Loss

I am at my sister's. She lives about 250 km from me, in the town my Mom used to live in before she died. I used to come to this town all the time, but since Mom died it is almost impossible for me to come here. It feels empty and I feel alone and sad, even when surrounded by the family I love.

Yesterday I drove to the house my Mom used to live in. I haven't been there since she passed away. I pulled over at the side of the road across from her house and sobbed. I am crying right now. The loss of my Mom and how it has affected me is impossible to relay. I loved her more than anything in the world and three years after her death I am still having a really difficult time accepting I will never see her again.

I have been at my sister's for a few days now. I love my sister and her kids so much, but I feel more alone with them, than I do when I am alone at home. We rarely talk about Mom, and I feel like my presence is a reminder to her of our loss, and her presence is a reminder to me of that loss. I just want to go home, but I have to go to a family wedding today.

I am dreading it, in the same way I dreaded that party two weeks ago. I already feel dissociative and I'm not even there yet. I am exhausted and afraid of all the people I will have to be someone else for. All I want to do is go back to bed.

"Outing" Myself

I was wondering what other people do in terms of having a mental illness and how much or how little information they reveal about themselves to other people.

In particular "The Silent Voices in My Mind" made a comment on my "Fatigue and Depression" post about how her kids do not understand how, sometimes, it takes too much energy to talk on the phone.

First SV I want you to know you are not alone. I rarely answer the phone for the exact same reason, and calling people who have left messages for me is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I think I almost have a phobia of the phone.

I explained to my nieces this weekend that I have a mental illness. One of my sisters has told her kids, and I have mentioned it in passing to the other two before, but this weekend they all saw that I was taking pills morning, afternoon and night and they outright asked me what I was doing. (gotta love the curious and unafraid to ask anything aspect of kids)

So I sat down and I told them:

Me: "Auntie Aqua takes medicine because she has a mental illness".

Them: "What's that?"

Me: (unsure exactly how to explain it). "It means I have an illness in my brain that makes me feel really sad all the time. The illness makes me really tired and afraid to do or try things most people would not be afraid of. It makes me think sad thoughts."

Them: "WHAT???"

Me: "Well, are you ever sad sometimes? Or are you ever really scared of things?"

Them: "Yes."

Me: "When you feel like that is it because something makes you sad, like when someone hurts your feelings, or when you can't do something you want to do. Or, when you feel scared is it because something scared you?

Them: "Yes"

Me: "What happens when the thing that scared you or made you sad goes away?"

Them: "We are happy, or not scared anymore"

Me: "Well, your Auntie feels sad and scared most of the time, for no reason. I take medicine to help me feel less afraid, to help me sleep and to help me feel happy like you"

Them: "That doesn't make any sense"

Me: "My mental illness, a sickness inside my brain, makes me sad and scared. Something inside my brain makes me feel that way. I don't know why, it just does"

Them: "Ohh"....and then they all run off to play.

C.T. Scan Results

Re: my Post about going in for a C.A.T. scan...it was actually a CT scan (not sure what the difference is but nothing showed up on it. I asked Dr. X. what they would have been looking for. He said tumours, signs of brain damage etc. So I guess my increasing word finding, mixing up words and memory problems are either related to being depressed, or they are side effects of my medicine.

I do feel like I am far more confused and having more memory retrieval and word retrieval and word mix-up problems than ever before. It is so frustrating.

Fatigue and Depression

How can I love my nieces so much, yet feel relief that they have gone home? I am exhausted. I feel physically sick and I am so tired. It is not a sleepy tired, but a feeling like my whole body can hardly move. I'm shuffling my feet an just sitting here staring off into space: wasted.

Fatigue and exhaustion are a huge part of my depressive symptoms. I can be up, really up if I have to be; like with my nieces, but the cost is huge. As soon as the occasion for which I need to be strong, up and projecting a happy me is over I feel almost like I am going to collapse.

I was severely depressed (as part of this MDE) for the two years before I left work. I worked as a facilitator/teacher/program development specialist for a large corporation. My job was high paced, challenging and full of social contact via courses, classes, management training, management of a training team etc.

I would cry all the way to work, stand at the crosswalk thinking intensely about stepping in front of the oncoming bus, visualize myself hanging myself in the handicapped washroom; and then step into my work building and be "on", bright, happy, outgoing, welcoming, caring, kind etc, etc. towards every single person I met.

When I left for the night I could barely open the door to leave the building. I was that exhausted. I would get in my car and speed as fast as I could, praying my car would lose control and I would die. I would get home and hit my head over and over and over. I was so angry with myself for being unable to extricate myself from a job that, while I was that depressed, was literally going to kill me.

I still have the same patterns. I cannot help but make myself into the "happy" person I believe others need me to be when I am around them. The trouble is it takes so much energy to be that person that when I leave the scenario/person to go home I want to throw up I feel so tired.

I think what I do is called a "reactive mood". From what I understand it, and the fatigue, are markers of a subtype of depression called "Atypical Depression", along with other symptoms I have like eating more and gaining weight when depressed (vs. the person who stops eating when depressed) and wanting to sleep much more.

Fatigue was the reason I sought help from my family doctor. It is always the first thing that happens when a depressive episode sets in; and that, and a decrease in eating are the first things to go when the MDE begins to wane.

Despite my medications lifting my mood enough for me to manage a bit better, the side effects of the medicines are keeping me fatigued. I also am still having huge problems with mood lability and the "reactive mood--->fatigue" cycle.

My nieces are so beautiful and soul enhancing, but I made the right decision to not have children. You would not believe how much I love and adore my nieces. However, if I had to take care of children 24/7 I am certain I would die of exhaustion. I also made the decision to not have children because my family has multiple people in it who have bipolar disorder, or major depression, or anxiety/panic problems. I seem to be a mixture of all three and I just could not bear passing these on to another human being.

I am certainly not saying people with mental illnesses should not have children. I marvel at the love and attention many of my friends with these illnesses are able to provide their kids. I am just saying for me, I could not manage that responsibility, no matter how much I loved my kids. I can barely take care of myself much of the time.

My Lovely Munchkins

I have these 4 beautiful munchkins (AKA neices) staying with me for 5 days so I will be off showing them the city and enjoying their company. We are going to the folk festival and Science World, and swimming, ad to Grouse Mountain....so I probably won't have time to write here until they have gone home...wish me luck! I might need it;>)

Metaphors that have helped me Cope with Suicidal Thoughts

Recently, I have had numerous (different) people Google my blog over the past couple weeks by the search words "I want to die", or "I wish I would die", "I want to die, help me". I have those feelings and thoughts a lot of the time.

