What I have Enjoyed in my Life: Meme

I got this meme from Jame's blog @ "Letters from the Sanitarium". Thought it might show me as more of a 3-dimensional character:

Thanks James....this was good for me...to think of the things I can do, can accomplish and enjoy.

Four Jobs I Have Had or Currently Have in My Life:

1) Currently Volunteering as an Art Instructor/Mentor: At an Art Studio that is a rehabilitation clubhouse for people who have severe and persistent mental illnesses (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, major depression). I have co-taught printmaking classes and helped with teaching an older adults pottery class (handbuilding). I am about to start co-teaching a beginner's drawing class and just finished the 8th of 10 lesson plans yesterday. I love this place and am a member there as well...so get to use the space to do my art and attend classes.

2). Just finished volunteering at my city's Shakespeare festival...I worked in the concession last year and was a bartender this year. I had to quit because of my symptoms this year, but hopefully can go back next year.

3). "Facilitation and Development Specialist"...at a HUGE, massive, gigantic corporation. I developed training material and classes, as well I facilitated workshops for managers. Before that I had been a trainer in the organization for years. This job took me down. It was so high stress and involved travelling across the country to deliver workshops. I left this job and went on disability. Ironically, the last day I worked was the day I completed and did my first workshop around ensuring the organization creates a workplace that is open and accessible to people with disabilities. They speak the speak...but when it came to walking the walk...What a joke. I saw so many people with mental illness treated so poorly...it was sad. Glad I left.

4). Bartender, hostess, waitress at a busy restaurant. Did this throughout University and I loved it. The place was fun, always busy and relaxed. The people I worked with were amazing. The restaurant might as well have been a bar on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. It was one of the busiest places in the city and I just loved working there. Kind of weird because now something like that would terrify me.

Four Countries I Have Been to:

1) British Virgin Islands: My husband and I rented a 34 foot motorboat with another couple and cruised around the islands for 2 weeks. Can you say BLISS. It was the best vacation I ever had. I spent most of my time in the water. As you may have gathered from my name I am a waterbaby. The second I touch the water I am free.

2) England (London): Visited my best friend for 10 days. I love this city...Even after 10 days I did not even scratch the surface of what is available to experience there. I was blown away by the National Gallery and the Tate Gallery. Also, their underground is amazing and easy to figure out. They have the simplest maps of the city at the underground...they fit in your back pocket. Truly a city geared to tourists.

3) France (Paris): Did the whirlwind one day walking tour. It was so incredibly beautiful. I have never seen anything so gorgeous. It was a beautiful spring day and we walked all over and ended up in the park that encompasses the Louvre. The day was exhausting...but worth it. I want to go back for a longer period of time.

4) USA (Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Utah, Idaho, Montana, Arizona, New Mexico): Took many different trips. Camping down the Oregon/California coast, to San Francisco when I was 22...loved it!!, to the Grand Canyon a few years back...unbelievably gorgeous...especially the North end (I think...the undeveloped end anyways...stunning). I always had a great time in the US but, I'm scared to go to the states now because I'm afraid to cross the border. It freaks me out how much power those uneducated people have. They have more power than the police...scary. Not that I'd do anything illegal, but I get scared nonetheless.


Four Places I'd Rather be Right Now:

1). Canoeing and Camping on Sakana Lake...I go there in my head when I get really stressed out.

2). London, England...I love that place

3). Tofino, B.C....I got married on the beach there and it is beautiful...the huge wave, the sound of the ocean, the seclusion....ahhhhhh!

4). My pdocs office. The second I get there I feel safe. About 10 minutes into my sessions I usually become extremely calm. He soothes my soul.


Four Foods I Like to Eat:

1). Chinese... especially Schezuan

2). Japanese...sushi...yum

3). Indian

4) Mexican

Four Personal Heroes-past or present:

1) My Mom...she was all about being caring and compassionate. I don't think I ever heard her say a bad word about anyone. She had this incredible ability to see from other's perspectives. I loved her more than anyone on earth.

2). Jesus...the man...I'm not religious at all, but when you read about Jesus in the new testament it is amazing to see a man so accepting of everyone. This is where it makes me sick that Conservative Christians twist his words and deeds into hatefulness for people who are different from them. Jesus the man accepted all and was kind, compassionate and good to all. I think (if he existed) he was a great role model. Even if he's made up, he's still a great role model.

3) Mahatma Gandhi: Peaceful Resistance...need I say more.

4) Buddha: Any being who helps others survive their suffering is a great being in my books. I am struck by how much Buddhism is like western psychology...interesting.

Four Books I have Read or Are Currently Reading:

1). A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry...If you want to smell, see, feel what it is like to be lower caste and struggling to survive in India...this book will take you there. Beautifully written.
2) Heavier Than Heaven: A Biography of Kurt Cobain....This man suffered...The book is well written and will make you think twice about the benefits of fame.
3) Existential Psychotherapy, by Irvin Yalom...This book got me to finally leave work and helps me take responsibility and move forward in spite of my mental illness. He writes fiction too that makes some of his theories more accessible (read: "When Nietzsche Wept"...It will make you take charge or "Lying on the Couch"...a play on words...the book is a really fun and sometimes disturbingly honest look at psychiatry).
4) The Heart of Buddha's Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace Joy and Liberation, by Thich Nhat Hanh...an easy to read, easy to understand introduction to Buddha's philosophy. I was awestruck both by the author's writing and by Buddha's teachings. I love the way Thich Nhat Hanh views the world. It makes you want to survive your suffering.

Is it me? You know that hypomanic charisma...

I'm not sure what's happening, but today two separate men at the studio where I volunteer and do my art at started talking to me about how I "have a sexy figure", how "hot" I looked in the clothes I was wearing....jeans and a t-shirt...go figure.

While it is nice to be noticed, I feel really uncomfortable with their comments. The Studio I go to is a place for people with mental illnesses to go and do their art in a safe and comfortable place. It is bringing up issues I have had previously. Issues that almost cost me my marriage.

