hour long and then I can go home and sleep. My volunteering is a few hours a week, then I can go home and be alone, and sleep. My blog is just all the thoughts already in my head, being typed onto the page. It is cathartic for me to write...and then I can sleep. My friends know I am depressed, so I can just be most of the time.

I don't think that my sleeping after every little increment of work, at a job, would be very acceptable to any company. There is a term called "Presenteeism" that is replacing "Absenteeism" as what a company is not looking for. A person who shows up for work, yet is not well enough to fully participate in work costs companies a lot of money in lost revenue and work accomplished. The "Presentee shows up, does very little, and gets paid. It does not help the company to have a worker who is unable to fully participate in work.

Anyways I ramble...but I want to show that people who are severely depressed can sometimes lift themselves enough to do things others might perceive to be impossible to someone who is unaware what depression is really like. This just points to the resilience of the people pushing themselves to help themselves move towards wellness.

"I Love the Whole World"

Yesterday, in my pdoc appt we discussed my going off my medication and trying to get a clearer view of what is/is not, or if anything is helping me; my starting from a blank slate. I am not certain my medications are helping me, though I do seem to have "manageable moods" more often than before, but maybe that is therapy, and teaching, and creating art, and developing friendships etc.

Dr. X said it was not clear to him that the medications were helping me. He also expressed "dismay"that I had increased my Valium, rather than decrease it as discussed. He said it is a worrisome trend. I said "dismay" in brackets, because he never lets it show if he is disappointed. The dismay aspect comes from how I felt he felt about my misstep.

I am terrified of discontinuing, or lowering my Valium. I always get so stressed out, stop sleeping, become miss crankypants from hell. Rather than express all that fear I make the excuse, "but it seem like Valium IS the only medication that helps me."

Last night I decided "fuck it" I am going of the Valium fast and I will deal with the sleeplessness, anxiety and irritability. The faster I get off it, the faster I will get over the withdraw effects.

Dr. X and I decided to have me go off the Mood Stabilizer I am on. I haven't had a joyous day in a long time, and my good moods are so good they outshine the happiest person out there in terms of radiance and pure energy, without the bad consequences of mania/hypomania. I feel like life and all its glory exudes and radiates energy through me.

I was watching the Discovery Channel last night and they have the best advertisement I have ever seen....this is me when I feel good:

I want ME back.

Last night I lowered my Tegretol from 1000 to 800mgs (as per Dr X's instructions)...but I also lowered my Valium from 20mgs to 15 and will lower to 10 tonight. Life is too short and there is too much to experience to be the way I am.

How to Create World Peace

I am too burnt out right now to talk about my existential struggles, so instead I have decided, once and for all to resolve the problem of "World Peace":

Aqua's 10 Steps that would lead to World Peace:

1) Either a) Get rid of all religions, OR b)Everyone agree that all religions pretty much preach the same thing...Love and care for people, animals, all beings the way they need to be love. If "b" everyone accept that others have different ways of achieving the same goal. And in the religions that have a God, or Higher Being, understand that NO higher being wants to see their humans killing and maiming each other, or any of the other beings on earth...after all the Higher Being created these beings. Why the hell would they want to see them hurt or killed?

2) Everyone, everywhere, drop your guns and lay down your bombs (gently), and go have a long dinner with the person you were about to shoot, maim, or kill.

3) Everyone who is at war, invite your enemies to stay at your house for a few days, then go stay at your enemies house for a few days. Meet their children, their wives, their husbands, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Talk with them until late into the night. Sleep in their bed, under their roof. Wake up in the morning and have breakfast with them

4) Exchange kids with your enemy for a week. Get to know their kids. Hold their children when they feel scared and lonely. Put bandaids on their cuts when they scrape their knees. Sing to them and tell them stories before you tuck them in at night. Hug and kiss them goodnight.

5) Have a block party where a hundred enemies come together, sit down and talk, sing and dance late into the night. Meet your enemy's neighbours, their religious leaders, their postmen, and doctors, their university students, their politicians and their artists. Get to know your enemy's community.

6) Build a big campfire with your enemy, pull out a guitar, pull up some chairs, sing campfire songs and make smores together.

7) Everyone who is fighting, everywhere in the world, get your swimsuits on and go for a nice long swim together. Play water polo with each other. Snorkel together, or if you are near the north or south poles have a gigantic polar bear swim, then race to a sauna and hang out together.

8) Make it a rule, that before you kill someone, you must first meet their wives, husbands and children for at least one hour. You must listen to what they fear the most, you must tell them the same. You must also tell each other who you love and why.

9) Get rid of all the cars and start walking every where. Greet every single person you meet with a smile and a handshake. Introduce yourself. Learn their names. Learn about their lives. Have an open door policy so anyone can stop by and visit if they are in your neighbourhood. Feel comfortable stopping by others places to visit. Have no expectations that yours, or their house will be clean or tidy. You are going to see them, not their house. After you have met them 10 times hug them when you say goodbye.

10) Have compassion for everyone you come across in your life. Try to see the world from their perspective. Try to walk in their shoes. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Know that all people want to get through life safely and happily and take care of their friends and family.