I worry for the people who are looking for help so I will share a few bits of wisdom my pdoc has shared with me. This is not a preachy post, or a post telling anyone to do anything other than that which they choose. This post is just me expressing some things that have helped me. Maybe they can help you too.

In my experience, once I get through the obsessive suicidal thoughts, either by talking openly with my pdoc about them, or by wrapping myself in a blanket and hanging on for dear life, the power of the feelings over me usually fades. I cannot say the feelings ever really go away, but I try hard to survive them.

I was just reading something my pdoc wrote about how he likes to use metaphors in his practice to help his patients. He does, and his metaphors stick with me. With his use of metaphors and similes he is really good at making something insurmountable seem possible. I have shared some of these before, but I'd like to share them all together:

1) Think of yourself being on a well built, strong and sturdy ship. The wind and the waves are trying to force the ship off course. They are howling and waves are sweeping over the bow. These external forces are trying to sink the ship, to drown you. During these times it is your job to hold onto the rudder and steer. You can't stop the wind and waves, but you have some control over where the ship goes. (I almost always think of this when my depression is threatening to kill me with suicidal thoughts. It is all I can do sometimes to hang on, but I do)

2) I often feel like I am making no progress, like I am doing the same behaviours over and over and over. Like my cycling mood keeps repeating and repeating itself. Dr. X. used the metaphor of a piece of classical music (or any music really). As the movements progress there is repetition, but each time it repeats there are subtle, sometimes barely recognizable changes, until finally the piece reaches it's crescendo and the repetition becomes a glorious change.

I really like this metaphor. To think of my life as a piece of slowly changing music is a beautiful thing. If I look at my diaries from 2001 I have made enormous changes, but if you asked me on any given day I might say I will never change. My perspective is skewed while I'm in the middle of a depressive episode. I cannot see that the many subtle changes become huge change over time.

3) "Be like a tree". In this simile Dr. X. explained to me that there is nothing within the tree that sucks the life sustaining moisture out of the ground and up into every tip of every branch. He said it is the presence of an external pressure that lifts water to each of the trees branches: Evaporation. Evaporation lifts the water out of the ground and up through the tree.

He tells me this so I recognize that we all need external help to keep going sometimes. Modern psychology seems to tell us we should all be able to stand on our own, that the push to succeed, or to become well ,must come from inside ourselves. I don't think this is true. Neither does Dr. X. We are born into society as social animals. We rely on social networks and others to help us do some of the things we do.

In this simile he is helping me recognize that asking for help is not a bad thing, but an ordinary act of an ordinary person. Maybe it means I need a personal trainer to help me get to the gym, or maybe the regular appointments I keep with Dr. X. are there to help keep me on track. Maybe by scheduling myself to do things at a specific time everyday I am provided with enough of an external structure to both get me going and keep me going.

External structure and external support systems, like a set coffee time with a friend, or volunteering responsibilities, or a daily time set aside to meditate, or go for a walk, might be like the evaporation helping the tree. External structure and a small amount of external pressure might help us regain and sustain activity and maintain our growth.

The I Need a Little More Levity Meme

I have been having a rough time...so I am going to try to make myself laugh and/or think happy or silly thoughts and remember strange or bizarre times that made me go "huh? I'm making up my own Meme (Where does that word come from anyways??? I always thought it was an anthropological term for symbols used in cultures...Note to self: must look up).

Please...If you decide to do the meme let me know so I can peek on your blog.
hopefully I wll find out more about a few of my fellow/fella bloggers AND make them laugh along the way...Here I go:

My Levity Meme:

1) What is the strangest thing someone has ever said to you?
I walked out of a really sad pdoc appointment into the sunshine. A man approached me and with the sun behind him I could not see his features, but he looked like those iconic paintings of jesus, with the glow of light around his head. He looked directly at me and said: "God says everything will be allright" and then he disappeared. I started to cry, it felt intensely spiritual.

2) If your friends had to describe you what would they say?
I have a kind heart, but it is easily broken. I laugh easily, but cry easily too. I want so much to love, but am afraid to trust. I care so deeply, yet feel so alone. I am loyal.

3) Name 5 of the stupidest things you have ever done. (This should be easy for me)

1) Run across the ice at a charity Curling event. While doing so clipped the foot holds, managed to catch my balance, but was going so fast I hurdled towards the lane dividers, tripped and broke both my elbows on the ice
2) At University was invited to become an honours student in Sociology and declined. I was more interested in Philosophy. To this day I wonder if I had chosen Sociology would I have gone on to become an academic, something I always wanted?
3) Try on a pair of leather pants in high school. I was really skinny, but not skinny enough, and when I bent down to pick up my shirt my kneecap had nowhere to go but sideways. I tore all the ligaments in my knee...it was agonizing and embarrassing as when I was trying to get an ambulance the store clerk kept yelling that I was not leaving with those pants on (WTF?) I couldn't get my knee back in its socket.
4) When I was a naive 18 I got in a car with a stranger who offered me a ride home from the pub. He was an older man, and seemed trustworthy. He dropped my friend off and then proceeded out of town to the top of the mountain where I lived. In the middle of nowhere he pulled the car over and asked me what I would do if he raped me. I was terrified, but scared the crap out of him when I told him in gruesome details exactly how, if he hurt me, I would ensure he never was able to do that to anyone again.
5) Smoked a joint in high school at noon hour (well maybe more than one), started literally hallucinating in my french class. Went out into the hall and the walls were coming down on me. I slipped and broke my leg really badly when I was freaking out in the bathroom. Note to self: Pot is not good for me...I'm not saying its not okay for others, but I seem to have the opposite reaction than everyone I know)

4) What was the first thing you heard this morning?
This is funny: "Want a lollipop?" (My husband as he rolled over and asked for a ...(well you know). (blush;>)

5) When you were a kid, what was your "ideal" day? Get on my bike early in the morning, take off with my friends for a hike into the forest for a picnic and then go to the swimming pool from 1-4 and swim in the sunshine all day, go home for dinner and then head back to the pool for swim team practice.

6) What was the best concert you ever saw?
"Butthole Surfers", with "Jane's Addiction" as the opening act. I'd never even heard of Jane's Addiction. They were so amazing. The more fun I had, the more I began to drink. The alcohol fueled the wild woman in me (what some pdoc's have told me is manic). I became wild and started making out with the stranger behind me, everything seemed so surreal and perfect. Then I got a beer bottle broken over my head by some rowdy out of control drunk (hey at least I'm into love when I'm drunk)...and I never even noticed I was having such a good time.