A few years ago I was in group therapy and one of the men was coming on to me in a big way. I guess because I was having marriage troubles, and because I hadn't had that kind of attention in a long time, I played along with the flirting. I thought it was harmless and had no intention of acting on the flirting. Then it got totally out of hand and the person threatened to commit suicide if I didn't see them. My pdoc recommended I completely cut contact with the person for my own safety and well-being. I did, but not before my husband caught wind of what was going on and went ballistic.

Now I try to be more clear about my intentions and boundaries, but one of the people today seems to want to push the subject. I have made it clear that I'm married. As well, I do not think I am acting flirty or anything to attract this kind of attention.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I just want them to stop saying those things to me because it makes me feel a bit scared of going to the studio and I don't want it to stop me from going.

I'm not sure how to deal with it because one of the people has confided in me that he says things sometimes, pushes the limits in a conversation and then feels intensely bad about it afterwards. I do not want to make him feel bad. I just want him to understand that I am not comfortable with the way he talks to me. What do I say?

If he says something again I was thinking maybe I could say, "because I am married, I feel uncomfortable with that kind of comment from another man"...but then I may hurt his feelings as he might feel like he has done a bad thing. I think if he says something again I will just jokingly say...hey, that kind of talk makes me uncomfortable...please stop it...or I'll have to beat you up...ha, ha!!"....or something "funny...so he gets the point, but saves face.

What is Happening to Me?

I don't understand what is happening to me right now. I haven't slept more than 2 hrs straight and and average of 3-5 hours total a night. I have more energy, but it is BAD energy. I am feeling so much anxiety that today I began panicking at the laundromat. I couldn't breathe and I began feeling like my body was swirling and I was going to faint and then I just felt dissociative...like I was outside myself, or covered in foam or something was between me and reality.

I went on a trip to a dude ranch/spa last week. I did lots of things that should have been relaxing and fun; horseback rides, hayrides, ATVing, massages, facials, body wraps, swimming...all things I would usually enjoy and find relaxing. I went with my sister and her kids who I always love to be with. This time it was different though. I did not feel anything good at all.

I could not feel any of the enjoyment...all I felt was intense anxiety and bad energy surging through me. I felt disconnected from every thing I did and everyone I did it with. I enjoyed nothing. I was so anxious the whole time I couldn't sleep. If I did manage to fall asleep it was for an hour here and there. I would wake up having anxiety attacks all through the night.

I can't take much more of this. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have tried every medication out there...like all has attempts to become well have failed and there is nothing that will help me. I feel helpless, hopeless and lost.

My husband is after me for not enjoying anything anymore. I tried to explain that is a symptom of my depression and anxiety...the joy disappears from life. He keeps talking to me like I'm choosing to be this way. Get a job and you will feel better, he says. He just doesn't get that I am ill and if I felt like I could manage a job, I would be the first one to go get one, but I can barely manage to get out f bed, or do the dishes, or the housework. How can I get a job when all I want is to die?

I am trapped. All I want is to die, but I cannot hurt my sisters by allowing myself to die, so I stay for them. I am trapped in this hell forever. God I hate this existence...please just let me die.

Can the Dead Talk to You?

I just came back from taking my dog for a walk in the flower field. Any elation in my mood has disappeared and is quickly being usurped by my anxiety and my depression. As I was walking I started thinking about suicide again...visualizing myself jumping off the city's highest bridge ...that would give me something to be anxious about....as I see myself hit the cement like water and break into a thousand pieces. I already feel that way. Broken into a thousand pieces.

...And then I look up, and in front of me, at the end of a row of dahlias, is a lone "Shoo Fly" plant.

My mom and I went to a "Seedy Saturday" a number of years ago, and she found seeds for this plant. In her loving care they ripened and sowed their progeny everywhere in her garden. She was delighted and told me I needed some in my garden, as she, in her giddy, funny way sung:

"Shoo fly don't bother me,
Shoo fly don't bother me,
Shoo fly don't bother me,
'cause I belong to somebody..."

I took some seeds for the next year and delighted in them popping up in my own garden as they had in hers. Eventually, they disappeared, stopped sowing themselves and I have not seen any anywhere in the garden for years.

My Mom died a little more than a year and a half ago. I can barely write those words. She was too lively, too caring and compassionate, too needed by all of us who loved her...to die so young and too soon. She had three months to prepare herself and her family for her death. One of the things she said to us before she died was, "I will see you in the moon, the stars and the sun". It was a powerful image that left me with the impression she would always be around in one form or the other.

Recently, I was laying in bed at 2:40 a.m. still wide awake, hardly able to breathe I was so anxious and agitated. I tried to make the anxiety stop, but it held my chest in a vice grip, suffocating me. I wanted to die.

I started imagining myself stabbing my chest over and over with a huge knife until finally my chest deflated and the anxiety dissipated. I think thoughts of suicide calm my anxiety sometimes. I see this in the thoughts I have of slitting my wrists and watching all the sadness pour out of me.

I got out of bed and stepped outside. What should be the first thing I see, but a huge full moon. I could feel Mom passing me a message of hope. I went back to bed and thought about it...scoffed at the idea but, finally, fell asleep.

I woke again at 5:40...thinking what a dumb belief. Mom's dead, she's gone...god why couldn't it have been me. I have no life and nothing to live for. She was needed and wanted and her life was priceless to our family. I wish it had been me. I would give anything to have her return.

The sun had just started to come up and the sky was that dusky shade of twilight blue. There, framed between the fog encased blueberry bushes and the the wide open sky, sat the full moon, huge as it began setting into the horizon. The image, and my belief Mom was trying to be there for me again, was haunting.

This afternoon as I walked through the flower field I came upon that row of blood red dahlias; and at the very end of that row, reaching out to touch me as I passed, was that lone "Shoo Fly" plant. None had been planted in the cutting field, and none had been in my private garden for years. I felt Mom brush up against me as I walked by...and I swear I heard, "...cause I belong to somebody".

