I Can't Sleep

Argh...I have so much energy running through my brain that I cannot sleep...in fact worse...I am WIDE WIDE awake. I went to bed at 11pm and I thought I was really exhausted. I seemed to fall sleep for a while, but then started getting restless for about 45 minutes, so got up for a while. When I looked at the clock to see what time it was when I got out of bed it was only 12:10 which means I slept a grand total of 25 minutes.

I look exhausted, with huge bags under my eyes, but I feel wired for sound; not even a tiny bit tired. I'm going to try to sleep again now...drank some warm milk and am comfy, cozy. I really hope the ECT isn't triggering this insomnia...I don't do well with less than 8hrs sleep/night.

It Hurts

I cried myself to sleep last night. This week has been like that. I feel overwhelmed by all the responsibility to get better, to help myself, and to move on in my life.

I feel like I think I try hard, but really I do not. I vegetate at home a lot. I stare at the wall half the day and wish I could change. That is getting me nowhere. This life is no life at all. It is hell.

Yesterday afternoon I had a short period of hope, that if I could manage to do all the things I enjoyed, or all the things I wanted to do, if I just did all the things that made me happy, I would become happy. Just the thinking about how to get myself, how to force myself, how to push myself to do, instead of just think about doing, exhausted and overwhelmed me. I feel useless, hopeless, helpless. Completely lost.

Last night I opened up the bag with all my hoarded medications. I want so badly to end this life. I wrote my sisters a note a few days ago. As I sat staring at all the medicine I tried to figure out how to exit and make sure my dog is okay. That, and the fact that I don't even have the energy to kill myself, is the only thing that stopped me. How sad...that besides my dog, my low energy and inability to do, is the only thing saving me.

Wide Awake

It's 3:40 and I have been wide awake since 1:00am. I am (sort of) trying out the sleep/wake system some indigenous people in the world use: If I am awake and cannot sleep, get up, do something relaxing and go to be when I am tired again. I say "sort of", because I did lay in bed for 2 1/2 hours fruitlessly trying to get back to sleep.

I do not understand why I cannot sleep when I take so much medication, some of which, 1000 mg of Tegretol (a mood stabilizer) and 300 mg Trazadone (an older, sleep inducing antidepressant), is meant to help me sleep.

They do help me get to sleep. Within 1/ hr of taking it I can barely stay awake. These medications also, sometimes, seem to help me stay asleep, but like my shapeshifting (read:cycling) mood, there effect seems random.

Dr. X. has spoken with me about my alcohol usage. He's never judging, or paternalistic, but it is clear he is attempting to sway my beliefs, that alcohol helps me, away from the "darkside. He says alcohol may lower anxiety initially, but that there is a rebound effect, a withdrawal of sorts, later on. So if I drink to much I will initially fall asleep, but when the alcohol wears of I will be wide awake. It makes sense. Often I experience exactly this effect, but not always; which makes it difficult for me to think this may be the problem sometimes.

The trouble now, and often when I have these random sleepless nights, is I have not been drinking more than one drink (measured as 1 1/2 oz. vodka, or a small glass of wine, or a bottle of cider) a night all week. I am still not sleeping.

I also have wondered if my insomnia is mood associated. On some level it is. When my mood gets too high I sleep much less. I often sleep much less (at night) when I am depressed though too, due to ruminations, worries, anxiety etc. When depressed I usually sleep more in the daytime due to fatigue...so perhaps the daytime sleep affects my nightime sleep, but again this is not consistently the case. Not being able to sleep is so frustrating.

Now I am feeling sleepy again, so I think I will pop back to bed. Sweet dreams everyone.

The Nightmare, Henri Fuseli 1741-1825

I actually slept last night. Thank god. I increased my Tegretol to 800mgs, took 125mgs of Trazadone and had a couple big martinis. I fell asleep within an hour of going to bed (12:30) and stayed asleep until close to 5am. I still feel wired for sound today, but I am very happy I slept.

I can't explain why sleeping is important to me when, although I wasn't sleeping, I had tons of energy. I guess there is some relief in knowing I got some sleep and in not spending all night trying to force and coax myself into sleep.

This whole experience is making me wonder how much I may need a mood stabilizer. I was trying to go off Tegretol because I thought maybe it was keeping my mood down; not allowing my antidepressant (Prozac) to lift my mood as much as I wanted. I also felt like maybe it was causing my fatigue.

Now, given my insomnia and hyperactive mood after I decreased Tegretol from 1000mg to 200mgs, I am rethinking whether it is wise to go off Tegretol. I guess I am afraid now that the Prozac is maybe lifting me too high on its own. Its not a good high either. There is so much energy behind my increase in mood that while I am "activated", or energized, I am also agitated and anxious. So much so that I do not think I can manage it much longer.

I will take 800mgs Tegretol again tonight and see if I can sleep with 100mgs Trazadone. Maybe if I get sleep for a few nights I will calm down. My brother-in-law and his wife are coming to visit next week. I have avoided them for a couple years now. Always opting out visiting them when my husband goes East to visit. I just get too stressed out trying to put on a face for everyone. It is exhausting.

My husband insists I spend time with them when they visit. I really do not want to be this high when I see them next week. They are really nice, but I'm sure they already think I am crazy. The last thing I need is to be speed talking, interrupting, agitated, irritable and anxious around them.