7) If you could have decided to be anyone in the world (living or deceased), who would you have choosen to be?
This is hard. I was thinking Ghandi, or the Dali Lama, but more than anything I would want to consistently be ME...but the well me. The me who believes she can do anything. The me who is afraid of nothing, who in fact loves to take risks. The me who loves a challenge and gets excited by new things. The me who loves people and feels loved and cared for by others.

8) Sex? or Chocolate?
How about sex with choclate on top?

9) What is the strangest/most bizarre thing you have ever seen? When I was a kid I had a really wild imagination. I was reading "Amityville Horror" and had just got to the part where the house shuts of all the sounds of all these murders taking place in the house; makes it so no one outside can hear the screams coming from the house.

I went to bed and put the book outside the backdoor (in my mind all horror books had to leave the house at night...don't ask...an OCD thing). I closed my eyes to go to sleep and when I opened them I saw Satan on my ceiling: clear as day.

I began to scream and scream to my mom and dad for help (they were in the bedroom above mine), but as loud as I was screaming, no one came to help me for what seemed like forever. I thought my room had shut my screams out like the house in the book I was reading. Suddenly my Dad appeared and was screaming: "What the hell is going on in here?" Satan disappeared and I've never seen him since.

I was obsessed with God/Satan, Heaven/Hell as a kid and wouldn't sleep most nights because I worried so much about what I had done wrong. My family wasn't very religious, so I am not sure why I was so crazy insane about it...anyways I probably imagined the whole thing, but to his day I vividly remember SEEING Satan...not just imagining him.

10) If you were the first to meet a friendly alien what would you tell them about our planet and its inhabitants?
Run for your lives! You don't have a hope in hell of surviving here. We are all about to destroy ourselves. Maybe come back when we are gone.

Outside the Circle

I went to a big party on Thursday. First, I hate big gatherings. Something about them always send me into a dissociative state. Actually I know exactly what it is about them that sends me both metaphorically, and in my mind, literally, out of the room during these occasions: Social Anxiety.

If you met me one on one, in person, your first reaction would be that I am outgoing and social, you may even find me interesting, because I keep up on day to day issues, am well read, educated, talkative, a good conversationalist, caring, kind and interested in your stories. You would believe I had the ability to talk to anyone, because I am usually really good at projecting that persona and, to tell you the truth, I usually can talk to anyone for brief periods of time.

I say usually, because often I approach a social gathering and I feel like I am not really there. It feels like I am sitting on the outside looking in. At these times, even when I am talking to someone I get the impression that the conversation could be carried on without me, and that others are being dismissive, or rejecting me, or that I am brutally uninteresting and my conversation skills have disappeared.

At the party the other day the whole time I felt like an outsider looking in. Some of it may have been the people at the party, but most of it was me. It was a birthday party for one of our friends, who happens to be one of the wealthiest people in this city. His house is a 13000 (yes thousand) square foot heritage home on an acre and a half lot in the exclusive area of the city. Our friends are beautiful people. They are involved in tons of charitable work and do so much for so many organizations here. I really care for them and when I am at there house for a small dinner party I always enjoy their company.

Thursday was different. The guest list was filled with some of the most elite, powerful and wealthiest people in the city. And there I was, no job, no money and a chronic mental illness; feeling like the prospects for my future were slim. It is not the lack of money that made me feel like an outsider, but the lack of a life that felt worthy of being there.

I tried to make conversations with numerous people, and of course the first question out of people's mouths is always, "what do you do"? I decided before the party that I was going to say I taught art classes, which is sort of true. I do volunteer to do that 3 hours a week.

So a party goer would start talking to me, ask me what I did. I would say I teach drawing classes. They would then ask where. I was stupidly unprepared for this question, but impulsively decided to tell the truth. "I teach art at a clubhouse for people with mental illnesses". I may as well have said I have a mental illness. The conversations became stilted and always ended abruptly.

One person asked me where I taught classes and I told them. They said "oh I do work for the Boys and Girls club in that area. I asked him what kind of work he did for the club. He looked at me like I was out of my mind to not know who he was and haughtily said, "I don't WORK there, I am on the board of Directors". He then promptly turned away from me and began talking to someone else. After sitting there staring at their backs while they exclude me from their conversation I finally got up and left the area. I felt like a pariah.

So I spent the rest of the party sitting by myself, having anxiety attacks and just waiting until it felt like I had put in a reasonable amount of "face" time. At 10:00 I excused myself, thanked the hosts and got in my car. I burst out into tears. All I ever want is to feel accepted for who I am.

I can't tell you how many times at that party I just got up and went and sat in the bathroom to get away from the feeling that I was a complete outsider; to feel some relief from an intense, shameful shyness and sensitivity that was making it impossible to interact. The more scared and alone I felt, the more I began having dissociation and feelings of depersonalization.

I am Blessed

All I have to say today is that I have the best psychiatrist on this whole planet He is absolutely unbelieveably consistently supportive. He is so important to me, and it is clear he cares so much for me. I honestly cannot imagine meeting a pdoc I feel more confident in, trust and care for more than Dr. X. Something cosmicly perfect was in the air the day he and I met. We were meant to be patient and doctor. Our session today was heartbreaking, but soul defining.

A Life Not Worth Living

I don't know about all the medications I am on. I feel like stopping everything and seeing what I'm like for "real". I do not see the medications consistently helping me. I felt a surge of okay to good mood for the first while on Prozac, but for the last couple months my mood has been all over the map...up, down, really down, down even farther and up again.

I would have to say my mood overall (in the last 3-4 months) is better than it was before the Prozac and Valium and Tegretol and Dexedrine, but is It good? No way. It is not good. It is still mostly very, very bad.

I do not think of suicide almost everday like I did before, but I still have days and sometimes more where I think suicide is the only choice. Where I dream about how to do it, how to make my life finally end.

I still feel hopeless much of the time. I am so tired I am finding it almost impossible most days to get going. By that I mean the basics like having a shower, brushing my hair, getting dressed in anything other than sweatpants, leaving the house, painting, doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, do my volunteer work(come on now...it's less than 6 hours a week. How hard can that be? Anything beyond laying in bed, or surfing the internet seems like an impossibly difficult chore.

It is 3:54 and all I have I managed to do today is to get out of bed at 9:00, shower without washing my hair and get dressed at noon, play my guitar for 15 minutes and sit at the computer waiting for 4:00pm when I feel it is a reasonable time to have a nap.