My Senate Hearing on Guilt

This past week I have been really thinking about how to rid myself of the guilt I feel for not working and relying on disability payments from my work to take care of myself. I have been off work for more than 4 years now due to my depression and it's symptoms. I swear everyday I feel bad about not working, about not getting better so I can get back to work, about collecting money for doing nothing, for being a drain on society in this way.

So in my session today I tried to get rid of this obsessive guilt once and for all...but the guilt is so huge...it is unreasonable to assume getting rid of it that easily is possible.

However, my pdoc used a good metaphor for working through this problem. He said there were varying opinions in my "senate" about the best way to deal my guilt and the factors contributing to my guilt. So we spoke of having a hearing and giving voice to all those opinions so I can see everything clearly defined and then vote.

Factors contributing to my guilt:

1. I have a strong work ethic and I want to work. In fact I have never not worked since I was 15. When I am well I love working and feel good about contributing.
2. While I can see other people on disability because of similar symptoms and accept that it is okay, and in fact beneficial, for them to not have the pressure of working while they are trying to recover or become well; I think I should be able to work despite my illness. (Don't ask...even I don't understand how/why I can feel this way).
3. I know that it took 2 years of coaxing and coaching from my pdoc in order for me to feel I could leave work to take care of myself. I also know that when I finally got the courage to leave work to save myself, I was the closest I have ever come to committing suicide. Still, there is a part of me that thinks it was just too convenient that I was able to leave a high stress job that was killing me and still be receiving money.
4. I have a very black and white view of what is considered work..."being off disability, and making enough money to take care of myself" ...volunteer work is not work...I need to make enough money to feel safe.
5. I know, that even if I become well enough to work again, I will never be able to return to my employer's workplace. The work and the company is just too stressful and competitive for me to stay and remain well while working there.
6. Although I enjoyed the teaching aspects of the job, I felt a complete and total disconnect with the moral structure of the organization. Everyday I went to work I felt like I was doing and being the opposite of who I believe I am. This destroyed me. I require a job that is meaningful, purposeful and fundamentally in line with my belief systems.
7. If I know I cannot go back, then I should resign. If I do not resign, I am not telling the whole truth and am receiving money under the pretense that I will go back to work when well.
8. I worry I am not getting well because of this existential nightmare...Maybe because I hated my job, I got sick because of that, and I remain sick because I am afraid I will be forced to return to the job I hated.

If I feel so guilty...why not quit my job and discontinue my disability payments?:

1. I worry that I will quit to relieve my exitstential angst and guilt...and it won't help. I'll still be sick and in an even more stressfull situation...(i.e. sick, unable to work, and have no income). I honestly cannot handle getting more sick than I already am.
2. My symptoms are as bad as when I left work...intense anxiety, suicidal ideation, mood cycling up and down, fatigue, lethargy, amotivation, irritability, agitation, difficulty concentrating/focusing, memory problems (ECT related? depression related? and/or often medication side effect related....remember Epival? Benzodiazepines?), poor sleep.
3. So far my depression and its symptoms have remained treatment resistant to all therapies and medications... and I've tried tons...Antidepressants (SSRI's, SNRI's, Novel Anti-d's, Trycyclics), Mood Stabilizers Anticonvulsants, Antipsychotics, sleep medication, Benzodiazepines, and stimulants, weekly/or twice weekly therapy, hospital stay, ECT, outpatient day program, group therapy...etc., etc.
4. If I am still sick, but I am continuing to try to get well, but nothing is working...is that my fault?
5. Isn't the disability insurance there to protect me when I am ill and unable to work?
6. What if I never get well, or it takes years more to get well...I need to eat and pay for my rent. If I just give up disability and do not become well enough to work I will run out of money and end up mentally ill and living on the street.
7. I am trying...so why do I feel bad about feeling too sick to work?
8. My pdoc, although he said it would be a powerful decision for me to make, said it would be rash to call up the insurance company and cancel my insurance given the symptoms that made me leave work are still with me.

What are my options?

1. Resign from my job, lose my benefits and my disability insurance...I think this would be the dumbest move. It may relieve the guilt, but I can see it would increase my anxiety about not being able to care for myself, and my frustration with not getting well/ or even better, in a timely manner. I think overall, this would destabilize my mood even more.
2. Return to work while still in a MDE and unstable...I would kill myself.
3. Continue on disability leave until my pdoc/ or my self decides I am well enough to return to work, and then resign and look for another job. Note: If I choose this option...I have to know I will be able to do it "guilt-free" and accept I am sick, this illness is disabling, I have disability insurance for this very purpose. Accept that.
4. Phone the insurance company and tell them I will not be able to return to my workplace regardless of my health and ask if their is any provision for retraining into another occupation. (maybe Dr. X. would help me call, or meet with an insurance representative?). Note: If I choose this option I still have to be well enough to learn another occupation. I have been practising with my volunteer work, but even with the work I love to do I have been plagued with symptoms. Also, the stress of making commitments and then being unsure if I will be able to follow through is overwhelming.

Hypomania? Benzodiazepine Withdrawal? or Just a Messed Up Personality?

I did not sleep again last night. I went to bed at 10:00pm and tried . At 11:30 I was still wide awake, tons of energy buzzing through me. Then the rest of the night I would fall asleep for 1/2 hr to 1.5 hrs and each awakening couldn't get back to sleep for 1 hr or more.

By 5:30am I was freaking out about not sleeping, but fell asleep for 45 mins sometime after 7am and then was wide awake and, once again, full of energy, albeit extremely anxious energy.

I feel this drill seargent inside me....go, go, go!!! I am flitting from task to task, rushing, pushing myself to go faster. I walk the dog, try to read the paper to relax, can't focus on any one story so I skim and get no relaxation and no information, check my e-mail, write a this quick, but very long (is "pressure to speak" through writing viewed as pressure of speech???), blog and get out and garden. I am high, irritable, anxious and untrusting all at the same time

As I was walking the dog I started to think of my last therapy session. Thinking of how Dr. X., asked me if I thought I was hypomanic, but he didn't allow the energy I have right now to be seen as something negative. "Use this energy to push ahead", he said. I like that he does not pathologize everything.

