Disappearing Act

Sorry for the disappearing act. My life has been turned topsy turvy over the past 2 months. I have reopened my blog to all viewers, so you should not have to sign in anymore. Thanks for the support and patience.

For those who were unable to view my blog over the past couple months, here is an update...

1) A couple months ago I became reacquainted with a man I have been really attracted to for a while . Given I was married I felt an obligation to my husband to remain faithful.

2) This time when we crossed paths (this man and I) there was an unbearably powerful electricity between us. I tried to stay faithful, but given the continuing and long term difficulties in my marriage and this new found intense attraction towards another person I began an affair.

3) Within a week or two of beginning the affair my husband discovered what was happening.

4) He kicked me out of our house.

5) I went to a hotel with my dog and began searching for a new home. This was extremely difficult because of the dog. No one wants to rent to a dog owner.

6) Finally I found a place, and over the past month have been moving in and getting organized and settled in my new home. I am almost settled thanks to the help of my girlfriends H and E and my new boyfriend.

7) I have been fraught with guilt about the way I left my husband and how much I hurt him. Despite our differences he was my partner for 18 years and I care about him. I feel guilty, but I also feel a sense of self and individuality that I have not felt in years. I feel like I molded myself and forced myself to become what I thought my husband wanted. Whoever I had become was not me. I feel I am on my way to becoming a stronger me. I feel my "power" coming back.

8) I really like my new friend. He is very approachable, kind, considerate, loving, open, and warm. I feel good about myself with him

9) Welcome to my new life, my new adventure, my times of intense and I believe positive change.

Thanks for reading.
...aqua

Health or Safety?

So much has been happening in my life. I went to see my husband (J). The entire night before I was torn. I did not know what to do. Should I return to him as he had requested the previous day?, or should I move onto a different life?

Being with someone for 18 years creates an intense connection and "safeness", even if things are not the way you want or need them to be. I kept looking at my new friend (I) and thinking how do I know this is what I want? How do I know I want to start a new life? How do I know J will be okay? He sounded so sad, desperate and broken when I spoke with him. After 18 years I feel an obligation to help J be okay through all this.

I phoned my stepmom and talked with her about what I should do. Without telling me what to do she asked me: "Do you want to be safe, or do you want to be healthy?"

It struck me deeply. My marriage has been very difficult the past few years. My husband has been drinking a large amount everyday. I feel he is constantly mad at me. I feel I have to be someone other than myself around him. I feel constantly criticized around him. I feel so lonely when I am with him, more lonely than when I am alone.

I started to imagine what my life 10, 20, 30 years from now. I saw myself back with J still feeling disconnected, alone, dismissed, criticized. I saw myself still extremely depressed. I envisioned what it would be like to be sad the rest of my life.

I knew my health had to come before safety. Sure I do not know what my life will be like without J, but I know what it has been like with him. It hasn't always been that way, but it has for a long time. I have tried to make it better, but it never changes. I do not want the rest of my life to be that way.

I told J that I needed to be by myself. I asked if he wanted to go to counselling. He said no. I still would go if it would help him and he wanted to, but I do not believe he will ever want to see a marriage counsellor.

I am sad that we could not make it work. I am sad for J. I am sorry I did what I did. I am, however, glad I had the power to protect myself and not go home. It would have been the safe thing to do, but not the best thing for my mental well being.

Yesterday morning a disheveled man, speaking strange words and chattering to himself, approached me. He came right up to me, touched my arm and said, "Don't worry. Everything is going to be all right". I looked at him and said, "Thank god, because everything has been pretty bad lately". He looked at me like he had known that all along.

Followed

My husband came in the house just now and asked me how the my painting went. I said good. He said, W"hat would you say if I told you I followed you today and you didn't go to the arts Clubhouse?"

I didn't. I made love all day with another man. It was incredible, beautiful, breathtaking.

I just looked at my husband and said, "Why would you follow me?" He walked out of the house and slammed the door.

I want out.