I will nap until 6 or 7pm, not be able to cook dinner, but maybe manage to make myself a fruit/yougurt smoothie, watch t.v. for a couple hours and then feel like it's okay to go to bed and then it will all begin again tomorrow.

This is not a life worth living. This is waiting to die; waiting for it all to be over, waiting for an end to this search and struggle for purpose and meaning in a body that cannot find the will, the power, or the energy to create or develop that purpose and meaning.

In retrospect: Please read this

What if my Depression Is Related to Physical Brain Trauma or Illness?

I am scheduled to undergo a C.A.T. scan of my brain(?) head(?) this Wednesday. I am having some strange problems along with my depression that are worrying me. I am concerned that concussions and head traumas I endured earlier in life may be responsible for both my ongoing, refractory depression and my recent concerns. Here is what I am experiencing:

1) Extreme word retrieval problems. Throughout the day, and almost every time I talk with someone I will go to say something and I cannot find the word or the thing. It is always a simple words I cannot find.

For example, in my session three weeks ago I was describing my learning blues guitar techniques and then how the teacher and I would play together, each listening to the other and making up music that went with the other's playing. There is a word for this. it is simple. As soon as I described it Dr. X. said the word. When I got home it was gone again. After a week of thinking about it it finally came to me a few days ago, and now, for the past 4 days I cannot find the word, even if I try concentrating on the definition for a long period of time. (it is not "accompaniment, or duo, or duet...but something that expresses the making up of the music as you go along...if you think you know the word PLEASE share it with me...it's driving me mad)

2) Confusion/concentration/memory problems.
I feel a sense of being elsewhere (not dissociation) but confused easily by directions, where I am in my car, driving etc. I feel like I cannot stay on task for any length of time, my mind is constantly wandering from thing to thing. I put things down and can't find them a few minutes later. I walk into a room and cannot remember why I am there. I am putting things in strange places. The other day I was looking for the disinfectant wipes I keep on the kitchen counter. I had just used them. I looked everywhere; cupboards, bathroom, other room in the house..then 2 hours later I found them in the fridge of all places.

3) Saying strange things/speaking strangely.
Examples:

• My husband asked me why I wasn't watching T.V. I wanted to say "It's a commercial", instead what came out of my mouth was "It's a nude"...it was disconcerting.
• Then that same day I tried to say something and I started to speak, but it came out as a stutter. I couldn't get it out. I've never stuttered before in my life.
• Then last night I went to say "Turn it down" (the T.V.), but what came out was "make it soft."...which is sort of similar, but not what I meant to say....it's like my brain is shuffling my words.

4) I am tripping and falling and bumping into things much more than usual.

I have fallen and hurt myself 3 times in the past two weeks, before that I almost fell through our front window and about a month and a half ago I fell all the way down my sister's staircase. I am tripping all the time.

On Thursday I told Dr. X about all the head injuries I have had. I am pretty sure I told him before, but he said I hadn't. I have had two confirmed concussions (once at 5 or 6) when I fell from a 12 step stair landing headfirst onto the pavement below, and then at 17 when I was in a really bad car accident.

Over and above that I have had to have stitches due to head injuries twice, once at 16 when I dove into the pool and hit my head on the lifeguard chair's diving ramp and the other when I fell headfirst off my bicycle. I hit my head on the side of the pool in a diving accident. I fell at the pool at the top of the water slide and knocked myself out for a few seconds; I incurred a compression fracture in my spine in that fall, I was bucked of a horse into the hole we had dug to build our new house, again landing head and arm first...and the last one I remember was rollerblading for the first time (and of course being an idiot with no helmet...my feet went straight out from under me and I landed back of head first on the pavement. I ha a massive egg shaped swelling where I landed.

Anyways, I started thinking, what if my depression is caused by an undiagnosed brain injury. Does medication help if it is a brain injury that leads to mood disorders? (I know that can happen because the girl I was in the car accident with had severe mood changes and personality changes following the accident). I also am worried the problems I am having might indicate an illness above and beyond my depression.

My BRAND NEW car!!!

This may appear to have nothing to do with my depression, but it is closely linked to my becoming more resilient. My new car symbolizes an increased desire to live. That may not make sense to anyone, but here's why I say that.

I have needed a new, or at least newer car, since I began seeing Dr. X. more than 6.5 years ago. The car I had was a 1986 car and always having problems. When my mom passed away Dr. X. and I discussed my getting a new/newer car. I refused as spending that amount of money, when I didn't think I was going to live much longer, did not make any sense to me. I did not want to spend money on a car when I could leave it to my husband instead. I did not want to live, and did not see myself in the future. Dr. X. and discussed this numerous times over the past couple years. He understood how symbolic a gesture it would be for me to buy a car.

On top of my not seeing myself existing in the future, I had intense panic and anxiety about going to the dealership, test driving cars, dealing with salesmen etc. Just thinking about trying to do that felt like an impossible task. These fears revolved around my difficulties dealing with men, anyone I saw as an "authority" figure, my fears of embarrassment and a million other fears. I would try to walk onto the car lot and then I would have to leave because I couldn't breathe, or felt like I was going to pass out with fear.

A month and a bit ago my sister came over and she helped me go look at cars and test drive a couple. It was easier with her there. She understood my fear and we had a plan to deal with the salespeople as a team, so I felt safer, protected, supported. I was inching my way towards getting a new car.

To push me a little closer towards a purchase I was about to lose access to the vehicle I was driving. For the past two years I had been borrowing my husband's truck (and he was driving my old car). Each year cars here are tested for carbon emissions; and this year there was absolutely no way my car was not going to pass aircare without expensive repairs to it's exhaust system. My husband wanted his truck back. We live on a farm and the only way to get off the farm is by car, there is no public transportation out here.

So, about three weeks ago, fueled by my fear I was going to get stuck on the farm forever, and the beauty of a pretty okay day (maybe fueled by a tiny bit more valium to calm be down), in terms of mood and anxiety, I called up the dealership and made arrangements to purchase a new car. It was an act towards deciding I was going to stick around for a while; that the car and the money I spent on it was not going to be wasted because I was going to be here to use that car.

Yesterday I bought and picked up my BRAND NEW car...just 3km on it when I drove it off the lot. I have never owned a new car before. I am very excited and I absolutely love it. Yay me!

What Makes me Canadian...and proud of it

New and Improved Version: I fixed the links that weren't working before...enjoy!

Happy Birthday Canada

A number of years ago, back in university and anthropology professor assigned us an essay topic: How do you define what it is to be Canadian? Today being Canada Day ( this year we celebrate our 141st anniversary of Confederation), I thought I'd tell you 100 things that make me love being a Canadian. (this might be very difficult) (okay I only made it to 71 (bit over half of 141), but still pretty good.