I have mixed feelings about one thing though. When I gave up my hoarded meds it was with the belief that he would help me if I had trouble sleeping or with anxiety. I feel a bit annoyed that I trusted him enough to give those meds.

He knew I had no sedatives at home. He knew that I had , over the previous week, stopped taking all of the 15-20mg Valium I had been taking. I'm sure he knew I was going to be anxious and have trouble sleeping. The first week of no sleep I recognize I was probably having some withdrawal, but I wonder if that is still happening? Or am I hypomanic?

What I would have liked is for him to acknowledge I was having, or going to have withdrawal symptoms. I guess what I'm trying to express is I would have liked to know this is what would happen if I went off Valium too quickly. He did try to get me to go off it slowly, but I always fell back and ended up increasing, because I would get so stressed out and not sleep. I would have liked an open/honest discussion about my "addiction" to Valium.

I would have liked him to express what I suspect he was thinking...that now that he had all my hoarded meds, I had no sedatives to sneak into, to "self-medicate" with, and now was an opportunity to get me off Valium for good.

Which is what I want...even though I'm whining and freaking out about not having any...it really is what I want. I suspect wants me off the Valium too.

What's my point? I just want him to talk to me, about me, like I am a colleague. I want to know exactly how he sees me, exactly what he thinks my diagnosis is, exactly what he would tell another health care worker about what is stopping me from getting well.

Why he is letting me go through all this mixed high, both intensely powerful and horrible at the same time. Powerful, because finally, I have leaped out of my cocoon like bed and started doing tons; horrible because of my mounting anxiety/irritability and no sleep.

I am glad he stood his ground and did not give me sedatives, but at the same time I feel like I really need to sleep. Is he doing it to see if I do have bipolar? Maybe before I was always sedating my hypomania, so I never went up and stayed up for an extended time? I just want to know what he is thinking when he makes these decisions...but I feel it is not my place to ask, or I feel like he is not telling me the whole truth.

Next day...
I'm scared too because I'm going away with my sister and her kids next week and I can't be totally psycho around them. Plus I want an enjoyable holiday, not one filled with the agitation I was feeling all day today. I just lost it today. I feel explosive inside...so anxious I feel like I'm being suffocated by someone squeezing my chest shut.

I am so irate I am mumbling and talking to myself in angry tones (even in public!!)...how embarassing. My mind is on high speed, I can't concentrate. I kept messing up at my volunteer job last night...dropping thing, distracted, miscalculating things, missing what people were asking for, just not getting it at all. All day I have been ready to blow up at everyone around me.

We have a house guest right now and this a.m. I went from excited and energetic (but really anxious), to severely anxiousand agitated in the same hour. Within the next hour I became so agitated I could not sit still. He started noticing my behaviour was getting bizarre and he came up to me to try to calm me down and help me relax with some type of yoga relaxation technique...as I was doing the exercise I just broke down crying and having the worst anxiety attack. I have way to much raging, racing energy inside me for how little sleep I have had. I'm scaring myself.

I won't last like this for 2 more weeks. I can feel that any "elation", caused by finally having some energy over the past week or so, is quickly disintigrating and becoming an anxious and agitated depression.

I don't want to ask for sedatives. I don't want to start or ever take any benzodiazepines again. I don't want to lose my energy. I just want the energy, without all the bad feelings. I want to enjoy my time with my sister and neices next week when we go horseback riding. Is that too much to ask? And what do I ask for? A new brain?

Hypomanic? Can I keep up this pace?

I have not had this much energy in a long time. Problem is I am sleeping on average 2 - 4 hrs/night (and that's with it being an hour here and there and awake the rest of the night), but I have more energy than I have had in ages.

It has not all been good energy. I am so anxious it is brutal. I've been having some of the worst anxiety attacks I've had in a long time. I feel this anxious energy racing through me. It feels really physical...I can't breathe, get a deep breathe, chest pains. It is not stopping me from doing things though, like it usually does. It is almost like my anxiety is pushing me to do things..

I keep thinking of Dr. X. saying... "I want you to use this energy to push forward". It has become my mantra since I saw him on Tuesday.

• On Wednesday:

I volunteered at the studio all day. The older adults pottery class I was helping with was having an "end of class tea". I was so energized setting up for class and had to try really hard to SLOW down during the class (didn't want to freak anyone out...but I was extra bubbly/effervescent quite a few times...just can't contain the energy). By the end of class I was just pacing like a caged cougar....let me out!!!!

I thought I would be bagged by lunch...but my energy kept increasing and was so bad (anxious/irritable/depressed) and high (surging energy inside, can't sit still, want to just go, go, go), both at the same time, I thought I was really losing it. I thought about going to the hospital or calling Dr. X. (something I rarely do...I've called him maybe 3-4 times in 6 years), but I kept thinking...push forward, push forward.

I managed to get back to the studio and help interview a secretary for the position we posted. (I love that they involve me in these things...what a great place!!!). I was ON....I really felt that even though I was feeling REALLY distractable. I saw and shared so many things that were important during the interview...things I don't think my slowed down mind would see. I felt productive and intelligent again...a combination I have not felt in eons.

• On Thursday:

I got out of bed early...after no sleep and was just racing with energy again. I was so stressed out/anxious/irritable, but I managed to think about how I could use all this energy positively. Swimming is my favourite thing in the world, but when I'm depressed I just cannot motivate myself to go. With my mood mixed with depression and this energy I had the energy, but was having trouble with motivation still. Jim said, "just go to the pool and swim one length". I felt so supported and thought, yeah, I could do that.

So I went to the pool and I swam MORE than 1.2 km... that's 48/25m lengths ...I lost count after that, but kept going for quite a few more. I finally stopped because I thought...Oh god, I'm going to be sore tomorrow, given I haven't swam a single length in more than 2 years. That thought only occurred AFTER I had done the damage...I was in pain that night...but felt so good about what I had done.