Unfortunately, we have to visit them away from our house. Travelling and staying away from my own bed is another stressor that contributes to my not sleeping well, and usually to a drop in mood. I am trying to go with the flow, but am really not looking forward to being away from home.

I Am a Song

Nina Simone, Love Me or Leave Me

If I were a a song (the music, as opposed to the words) right now...this is it.

That constant beat in the background and the flitty scales and the constant steady, speediness of the music, but also some of its airiness and lightness capture me perfectly.

Not sleeping...at all. Can't get to sleep for hours. Then when I fall asleep I am waking 15-20 minutes later and struggling to get back to sleep again. Rarely have I been sleeping more than an hour at a time.

I'd say my mood is up, insofar as I have more energy and feel intense desire to do things (not actually do them yet...but at least I want to). Unfortunately there is a measure of agitation, restlessness or speediness to how I am feeling. This is creating some mood lability in me.

I am frustrated with myself in terms of how I am struggling to "activate". I have to stop THINKING about what to do and JUST DO IT! Therapy is not going to help me if I don't actually do the things Dr. X and I discuss and decide upon. I need to take responsibility and will myself into action. I feel like I am wasting Dr. X's time by showing up and then not doing the work required to help myself.

Things I want to do...and WILL do in the very near future:
1) Singing lessons (I am starting today....Yay!!!! (a bit scared, but excited too). I love to sing. My husband got me lessons for Christmas...best gift he ever got me!
2) Piano lessons. My whole life I have wanted to learn to play the piano. I have time now. I should just do it. Take lessons, practice, learn.
3) Swim or Exercise at the gym everyday....in the early morning.
4) Take an art class (I start one next week...a mixed media class)
5) Paint, paint, paint...draw, draw, draw.
6) Memorize some poetry

For some reason I see these things as "icing" and getting back to work as "cake". It feels indulgent and selfish, almost gluttinous and greedy, to do these things I like to do, when I should be doing what I am supposed to do. I feel like I should be spending more time contributing to society, not just doing everything I want to do. Does that make any sense?

Insomnia

The Last Psychiatrist (TLP) has written some an interesting post about "Treating Insomnia With Less". I am especially interested given my difficulties sleeping much of the time, and right now, almost all of the time.

Right now I am still wired, still not sleeping and still not tired. The past two nights, on top of my meds I have taken Muscle Relaxants and Advil as, when I was struggling to get to sleep two nights ago, after hours of laying there not sleeping, I somehow pulled a muscle in my neck/shoulder area by moving the wrong way.

I think in part I was so tense from being wired and not sleeping that my muscles tensed up so much I strained them. Anyways, at least last night and the night before I fell in and out of sleep here and there after about 2:00am. However, also woke up all night off and on and couldn't get back to sleep each time.

Anyways...to make a long story short...I am taking one of the medications TLP writes about (Doxepin), but at a bit higher dose than the 6mgs he is discussing. My first impression of the Doxepin when I began it last week ius that it is at least as useless as the 100 mgs Trazadone I was taking (which was not working either). My initial thought was maybe I need more Doxepin, but if I am reading TLP's post correctly, it appears less is more for Doxepine. Interesting.

Check out The Last Psychiatrist's Blog. It is always an interesting, thought provoking, and sometimes challenging site. Highly recommended.

It's Real

I take back what I said earlier about imagining how I was feeling yesterday. I am was not being neurotic yesterday. It is happening again today. I am speedy. My brain is moving faster than I can make my body act. I am flitting from one thing to another, not really getting anything done. Even now as I type my hands are shaky and cannot go as fast as my brain. I am getting speedier as the day goes on. I don't feel angry today though, just flighty, maybe annoyed, and a bit irritable.

Yesterday I whipped off two letters, one to my bank and one to a person, that were a bit harsh in tone. (The bank one was really snarky, which is unlike how I usually present myself, but may be like I am when irritable and speedy. Looking at it now I don't think I should have sent them, or would have sent them if I was feeling right.

My libido has returned full, full, full swing too (well maybe more than full swing)...that could be attributed to my new found sexual insight. It could also be that the Tegretol was dulling me.

Anyways...I guess what I am saying is I am speedy, which may, or may not be a bad thing. I am a bit concerned because I haven't slept for 3 days now and wasn't sleeping much before that the past while. You know how it is when you second guess how you are feeling? When you think maybe you are imagining you are going too high because you are afraid of flipping into a hypomania/mania. I should try to relax, because according to Dr. X I have nit been manic, but I guess I feel a bit out of control right now and have done a couple things that are not like me to do, and I feel so hyper I can't stop.

Not Sleeping

Clock reads: (approximate times)
10:15 pm To Bed

11:30 pm This
1:00 am is
1:45 am what
3:00 am it
4:00 am is
5:35 am like
5:50 (take dog out)
(sleep for a 15-20 minutes)
6:45 to
7:30 not
(sleep somewhere in between for a while)
8:45 sleep!

I was being a neurotic worrywort yesterday. I have more energy inside me and I am unused to that. It doesn't feel right because I'm usually so squashed down with fatigue. I am just going to "be". If I cannot sleep again tonight I will get up and write in my blog.