1) Neil Young is Canadian...and he rocks! I love Neil Young.
2) I have lived literally from coast to coast...I've lived in Newfoundland and all the way to Vancouver Island...and everywhere in between.
3) I moved to Banff right out of high school. Banff is surrounded by the Canadian Rockies and is the iconic (albeit tourist related) "Canadian Wilderness".
4) I can tell the difference between a deer, a caribou, and elk and a moose.
5) I can tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly and know what to do if I encounter either: Try to slowly back away from both. While doing that talk in a calm smooth voice to the bear. Do not make eye contact. Do not throw your back pack away...it will protect your back/neck/head if you need it. If all else fails play dead and protect your back, neck and head. DO NOT RUN...grizzlies have been clocked doing 50 km/hr...you will not outrun a bear.
Preferable tactic: Do not run into bears. Make lots of noise while hiking, bear bells don't work...and may actually increase your chances of being attacked because the sound makes the bears curious.
6) I know the song formerly known as "the Hockey Night in Canada song" Dun, du, dun, du dah; Dun, du, dun, du dah; dun, du, da, da dada..."etc. (you have to be Canadian to get it)
7) I know what it is like to drive across the prairies, and drive, and drive, and drive ad infinitum.

8) I know the word "Eskimo" is not politically correct...It's "Inuit"
9) I went camping almost every summer as a child. My Dad was a "Dogmaster" with the RCMP, which means he was a police dog handler, and had spent many many hours for years tracking lost people, or people who did not want to be found. He taught us to love and respect the wilderness. These times were some of my happiest.
10) I know that the Europeans called the First Nations People "Indians" because when they landed in Canada they thought they had arrived in India...Duh!
11) I can name all 10 provinces and 3 territories (I actually KNOW we have 3 territories).
12) I have been snowshoeing many, many times as a child.
13) Downhill skiing is a favourite winter pastime for many Canadians...and I'm one of them.
14) I actually understand the rules of Hockey, and the point of the game (I can't say that for any other group sport except maybe water polo)
15) I have participated in that great Canadian coming of age game: "Beer chugging"
16) I know it is pronounced Nefeunland, not NEW FOUND LAND.
17) I know what the Common Wealth is.
18) I love the Queen...even though it is a bunch of pomp and pageantry. I think it's a quaint tradition, and I want to continue participating in that pageantry.
19) Gordon Lightfoot is Canadian...who can beat the iconic "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald as a classic Canadian song. (This video has some great pictures of Canada, its people and the power of the ocean)
20) Joni Mitchell is Canadian. I love Joni Mitchell. I love her song "Big Yellow Taxi" and have been singing it (and can achieve the highs AND lows in the song) and playing it on my guitar for the past few weeks. My Mom used to sing Joni Mitchell's songs to us when we were kids.
22) I know how to survive (and get found) if lost in the woods.
23) Camping is a favourite pass time of mine
24) As is Canoeing
25) I know Canada has more Bald Eagles than the US...Should have been our national symbol
26) Our national symbol is the beaver...almost everyone snickers about that.
27) I have seen the fossils at Drumheller Alberta...a very cool place to visit.
28) Unlike my fellow Ontario countrymen who believe the world revolves around Toronto...I know everyone would rather live in Vancouver...hip, warm, artsy, laid back,tons of beaches, mountains...we have it all.
29) I have seen whirlpools in the ocean big enough to swallow a huge boat.
30) I know what "Skookum" means.
31) I love smoked salmon.
32) I BBQ all year round.
33) I love maple syrup...and use it in everything from salad dressings to marinades and of course on pancakes.
34) I can make a beautiful snow angel.
35) I have seen mosquitoes as big as my hand in Winnipeg, Manitoba (well maybe that's an exaggeration, but they are pretty damn big)
36) I have lived near the Columbia and the Fraser rivers..two of Canada's most famous rivers.
37) I know what the "Great Divide" (or Continental Divide) is. It is a line across Canada where on one side the rivers run towards the Atlantic ocean, and on the other side they run towards the Pacific ocean (no lie)
38) Even though I'm a pacifist, I am proud of our Veterans in World War I and II. My Dad said almost anywhere he went in Europe people spoke fondly of Canadians and their contribution to winning those wars.
39) "Oooh..your Canadian let me help you". Once people in Europe realized I was Canadian and not American..their whole attitude changed; suddenly I became part of the family.
40) I speak "Franglais" a sort of brutalized anglicized version of french. Bonjour Madame parlez-vous English...PLEASE???
41) Despite my difficulties learning French (It is the only course I have ever failed in my entire life...I took it again and passed though). I am glad we have two official languages, and when I've been to Quebec I try really hard to speak French...but I am really bad at it. At least I try.
42) I have built an igloo.
43) I have made and eaten Bannock.
44) I have ice skated on numerous frozen ponds, including one year on the pond on the farm (it is unheard of for it to get cold enough, long enough for that to happen here in Vancouver, but one year it did.
45) I know that what we call a creek in B.C. is actually a "brook" in Newfoundland.
46) I have seen killer whales up close in the wild. They are so beautiful it is indescribable.
47) I love the Vancouver Canucks (even though I'm not a big hockey fan).
48) I know that "football" in Canada is that game where ridiculously huge men bend over a lot and try to do something with a pointed spherical (sort of) shaped ball: A game, the rules of which, only about 100 people in all of Canada understand while the rest pretend to understand.
49) I have been to Magnetic Hill in New Brunswick...it's a road where it seems as though you are going uphill, when really you are going downhill. It has some kind of optical illusion properties so if you park in neutral at the foot of the hill your car actually rolls "uphill".
50) I love lobster
51) I've seen many icebergs off the coast of Newfoundland.
52) I have lived in 5 different Provinces.
53) My father is retired from Canada's iconic police force: the RCMP. He was a member for more than 40 years. Three other family members are , or are retired, from in the RCMP. It is a family tradition
54) I skied in the Canadian Rockies many times as a kid...Jasper, Banff, Lake Louise. Great ski hills.
55) You see nature everywhere, even in the city. I saw a coyote cross 57th and Victoria; a very busy major intersection. He looked like he knew exactly what he was doing too.
56) Blueberries in B.C. are on really tall bushes, where the pickers often need to use step stools to reach the top berries. In Ontario and the Maritimes the blueberry bushes are short and you have to bend over to pick them.
57) In one day I can swim in the ocean, sail, go play golf and drive up to the mountains to go skiing at Whistler/Blackcomb...that's how close this city is to everything.
58) If you like to swim outdoors "Kit's Pool" in Vancouver is the longest pool in Canada...137 Metres, and it is a salt water pool.
59) I actually know the words to our national anthem..." O Canada". A huge number of Canadians have no idea...they changed it in the 1970's and it confused everybody.
60) I know all sorts of names for snow: sleet, slush, powder, crunchy, wet, dry, snowstorm, blizzard...the list goes on.
61) I have been caught in a blizzard before, when I was young, 8 or 9. I thought I was going to die. I couldn't see where I was going and it was minus 40.
62) I lived on a farm in the prairies as a child and we had horses, ducks, chickens, geese (all pets of course). We had to hand carry water down to the barn and it was hell in the wintertime, but I still look back at that period of my life and think it was idyllic.
63) I've shot tin cans off the fence with a rifle when I was a kid (under my Dad's careful supervision of course)
64) Hand guns are illegal in Canada...Hallelujah
65) Speaking of which...k.d.lang is Canadian. Her version of "Hallelujah" is awe inspiring.
66) and on that note: Leonard Cohen (who wrote "Hallelujah") is Canadian too. His poetry and his music is haunting. This you tube video of "Suzanne" has subtitles (dutch maybe?)
67) Robertson Davies was Canadian. His book "The Deptford Trilogy" , made up of three books (Fifth Business, The Manticore and World of Wonders), it is a marvel of a book.
68) Margaret Atwood is another great Canadian Writer.
69) as is Rohinton Mistry (while born in Mumbai, India, he immigrated to Canada in 1975). His book: "A Fine Balance" is one of the best books I have ever read.
70) In Canada we have a public medical system. This means we all have access to the health system. While all you ever hear is the negative news about public health care, I have always had the best care and feel blessed to live in a country that cares for its citizens in this way.
71) and finally...I love that Canada has adopted a multicultural approach to its people and its new immigrants and not a melting pot approach. Existing and new Canadians are encouraged to keep there beliefs, and practice their cultural traditions as opposed to being pushed to assimilate into becoming a typical "Canadian". That is the great thing...there is no such thing as a typical Canadian. This is what makes this country so interesting and continually fascinating.