• On Friday:

Even though I had tons of energy in the a.m. it was all mixed up anxiety/depression/irritability. I still managed to push forward. I went to the studio all afternoon. I was so up, high and talkative. Maybe verging on annoying and/or obnoxious at times. I get a bit pushy/overexcited/interruptive when I feel like this. So I really had to try to back off and slow down in a meeting I was attending. One of the O.T.'s said I was so high I was energizing her. And she meant it.

• On Saturday:

I leaped out of bed after 3.5 hrs of sleep in my hour here, hour there fashion. Did the dishes, tidied the house and then more...

I have needed to go shopping for some clothes and things for months now, but get so much anxiety about getting to and being in the stores (anticipatory anxiety) that I just cannot get myself to go. Today I went, despite feeling even more anxious than normal...use this energy, push forward, push forward. Wasn't that enjoyable, but I went to 2 different malls. That's pretty motivated., because I hate malls and I was severely anxious and I got there anyways.

Then I came home and mowed the lawn (this is no tiny lawn and not easy to do), then I finished that and off to the BIG grocery store to buy some food....something that usually takes me forever to talk myself into....and I am, as you can see by the length of this post, still going a million miles an hour. All on no sleep.

This week I have done more than I have done in ages. I felt like I could barely get out and stay out of bed two weeks ago...so I don't know if this is hypomania, or if I am having this rebound energy after going off valium fairly quickly 2.5 weeks ago...or is this normal and my depression just disappeared?

You Won't Die From Not Sleeping!

My pdoc said this to me, jokingly, this morning. I am WIRED for sound right now. I cannot sleep. Last night I went to bed at 9:30, because I had a busy day ahead of me today. So much for "sleep management" at 11:30 I was still awake, 12:00, still awake, somewhere around 12:30 drifting of and then 2:30-ish WIDE awake and could not, no matter how hard I tried, get back to sleep.

It has been awful...all week I finally fall asleep only to wake 2,3 or 4 hours later (one day 5 hours...WOOHOO!!) I maybe drift off for a few minutes here and there, and although I don't seem to be sleeping, a couple times I dreamt, so I must have been....but I look at the clock...and barely any time has gone by. By the third night of not sleeping I took some muscle relaxants to try to help me (thus the 5 hrs sleep)...but tried again the next night, and then again last night, and nothing.

On top of it I have so much more energy, but it is just racing through me. I don't feel like I am appearing/acting that odd, or that my actions are expressing the amount of energy I feel inside. I'm still having motivation problems....but inside I am explosive, heart racing, anxiety ridden, irritable to raging angry and then depressed, but the depression is not laying on me like a fog, it's coming at me like a raging river, pouring out of me at inopportune times. In between I feel elated, excited, energized...even with no sleep. I don't know what's going on?

Withdrawal from Valium might explain some of the symptoms...like maybe I am having rebound sleeplessness, irritability and anxiety. I was taking 10 mg for almost 10mos and then about 1-2 mos ago I increased it to 15 and then sometimes 20mg. I started taking more because I just couldn't face how I was feeling.

I did come off 15-20 mg rather quickly (over a week period), but I knew, psychologically I could not go off slowly...I have tried and always fail. I believe I have had excessively happy hypomanias years ago...where I did not sleep and did some bizarre things that I cannot imagine myself doing now. This is different though.

I am really wondering if this might be my first "true" hypomanic state, since I started to see a psychiatrist. Usually, when my mood has gone up, it only lasts 1-2 days and most of my other symptoms just disappear...no anxiety, no irritability...still no sleep, but basically the depression disappears and I am replaced with a joyous counterpart who exudes strength and charisma.

This time I am all over the map, and it is not making sense to me that I have this much wild energy racing through me, but still feel so many bad feelings...(depression, guilt, sadness, anger, anxiety). All I want is to sleep, but I asked my pdoc what to do and he said he did not want to take all this energy away from me. I was hoping he would give me something to help me sleep...Why can't I ask more directly?

He said he did not want to sedate me when I finally was feeling more energetic. He wants me to look at it and use it in a positive way, because I have been so depressed for such a long time with no break in my mood.

He said, he doesn't want me to feel like he is not supporting me, or dismissing how difficult not sleeping is, by saying that, but he wants me to really try to use this time to push forward.

I understand what he's saying, but I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't really have a choice though, unless I go get some OTC sleep aid.

It just so happens I "gave up" my hoarded old meds to him last week...trusting I would get medication if I felt I needed it. If I had not given them to him I could be sleeping right now as I had some trazadone. I do recognize that OTC's and/or "self medicating" with old meds would be counter-productive to what my pdoc is saying...I just don't know if I can keep up this racing pace, with no sleep, for another week. Argh...God, please...let me be normal again!!!

It All changed this Morning

I woke this a.m. to go see my pdoc. All I wrote yesterday seemed like gibberish. I felt more stable this a.m than usual. So I abandoned the plan to get him to read how I'm feeling and decided to act on an important thing we have been working on in therapy..

Last week, after entreating me for 2 weeks to bring in my hoarded meds, he made a direct request for me to do so. He never does that. It got me thinking all week about what he has said to over the years about my suicidal thoughts and how hoarding old meds and especially sedatives was an unhealthy "safety net".

My safety net was what I called them...because I felt if I just couldn't go on I would have a way out if I saved as much as I could. The problem becomes I start obsessing about whether they will work or not, whether I will actually die if I take them, whether I had enough to die and not do just physical damage to my body, how I can ensure I die. The other thing these hoarded meds do is tempt me to misuse the old sedatives to help me calm down. It's not fair to me or my pdoc. How the hell is my pdoc supposed to assess me if I'm start taking things he doesn't know about, on top of what he's prescribed.

So today I put the meds in my bag, took them out, put them back in...then I exited the house, went to his office and told him I had them with me, but I was not sure if I could give them up.

He never insisted, in fact the opposite. He said it was my choice. I felt good about that understanding that I require autonomy and reflected on how them sitting in my dresser taunting me to take them was truly unhealthy.

