Benevolent Structure

Over at Dr. Shock's Blog he has posted a blog about depression and art. With the post he has posted two paintings Klaas Koopmans painted of his fellow patients when Koopmans was in the hospital. They are beautiful.

Here are a couple drawings I did while in the hospital. My roommate, who I adored, had amaranthus on here beside table...it was stunning, so I drew it. Then I drew the part of my hospital room that I found myself staring vacantly at while I was there.

When I went into the hospital for ECT in 2004 I brought my drawing board, paper and pencils with me. Drawing helped me break away from the fear I felt about receiving ECT, but it was also a really positive way to pass the time during a very dark period of my life.

(note...an aside): ECT and my hospital stay was a positive experience for me. I read up about it and felt confident, and feel confident, that it is a safe and often effective treatment for major depression. There was however, some kind of primal fear about being put to sleep and trusting and allowing a stranger to do something physical to your brain. My fears were unfounded as the only negative side effect I was left with is crumby spelling (I used to have impeccable spelling...now it is really bad...though this could be medication induced and/or caused by my decline in reading since being depressed. It did however, seem directly associated with ECT..There is always spell check, so not really a big deal.
It is taking me a really long time to learn one of the most important lessons I can learn:

Plan to participate in positive activities in my life, even when, and especially when, I am depressed .

It is extremely difficult given how, when depressed, I have so much fatigue and a desire to do nothing but sleep. In the end though planned activities like volunteering, painting, drawing, and singing work to help me in a few ways:

1. The planned activities create a "benevolent structure" (Dr. X's term) This benevolent structure creates an external "pull" towards my continuing to do things to help myself, even when my mood drops.
2. The plan replicates some form of structure, which emulates a sort of "work". I really need structure to get out of bed. I do more if I have a set plan to do things.

3. While it may not seem like doing things is helping, maybe while doing things I feel overwhelmed, overbooked or just plain tired, but...I know doing things keeps me at least more on track than if I avoid everything and sleep.

4. Scheduling and doing planned activities "forces me" to actually do something. I don't mean really forces, I mean creates a sense of responsibility to myself and others that acts as a motivation for my doing, rather than only thinking about doing. The latter only creates guilt.

5. "I don't want to, or I'm too tired to, (go, paint, participate, see anyone etc.) usually means "I am too depressed to"...if I am thinking these thoughts it is extremely important for me to challenge them.

What Motivates You?

On my last post, my second drawing lesson, Lola, from "Marine Snow" commented, "I wish I had the motivation to do something like this [the drawing exercises I was explaining], but at the moment am slipping into the staring at the wall type mood." I often get that blank wall, glazed over stare. I seem to spend much of my life in that mode; though I often stare dazed at the big tree outside too. Hugs Lola...I hope it passes quickly.

I have been doing quick sketches of the messes throughout what I call my house (it is actually a disaster zone). Dr. X. asked me to bring in photos of my messy house a few weeks ago, but I am just too embarrassed by how unbelieveably messy my house has become; and often becomes. I love a clean home, but the task of cleaning even a small portion of it is overwhelming and full of intense feelings of failure and shame. Yesterday I decided instead of photos I might bring in sketches of the distaster.

I laughed today as I walked by an 18" x 24" sketch of my computer desk and the pile of crap all over it (numerous books, all in different places, a hydro bill witing to be paid, numerous scraps of paper all, I am sure, containing something important...not sure what though, and they have been there forever, a dirty empty cereal bowl and spoon, an open and empty granola bar wrapper, small sketches on scraps of paper, a large comb, a phone, a short piece of lime green ribbon, a pen, numerous business cards I will never look at, cords for my electronic stuff that needs to hook up to the usb port periodically, an empty torn open envelope, a few paper napkins, a folded piece of paper with someone's e-mail on it, a spray bottle of hair straightening spray (I never use...my hair is straight...duh!), a webcam, an empty pill bottle...and the list goes on.

I began to laugh because the irony was not lost on me that had I spent my energy cleaning up, instead of sketching, the mess, I would have no mess to sketch...hmmm. Why didn't I have the energy, motivation, or willpower to just clean it up instead of closely observing and drawing it? Too strange.

I guess it meant more to me to use the energy I had to draw, than it did to clean up. How do most people manage to do both their chores and their hobbies?