We all came from different places, different backgrounds; some like our first nations people have lived here for centuries, and some of us may have entered this country today. We are a great and fantastically interesting mix of cultures, religions, and peoples who hold one thing dear to our hearts, our freedom and our democracy...and if you ever watched the Canadian parlimentary channel...you know how much they fight to ensure democracy sticks around.

I love being a Canadian.

(oh yeah...and # 72..."Canadian Girls Kick Ass"

Recurring Nightmare

My latest painting. I have no title yet. It represents a nightmare I have over and over again, where I am being chased through the woods and some kind of post apocolyptic landscape full of broken down buildings and homes, tons of rubble and cement everywhere.

I run, and I run all the while screaming help me, help me! My husband and Dad stand off at the side and watch. No one tries to help me.

Finally, in desperation I climb up onto a big peice of cement to try to save myself, but I fall. The wolf is snarling and on top of me. He is foaming at the mouth and he is about to bite my head or neck and I always wake up at this point absolutely terrified.

When I wake I can't tell if it was a dream, or real. Usually I have to go to the bathroom upon waking, but I am too scared to get out of bed. It usually takes me a couple minutes or more before I calm down, realize it is a dream and am able to climb out of bed.

Getting Rid of Those Labels

Over at the Shrink Rap Blog Dinah has written a very interesting post called "True Emotions".In the post she describes a patient:

"...the patient was floridly manic. I don't remember the details, what I do remember was that she was running on empty, high as a kite, going 99 revolutions per minute, you name the cliche. There was a reason why she was on an inpatient unit and not being seen by an out patient doc. She wasn't getting better and, as is often the case with people suffering from mania, she had no insight that she was ill, she was feeling good-- really good-- and oh so energetic, and even louder than that, and so what's the problem here?

...I'm trying to reason with her, and finally, she screams at me in a way that stays clear long after her name and the details of her life have oozed from my memory, "You're problem is you're not Italian! You don't understand TRUE EMOTION!!" She had a point."

The post is really important for me and probably for other people who are receiving psychiatric treatment. When I read Dinah's post I felt so understood, like I do with my pdoc, but not like I do around other health professionals, or my family, especially my husband. I do it myself too: Dissect every tiny mood change like I'm going to go crazy either too high, or too low. It's hard to get better when I'm constantly worried about "how I AM".

When I read Dinah's post it reminded me of a situation I was part of a number of years ago. I commented the following below Dinah's blog, and I should remember this anytime I worry I might become manic...

" What a great post. Two other pdocs have given me the label "bipolar", but the one I see every week says I have MDD and a hyperthymic temperament. This I believe, but I can't help but worry every time my mood skyrockets. I am so scared I am going to go manic.

Even before someone tried to label me my friends would make fun of the hyper energy I have when I am well; my million ideas, my rapid speech, how loud I get (very loud...because I get so excited with all the ideas), how excited I get, how wild I get.

I almost bought into the labels until I went to my Great Uncle's funeral and met my Grandma's side of the family...every single one of them was like that...So "On" it was absolutely amazing. It was like being in a room with twenty people just like the well me.

We weren't Italian, and certainly, statistically, we cannot all have been manic at the same time: we just are a family of people whose personalities are exuberant, jovial, high, full of ideas, like to do a million projects at once, can fly from one idea to another and understand the connections between all these ideas with ease. Maybe everyone else was just "slow?"

The experience of being surrounded by so many people just like me was breathtaking and eye opening. I recently had the pleasure of meeting three more members from that side of the family; people I had never met before.

At a family wedding this little old lady came up to me and said, you must be "B's" daughter. I just had to meet you (she's talking really loud, and is exuberant, and excited, and very, very talkative). We have to stick together us "Family name".

No one is like us, listen to the din, the room, listen to how loud everyone is, they are excited and energized. We've always been this way. You stay here I have to grab "M" and "R" They are going to fall over when they meet you. They are just like us...and with that this 85-90 year old lady ran off to look for my new found relatives.

They all showed up, along with my uncle, my cousin, and my second cousin. The din was unimaginable. Everyone talking really loud, everyone butting into everyone else's conversations. Ideas flowing like rain pours in a monsoon, and all of us are keeping up with all the conversations. Never a pause to catch our thoughts or to let someone else speak.