I handed them to him. It was a good decision. Last time I did this I had a fairly large amount of epival and I realize that as soon as I handed in that hoard I immediately stopped obsessing about killing myself with Epival.

I feel more honest now. I feel like I am learning to trust that should I need something to help me again my pdoc will be there for me still. I think for some reason I fear being left with no way to feel even a bit of relief. Like what if he left and all my support systems broke down. He said he's not going anywhere. I'm going to try to trust that statement and let go of the fear I will be abandoned and desperately ill, with no one willing to help me.

Preparing for my Therapy Session Tomorrow

So many feelings, thoughts, worries, constant ruminations have rapidly passed through me this week that I think I need to write out what I want to say so I have some understandable piece of information to share with my pdoc tomorrow. Also, I don't know why, but I feel it is not my place to ask Dr. X. to reveal some of these things...so maybe I can do it on paper.

Throughout the week I've been writing my ruminations out as they happen, They are coming at me rapidly and feel intrusive, as opposed to my consciously trying to think about them. I wake and the flood of thoughts starts. Often I can't remember what it was I was thinking by the time I get to my session, or something there distracts me from what I wanted to ask/say...so I'm going to try to consolidate some of these:

1) Something simple Dr. X. said in my last session triggered massive stress about going to the hospital. Although, when he said it, I felt he was being thorough and I was really being cared for.

I'll paraphrase: He said, the hospital might be a good place for me to be observed by others in case he has missed something. Panic and distrust set in a couple days later.

I started wondering what Dr. H. said about me 2 yrs ago, (he was the Pdoc who interviewed me for ECT and my stay at the hospital), then I worried about what Dr. R. (Pdoc at a couple outpatient programs I attended) said about me, then I started worrying I would get a Pdoc in the hospital who was not my advocate, like I feel Dr. X. has been, then I started to worry about being diagnosed with a personality disorder, or some other uninsurable illness, or worse they would miss my depression altogether and I would feel like a fraud, because my mood is so bizarre, labile and reactive to things around me, then I started to worry about my insurance company seeing this as a good opportunity to cut me off, then I started worrying about ending up without enough income to take care of myself....and it just kept getting worse from there.

What did these Dr.s' say about my depression? Did they send Dr.X. a report? If so, can I know what was in them?

2) I am afraid if I go into the hospital the same thing as last time will happen and it will misrepresent my depression and how bad I usually feel. This is what happened last time I went in for ECT.

My mood lifted almost immediately, long before ECT could explain it. Placebo effect? I'm not depressed? Something else is going on? Who knows why?.. .although I wonder who can tell if it was ECT that affected my mood during the latter part of my stay after receiving the requisite # that usually affect people's mood. Also, when I review my mood diary my mood did stay up for a few weeks after ECT.

What if I get some dogmatic, or unknowledgeable Pdoc and they really do miss that I really am depressed. I get so much feedback that I don't seem like I am depressed on the outside. This I can't even understand myself. Even the Occupational Therapists who see me at the studio keep saying more than once or twice that "[I am] so high functioning when I am in class teaching, or involved in other group projects, that it is hard to see [I am] unwell"...except that I've been breaking down in tears most of the time I meet privately with them...so I feel confused by their comments.

My mood swings feel out of my control. The only thing I can liken them to is a, seemingly, inactive volcano. It sits and looks innocuous, like a beautifully functioning mountain. It seems safe and normal for a period of time. All the villagers living at the base of the volcano think everything is fine and then suddenly boom. The thing explodes and like the lava my internal depression comes flowing out, much to the surprise of those around me. (other than the people who really know me...they KNOW the lava is always at the surface). How the hell can I switch on and off like I do and this be an illness and not something I am in control of?

Also, I know that if I went into the hospital and my depression was dismissed as not real I would be even more confused and depressed than I feel now. I have struggled, (unsuccessfully I might add), for so long to accept, what Dr. X. tells me...and I trust him. What about someone I do not trust?

What happens if all that falls apart and I have to start again believing or accepting some other diagnosis? The majority of me still believes all this is my fault, that it is my own self that continues to make me sick.

3) I am becoming increasingly paranoid:

(but if I really am paranoid...how is it that I have some insight into the idea that some of my thoughts might not be real? So I feel here, like with my depression, my symptoms are inconsistent with the idea of feeling paranoid or depressed)

• That the Clubhouse staff thinks I am not fit for teaching the next session due to all the breakdowns I keep having in their offices and when talking with other members I trust.
  
• At the same time I feel they see my reactive "functioning" mood as a sign that I'm in need of no help. (I know...another contradiction). The constant reminder by the OT's that my "high functioning" is in direct conflict with my diagnosis is stressing me out beyond belief. I feel like I'm fake, or my depression is a delusion, or something else...I don't understand what.(I hate the terms high/low functioning, but don't know how else to say what they are referring to)
  
• That my sister's, my step mom and husband are colluding against me...I have overheard them talking about me on the phone and my husband has told me they talk about my treatment making me worse.
• I have a lot of internal conflict about whether therapy is good for me too. I have never felt cared for like I do in my sessions and maybe that is unhealthy? Maybe I stay sick because I have no other source that cares in the same way and I am afraid of losing that support? I often wonder if I were to have no reminders I was unwell...no Pdoc, no medicine, no mental health community (i.e. Art Studios, my friends, etc)...if I would just magically get well.
  

4) I feel like my mood is cycling so fast right now:
As of tonight I will be off my last medication. I don't think my mood cycling is related to that though....I think it's related to my above worries. I'm up for class, feel more energy at the start of the day, get anxious, or irritated, agitated, or enraged and depressed, as the day goes on...sometimes within an hour or so of feeling a different way/sometimes all at the same time. My sleep is very interrupted. I wake up and all the above thoughts go over and over in my brain. I feel better in the early morning (more awake)....but worse as the day progresses and exhausted by 1 or 2 still. I am having difficulty concentrating and making tons of mistakes everywhere; at home, with my art and my driving is scary because I seem to disappear and can’t focus.

