Catch Up

I have been in the hospital so haven't been able to keep up with my postings or responses. I apologize. I am still "technically" in the hospital, but am out on a pass right now. It feels so good to be at home!!!

This post is going to be a smattering of things I have been doing, information about treatments for depression I have been receiving and results I have experiencing from those treatments. Here goes...

1) ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)...I remember, years ago when I was in university, the student newspaper published an whole issue that was radically anti-electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Am I ever glad I never listened to all the negative hype and (with trusted support and help) decided for myself whether I would try ECT as a treatment.

I have been receiving unilateral ECT treatments approximately 3X/week for 3 weeks. The X-mas holidays made it a bit mixed up. For the past couple weeks I have had ECT treatments once a week. I said in the previous post my increase in mood has been nothing short of miraculous. I was so severely depressed a couple weeks ago, and throughout most of the past 17 plus years( ...actually I had MDE's even before that, but the worst ones and this past 10 year plus treatment resistant MDE, have occurred in the past two decades).

Yesterday and the day before my mood was so intensely high I felt like I was in heaven. My self had come back!!! I was bubbly, effusive, effervescent, talkative, extremely outgoing, energetic, so happy I cannot even describe it. I felt like I was glowing, beautiful, and I felt extremely sexy and sexual. This is how I feel when I feel well. I think the intensity feels so strong because feeling good for me has been so hard to achieve, and suddenly all my bad feelings and thoughts were gone.

Unfortunately, my mood began to crash last night, but nowhere near as low/bad as it was before. It definitely is low though...which is upsetting, as I have seen this kind of cycling mood before, where I become my high self for a few days, only to crash and burn a few days later.

I am hoping this crash is temporary, and caused by my not sleeping the other night. I slept last night, and hopefully will sleep again tonight, and maybe that will help lift my mood again.

2) I don't even want to write this, but I will...I wonder if I have been hypomanic the past couple days. I really did not think so, until my boyfriend and I started discussing my behaviour and he told me I was being really pushy about sex. Until he said that I just felt like me and my "true" high sex drive had returned.

I know I have a much higher libido than many women...even when severely depressed, if sex is initiated by someone else I almost always am happy to participate...though I have difficulty initiating when depressed). I was feeling extremely sexual last night, and I can see how my boyfriend might have felt a bit overwhelmed by my advances, as he was not feeling very well.

He told me that sometimes when I am "high" I get really demanding and pushy. I have received this feedback from other people before, that sometimes I am so "ramped up" and "on", and when I am I sometimes demand the same level of energy and competence from others. I have seen this in myself too. I can tone it down, but unless I constantly pay attention to my behaviour I tend to slip right back into high energy mode.

Problem is...I think this behaviour is my personality...not my mood. Many members in my family have this same personality...super on all the time, constantly busy and always doing many things at the same time. My Dad is like this, as are both my sisters. I am a bit more outgoing, talkative, and effusive than them, but my paternal grandmother was EXACTLY like me, right down to being easily annoyed by anyone who couldn't keep up with her.

I am not saying that I am proud of my negative behaviour, but unfortunately I think my pushiness is tied to my "high" personality. In my defense...unlike my Grandma...who could really hurt others feelings with her insensitivity, I am really sensitive myself and knowing how easy it is to feel hurt by someone else, I try really, really hard to not hurt others, or effect them in a negative way. While sometimes I do make mistakes, or forget to hold back; I work hard to be as thoughtful, and aware of how by behaviour affects others as I possibly can.

There is more to write, but I need a break...I will continue to write again soon. Take care everyone.

P.S. Thank you so much to all the friends, readers, and health care professionals who have helped me throughout my depression. Of course, an especially big thank you goes out to Dr. K. (my psychiatrist). I would not be here without him. He is one of the most caring, knowledgeable and consistently supportive doctors and people I have ever had the pleasure to work with. Thank you so much for never giving up on me.

Nevertheless

Wow, I really am "on". I have felt so good the past few weeks I am beginning to feel like maybe, just maybe I am beginning to heal. I am super energetic and driven much of the day. Driven, is an understatement. I am so enthusiastic and energized much of the day, that I feel wired for sound...revved up, speedy, high on something. Unfortunately, this is leading to my maybe overdoing life, planning and doing too many things, which I can see may be leading to my becoming sickly exhausted later in the afternoon. I am trying to accept my afternoon exhaustion and do all the things I want to do anyways. The past few weeks I have set up so many incredible things in my life.

My singing lessons and choir are unbelievably good for me. In fact, they are so joyous and soul defining for me that I wonder if it is the singing that is making me feel so high. Something about singing fills me with passion and lust for life. The more I sing, the happier I become. I feel like a bird in the springtime, compelled to sing my song loud to the world.

While I am singing I feel so intensely happy it is beyond words. Sometimes I am quiet in my song at choir or in my lessons, because I fear making a mistake, or embarrassing myself. However, when I loosen up and let my voice loose I have an incredibly powerful and beautiful voice. My song is nowhere near as gorgeous if I try to hold back. I need to remember that.



Yesterday in my singing lesson I learned a new Jazz song: "Nevertheless". My version is better than this version, but you get the idea of the song. I sing it with a bit more punctuation on some of the words and a slower sexier feel. It is so sexy and sultry. I feel like I am myself when I'm singing it.

We also transposed "Bluemoon" into a lower key and it is much more sensual and alluring. I love it. We did the same with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", changing it to Eva Cassidy's version, which is lower and has quite a different feel to it. Oh, I love it soooo much. I am learning the intro to it too, something I have never heard before.

As I left my lesson yesterday my voice instructor expressed to me that I was learning the songs, and able to improvise interesting takes on the songs, extremely quickly. I felt really good when she said this because in my pdoc appt yesterday morning I was stressing about my difficulty remembering songs. It seems it is the words I am struggling with, not the melodies. The music seems to latch onto my brain more easily than the words. Not sure why. I learned "Nevertheless"in two tries and it sounds amazing. Of course I need more practice, but I know how I want to sing it and it sounds pretty good already.

This high feeling, intensified, and perhaps bred by music, reminds me of the times I feel really well. When well I sing all the time. When well I sing in the streets, in the shower, when I'm with people, when I'm out and about doing my daily tasks, when painting, when teaching, when driving. I sing unselfconsciously and joyously. I don't care who is listening. Thanks Dr. X for the encouragement in our session yesterday. It helped me address my fear in the moment.

I feel I am close to attaining unselfconscious joy right now. In fact my instructor's son came home part way through the session and was going to leave...and I said, "no stay. It doesn't matter to me if you are here while I am singing". That is a monstrously huge step towards letting go of my fear.