Then suddenly we all went silent, looked at each other and burst out laughing. We are all just like Grandma was...it is too bizarre: Loud talkers, so excited about the world and all the things in it, a bit pushy, speaking a mile a minute, and no patience for people on the outside who don't get what is going on.

Almost the entire side of my paternal Grandma's clan have hyperthymic temperaments. When "on" we are more than on, when happy, we are beyond happy. I think that is why I have such a hard time with my depression...because when I am well I feel like I am completely in control of my life, I absolutely love being alive and I think this world is the most amazing place in which to exist. To lose that to depression is beyond devastating.

Stream of Consciousness

Jazz over at "In Pieces" has a great blog where she provides us with a writing prompt each day. Today I was stuck for something to say and her prompt sounds like an interesting exercise:

"Writing Prompt: Set aside twenty minutes or so and do a brain dump. Just write whatever is on your mind no matter how mundane or boring. Even if you have nothing to say, write that. The trick is to just keep your hand moving the pen across the page for twenty minutes. When you have finished, sit in silence for a few moments and ask yourself how you feel. Do you feel more collected? Less scattered? Consider whether or not a morning brain-dump might be a helpful thing to add to your arsenal of wellness tools."

Here goes:

I am really worried about Dr. X. His office called to say he was away sick this week. He is never away, for any reason. He hasn't seemed well the past couple weeks, in fact the past couple months he's seemed a bit distracted. Now I am really worried. Worried he is sick like my Mom was sick. What if he were. I couldn't bear to lose him. How would I deal with that? I know my mind is taking me down that negative road, and for all I know he could just have the flu, but it seems like he has been worried about something lately. I even brought up my attachment to him, and how much he means to me in our sessions a couple times, because I felt something was wrong.

My mood is dropping again. Part of it is that worry about Dr. X and his well being, and part of it is the letter from my insurance company. I now feel like I am being watched (once again). At the bottom of the request for detailed minitue (sp?) of my day and any work or volunteer work I do they are making me sign the form saying I understand all my statements will be investigated and that they will contact the people I volunteer for etc. They don't get it. The more they put the fear of being spied on into me, the more I believe i am being watched, and the more I am afraid to do anything that might indicate to the non-psychiatrist eye that I am well and ready to return to work.

I am one of those people who is able to put a face on when I have to, so the studio I volunteer at, and even when i was working, my workmates and bosses, never had any idea I was sick. I can hide behind a type of false boisterousness for short periods of time, but the price I pay is exhaustion and an intense need to be alone. I believe I am working really hard at getting well, but I know I am no where near well. I need more "safe" time more time to slowly build my stamina. 5-6 hours a week volunteering in a supportive environment, where I can call in sick anytime I need to, where I have complete backup, in no way resembles a fast paced and highly stressful workplace where I am in fear of losing my job all the time.

Last week I wanted to commit suicide so badly. It isn't even that I feel as bad as I did before. I just feel like I will never get WELL...the capitals are intentional and represent the well that is me when I feel empowered, completely not depressed, powerful and excited about life, social and extremely outgoing.

All I want now, even though I feel better than I did, is to hide away at home, not answer the door, keep the curtains closed (so no one can watch me).. I have the means and opportunity to commit suicide. Last week I didn't because all my nieces have birthdays in these two/three weeks. I do not in any way want my death associated with such joyous occasions. I just want to go, and i feel like the time is getting closer and closer.

I wish my family could understand that my going would be a blessing. My pain would end. I do not know if they understand how painful it is to feel depressed all the time. Even I did not "get" what depression really could become until these last 6-7 years. Before I was depressed, but nothing I went through came even close to the length and intensity of this major depressive episode.

I have to teach today. I feel stressed out and angry that i have made that commitment. All I want to do is crawl into bed and stay there. Hide form the world, hide from myself, avoid life...this in itself is a "little death". Maybe if I do this long enough I will disappear.

20 minutes is harder than I thought. I don't know if any of you get what I mean when I see death as an intense relief. I think anyone who has not been depressed has a difficult time getting it. Even my pdoc. I think he gets it on an intellectual level, but I think he believes the desire to die will end with the relief of symptoms. I don't think that is true for me, because for me...I KNOW the symptoms will return, They never go away for ever, and every time they return they are worse. What kind of existence is that. I wish we were allowed to be put to sleep. My biggest fear is surviving suicide. I am so afraid I will miscalculate my plan and end up both severely depressed and lose my brain, or be completely physically trapped in a body that won't work. I would choose euthanasia if it were available.

I still have one more minute. I guess there is an upside to my depression. I met my pdoc and he has enhanced the life I have. I also met lots of people online who have also enhanced my life. I am grateful for that. Thanks for listening.
(20 minutes are up)

I feel exhausted. This might not be a good idea for me when depressed. It was why I stopped writing in my journals...I became too negative and focused on my depression. When well I can see how it might help me get ideas out on paper. Thanks Jazz for the idea.

Meme from HBW (James)

A meme I got from James at Letters from the Sanitarium blog: (I kind of like some memes):

What kind of monster would you be? The funny. friendly kind, that hides under the bed and strikes up conversations with the kids, helps them with their homework, plays goofy games with them, helps them get through the difficulties of childhood, answers all the kids tough questions and then disappears as soon as an adult comes into the room

Do you have a crush on a celebrity of the same sex and if so who? Cate Blanchett...she is really hot mostly because of her intelligence and talent (she's also beautiful in a different sort of way).

What do you collect--if anything? Vases and bras...I live on a flower farm and I love bras; a girl can never have too many vases or too many bras. (maybe the bra thing is a fetish)

Do you have a favorite artist? (Painter. You can name more than one): Egon Schiele, Tom Thompson, Emily Carr, Van Gogh, Diego Valazquez and Dante Gabriel Rossetti.

Do you have a habit and if so what? I hate to say it, but like James I swear like a sailor sometimes (but I can be the perfect lady when I want/need to be), I say "like" far too often...it annoys me so much, but I cannot kick the habit.

Overall, do you prefer the city or being near nature and the outdoors? I like being in the country near the city (how's that for a flip flop answer?) I like the serenity and solitude in the country, but I love the accessibility to culture in the city...art galleries, plays, the symphony etc. I hate all the crowds and traffic though)

If you couldn't live in your current country then what country would be choose to live in? Denmark (I heard on the news the other day it is the happiest country in the world, they have a great social safety net, university is paid for by the country, people are encouraged to do what they love for work, and many people change jobs many times until they find the right one and the state helps people find the job they like, six weeks holidays minimum a year, and people do not struggle to make ends meet because they always have help if they need it)

Would you like to be famous? No...I get too stressed out all the time already. I could not manage the pressure, or the lifestyle.