• Eg.: On Friday I went into the clubhouse to do my own art (no teaching that day). When I went in I felt so irritable...on the verge of rage, but I forced myself to go thinking I would feel better if I could get distracted by my art. While there I was asked by one of the OT's when I would be available to volunteer after the Aug 6-17th break (they're closing for 2 weeks). I just broke down crying. I feel so confused about how I am feeling. On Thursday at a meeting I felt like I was going to blow up inside.

The feeling like I'm in crisis, but no one is noticing. I have explained to them that I may go into the hospital. I want to be fair to them so they can make up the schedule and decide if I am allowed to help teach drawing classes and be a Mentor for others in September or not. I don't understand what they want me to say when I don't even know if I will be in the hospital or not.

I am confused about Dr. X.'s suggestions of a hospital stay. I have no idea if he is serious or if it's just an idea, and if he is, when it would happen....so I don't know what I can/cannot commit to. (ask him for clarification and a more definitive plan) Also, his bringing up the bipolar/ECT study and cognitive problems makes me wonder if ECT is a good idea. Is that what he was saying? I know I don't have bipolar, but Dr. X. has said I have a "bipolarity" to my depression. Does it concern him I may lose some more cognitive abilities if I have ECT?

So, to conclude: I feel like I appear "normal" on the outside to most people, and explosive, depressed, suicidal, irritated, can't think straight, on the inside and every once in a while that volcano of emotions allows itself to come to the surface.

The explosions usually happen: a) when I'm on my own, b) when I'm talking with someone I feel safe opening up to. c) When I feel really misunderstood and/or the severity and impact on my life my depression has had on me is dismissed or misunderstood. Although I feel like I cannot control when they explode to the surface I must be able to to some degree, otherwise how am I seemingly okay one minute and not the next?

I was thinking last night how some people believe in God - something else being in control of their destiny. It is like I cannot accept I have a mental illness and that I have little control over some aspects of how I feel or act. I feel like it is my personal responsibility to make myself feel better and I am failing miserably. When I go high....I can see it is like a light switch gets turned on and I did nothing to affect my high mood, but when I am low, I feel like I did, or am doing, it to myself.

God, I need a shut off switch on my brain.

I am so lucky to have the Pdoc I have

The following is what I remember about part of today's session. I know I didn't entirely capture all that was important, and I may have made some mistakes in remembering as I wrote them down 5-6 hours later:

I went into my session feeling apathetic, hopeless...like I will never be well, or have a chance again. I ruminated about suicide almost the whole 45 minute drive to my session.

Last night I printed off my last blog post and this a.m. I asked my pdoc to read it, because , in my sessions, I often feel I get so overwhelmed by my emotions that the message I need him to hear is lost. I often remember what I needed to say when I get into my car to leave. I feel like I can express myself more clearly in writing.

He read it, and then silence. I felt intensely ashamed and embarrassed. Once again he suggested the hospital. I told him I would be willing to go after the 19th of August, when my commitments are complete. I expressed concern and a strange feeling about "planning" a hospital stay.

Dr. X.: Why?
Me: a) What if I show up and my symptoms are no longer there? I know what will happen. I will show up, my symptoms will temporarily disappear(because as I usually seem to manage around strangers I will try to be normal and no one will believe I need help. Also, I do not trust other Pdocs/Dr.'s. In fact I only trust [him]. What if they won't let me out?
Dr. X.: The chronic nature of your illness is understood. Yes, you may show up with no symptoms, but I will do all I can to help you while you are there. (I think he meant he would express to the inpatient Psychiatrist what I've been feeling) and how I am really depressed despite this mask I can often manage to place on my feelings and despite being actually able to enjoy brief and sometimes extended moments in time. (My mood is VERY reactive to the situation sometimes. At other times nothing will bring me up.)
Dr.X.: I really think a hospital stay would be a good idea. I like to think I am a good Psychiatrist, but maybe I am missing something. It would be good to be assessed by someone else.
Me: I have never once thought my not getting better had anything to do with your competence. I believe you are doing all that is possible to try to help me. I know you are a good Pdoc. In fact I would say you are the best Dr. I have ever had.
Dr: X.: I want you to bring your hoarded medications to your next session. I rarely make a direct request to you, but I think the amount of medication, and having it around the house is unhealthy and impeding your mental health.
Me: I see it as a safety net. If I cannot take it anymore I have a way to end it all.
Dr X.: Your safety net is unhealthy. Use the hospital or the health care system as your safety net.
Me: I would never go to the hospital.
Dr. X.: Why?
Me: Because, I would get there and within minutes of talking to someone I would laugh, or seem better and they would send me home. I would feel totally dismissed and feel like my needs were dismissed.
Dr. X.: I will give you my home phone number. If you are headed to the hospital call me and I will call/fax ahead and explain your circumstances.
Me: (at that moment I felt so trusted and cared about) I would not feel comfortable with your home phone number. I am not going to intrude on your personal time. I would not call.

I guess what I'm trying to show is how openness and honest dialogue with my pdoc, (about symptoms, med problems, eg. hoarding for suicide and I've been "sneaking into my stash to try to sleep"), directness, explaining my fears about the hospital and feeling trusted and cared for can be so therapeutic. I left today thinking I can hang on for a while longer as long as I have my pdoc for support.

P.S. I will tell you about the dream I had last night and our interpretations tomorrow.

I Cannot Take it Anymore.

I am so depressed right now I feel like I am not going to survive. I spent more than 3 hours last night with my husband yelling, blaming and berating me for my illness, and my unsuccessful attempts to get better, (never mind that I have tried all kinds of things to help myself), tons of different meds, hospital stay, psycho education programs, different psychologists/counsellors, Group therapy ECT, weekly therapy...the list could go on forever.

He says I haven't done enough about trying alternative therapies like acupuncture, diet, hypnosis etc. That I do not follow my pdoc's recommendations about diet, exercise and supplements like B vitamins and salmon oil.