Are you punctual or always late? Mostly I am early...I am obsessed with time and believe people who are always late think there time is more important than mine. (of course I am late once in a while, and then I get super stressed out about being late)

Where do you find the most peace? In the chair across from my pdoc in his office, in any swimming pool when it is quiet. I feel most at home in the water.

What three foreign languages would you like to learn most (you can choose one or two if you prefer)? French, Spanish, Latin

Would you travel into space if you had the chance? Absolutely!

Speaking of all these questions, what is the question that you hate the most? Why aren't you better yet?

"Ripe"

My latest painting is based on this photo I took of an iris in my garden:

Here is my Painting:

(The painting is actually more purple than blue, not sure why the photo of it looks so blue...maybe blue is my destiny:>(

Hell Disguised as a Blessing

There is something to the Bible's old testament story of the beguiling snake coaxing Eve to eat the from the fruit of the tree of knowledge in spite of her love for her freedom in the garden of Eden.

I feel like Eve after she has eaten the apple whenever I receive a letter or inquiry from my disability insurance company; Naked, overexposed and afraid I will be cut off from receiving support while I try to get better.

My mood has dropped immensely over the past two weeks. I cried on my way to my appointment today. I cried much of my appointment today, and most of the way home.

To top off a bad morning, when I got home, I found a letter in my mailbox from my insurance company wanting to know EXACTLY how I was, WHAT I had been doing and for how long, what I as able to do, who I see, if I am volunteering or working, at what and for how long, what I participate in, and sign the note at the bottom saying we can have access to all your doctors notes, thank you very much (my paraphrasing of the received letter).

This letter put the fear of God into me (only God is spelled "losing money to support myself before I am well enough to do so on my own").

How do I fill this form in? I am so conflicted because my mood is so unpredictable. If you had asked me 3 or 4 weeks ago I would have been positive I was getting better, last week not so sure and this week, back to square one.

I volunteer 5-6 hours a week (2.5-3) I teach beginner's drawing, the other I show up on a specified day and help people in the painting studio if they need help (often I just show up and do my own art and no one needs my helps, but I am there if they need me.

So I struggle. I think to myself, "well, if I can teach an art class, why can't I go back and teach a banking class? what's the difference? And I am really afraid that is how the insurance company thinks?

The problem is at the Art Clubhouse I put my best face forward (just like I did at work) and I am professional and outgoing, and reliable...no matter how I feel inside, because I feel that way is my responsibility. At work I never let my illness impact my work until the end when I was so sick I couldn't do anything but stare at my computer screen. Even then, because I was so reliable for so long, my boss never even noticed me crashing and burning.

What the Occupational Therapists and staff at the Art Clubhouse don't see is that spend all morning trying to get to the studio by 1:00pm and when I leave and get home at 4pm I am so exhausted I sleep until 6 and sometimes 7 or 7:30pm. I do this everyday, even if I've done nothing all day. I feel so exhausted I feel sick.

I cannot manage to clean my house. I have not been cooking anything other than pre-made dinners, or smoothies, or eating cereal except maybe once a week or even less, when I somehow find the energy to make dinner. Even when my mood was really good I could not get these things done.

I am worried that the insurance people will translate my being able to volunteer 5-6 hrs a week, and take a guitar class, and paint sometimes as a sign that I am well enough to return to work. I know I am not. I know I can only do those things at the studio because of the type of supportive and safe setting it is. I know I can only manage that volunteering because I know that when I get sick (which I always do) I have the option of backing off on any commitments.

Anyways, I feel sick about having to fill out this form. I don't even know where to begin when some days I soar, and others I want to stay in bed all day. This past two weeks I am nosediving into the latter scenario.

I wish I had not accepted the fruit from the poisonous tree. It ties me down, frightens me, limits my ability to try new things and makes me feel like I am doing something wrong by volunteering, makes me feel guilty for accepting money while I am not working. I am constantly worried I will lose my insurance before I become well enough to work again and take care of myself.

I wish I had been able to quit my job when I became ill. I wish I had not needed to rely on a bureaucratic organization, one that scares the crap out of me, to survive.

Clarification About my Recent Benzodiazepines Post

I received interesting comments from my last post (thanks everyone who responded to it). I think though that I may need to clarify what the post was about.

It was not about my difficulty coming off Valium, or my dependence on Valium, or any kind of desire to come off psychiatric medications. Rather, it was about the stigma I feel and the corresponding pressure I feel about being on medications that some people feel are too addictive and dependency creating to, as a pdoc, prescribe or, as a psychiatric patient, take.

It was also about the struggle I have in therapy to be independent and autonomous, yet needing to have my pdoc say; that may not be a good idea when that needs to be clear. Dr. X's supports our having an ongoing, autonomous Dr/patient relationship. I need that. I have many, many problems with autonomy, and independence and dependence; especially where men are concerned and even more so if that man is perceived as an authority figure by me.

I stated in my last post: "So, in keeping with not wanting to be addicted, and not wanting to be a drug seeker, also, because I was afraid the Valium was masking my possible TD mouth movements, three weeks ago I decided I should try to get off Valium."

Dr. X. never once has said I was addicted, or a drug seeker, nor has he ever even hinted at it. He has explained that taking these medications is like borrowing money from the bank; there is always a price to pay.

That price being dependency if I continue taking them, which may result in my needing more medication for the anxiety as time goes on. At which point there has to be a balance between our increasing the dosage to help my anxiety remain stable, and our looking at the side effects an increase in dosage might bring (i.e. memory problems, balance problems, attention or concentration problems etc.), and withdrawal effects should I decide to stop taking Valium.

It is me who feels the guilt and stigma of taking "momma's little helper". The fact that that term even exists speaks volume to how many people look at these medications with derision.

However, what if it really is "my little helper". What if ,taking it with my mood stabilizer and my antidepressant, it actually wards off my anxious depression? What if I can function better when I take it? What if this combination makes my life better.

Am I still addicted if I need a benzodiazepine just like I need an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer? I do believe I need medication, so why do I feel no stigma about needing Tegretol and Prozac, yet so much pressure to stop taking Valium?

Dr. X never told me to stop the Valium, in fact he subtly (maybe too subtly) questioned my reasons for wanting to go off and in his quiet, and unobtrusive way suggested staying on might be better for me.

So my post was not about me or him wanting me to stop taking the Valium, rather it was about the impetus behind my wanting to stop taking Valium: My feeling like I was a bad person for taking it.