I tried to explain to him that part of my symptoms are extreme fatigue and amotivation. I have tried the food thing, I try to cook from fresh foods and cut out white flour, rice etc., but most days now I can barely cook so I have been cheating and buying pre-made dinners. The effort it takes me to eat better and eat low glycemic foods, or seek out a nutritionist who even can conceptualize what I am going through is overwhelming to me.

I believe Major Depressive Disorder is an illness. I also believe there are far too many unqualified people trying to push unproven "cures" on people with major depression. So I feel really vulnerable and believe I will be taken advantage of by an unqualified, uninformed purported healer. Maybe some of the things can make a small difference for people whose depression is less severe, or situational, but I don't believe changing my diet completely, for instance, will make me well.

What makes me really sad, and angry about my husband's self proclaimed "supportive" comments is my feeling like even with the awful, life destroying symptoms, recently I have really pushed myself to try to get better.

For the first time in years I have managed to start, and maintain something resembling work (albeit only volunteering)... even when my symptoms are at their worst. Although, even here I am flailing and not "there" (in my mind or enjoyment) like I was in the beginning.

Thankfully, one position ended for the summer and I managed to give notice for another. I do still have two more classes for one position, and I've volunteered for a summer mentoring position at the Studio until August 9th. I'm also trying to force myself to get to the studio as much as possible, but I am having a hard time with that.

Consistently getting all this negative feedback from my husband makes me feel like all is for nought. I feel like I try as hard as I can and no one gets it. Everyone thinks I'm just lazy or deluded about being depressed, because, according to them I am up when they see me...so if I can manage that, why can't I be like that all the time. I even think my pdoc must wonder sometimes because I can go from distraught to laughing in a matter of minutes. Even I do not understand that.

"Everyone has there up and down days" is the statement of the day from those I try to explain what's going on inside my head. If they believe my depression is anything like an up or down day...they have no clue what this internal hell is like.

I have gotten to the point where I've given up. I feel suicidal almost all day, almost everyday. I think of what I would say in my suicide note, think about what I would say in personal letters to my family members and pdoc. I count all my hoarded medications. I try to figure out if I would die if I took them all, but can never find consistent information about that. I don't want to survive and be both physically and mentally ill because of some stupid miscalculation I make about what I need to take and do to die.

I go over and over how I could kill myself and have it look like an accident, so my family is not left with the stigma that I committed suicide. I even try to protect my pdoc and think of ways to commit suicide where no medications he prescribed are involved. Basically I want out so bad, but I do not want to hurt anyone else.

I cannot take life anymore. All I do is sleep/crawl into bed to avoid life. I am so tired all the time I literally feel sick. I feel anxious about everything. I walk into the grocery store and just disappear. I'm sure it's anxiety. I have needed new clothes for months now, but I cannot manage to get myself out of the house and to the store. I can never sleep through the night, because I worry about getting a job, getting better, how others perceive me, and being a constant burden on my family and even my pdoc. I also ruminate over and over about getting myself out of this hellish, unlivable existence. I see no hope of fixing or changing any of these things anymore. I really am ready to give up.

Paranoia

Just now I started thinking about the whole scenario I just wrote about yesterday. What are the chances that a person I am a volunteer with at the studio would have the exact same thing happen to them at the exact time when I need to do exactly what they were able to do, i.e. stand up and say my symptoms are making me too ill to continue the commitment I made.

Then I started thinking maybe the whole thing was a set-up. (...because of course the world rotates around me....not!). I live in a pretty large city. At the studio there are about 400 members, approximately 20 of whom come in fairly frequently, like my co-worker and I, and some who come in very rarely if ever.

What are the chances one of those people would volunteer to do the exact same position as me and then have such similar circumstances, but be able to follow through on their commitment to themselves, while I tread water and try to save myself from drowning. I suggest highly unlikely and improbable.

I'm feeling paranoid again. (Can you be paranoid if you you think you might be paranoid???) I'm unsure about that one??? I think I'm feeling spied on again. Like the person was checking me out on behalf of my pdoc. I have to say, given what my pdoc is like, this does sound strange as I'm writing it and even highly unlikely.

I always feel like no one gets how I can be so depressed, yet become the person other's need me to be in the moment. For example, I am amiable, conscientious, caring, seemingly energetic during my classes...then I crash the second I leave the situation. Everyone, except those close to me, says I don't act or seem depressed. I think I worry my pdoc doesn't believe how much I am suffering. I am scared I am going to slip through the cracks and end up with no psychiatric help, still severely depressed, no job and no way to be able to take care of myself.

Why Can't I set Boundries and Say No?

I am a member at an place that offers art classes, art supplies and studio space/time for people (members) with particular major mental illnesses. At this studio you can be a participant in classes, help teach classes, or be an instructor. Most of the classes are taught by members. I have been a member and taken a few classes over the past few years, but this year I pushed myself to do more.

My pdoc and I discussed creating a community for myself. I love this studio. The members are great. Also, there are occupational therapists who are, in my view, the best I've seen. I feel like members are treated completely as equals by the O.T.'s, something I haven't experienced before. I feel valued and cared for. It is a great community for me.

This year I applied to be an assistant instructor. I am near the end of my second class and I love it, I love the people, I think the instructor is great too. It also gives that day some structure; gets me out of bed, provides me with a reason to leave home, etc. On top of that it gives me a sense of accomplishment, and my life a small sense of purpose and meaning. So I decided to do more.

I now volunteer to help with another class as well. I also attend an array of planning and information meetings. I just finished taking another course there and now I have volunteered to help people move from structured classes to working at the studio on their own. On top of that I have committed to volunteering once a week at our city's Shakespeare festival.

The problem? I am completely overwhelmed and depressed right now. For the past maybe 9-10 weeks my depression has been worsening and I am as close to suicide as I have ever been, maybe closer. Every therapy session for at least the past 6-7 weeks Dr. X. has either asked, "Have you considered ECT again?", or "Have you considered a hospital stay?".

Dr. X. is not the type of pdoc to TELL me what to do. I can only surmise these queries are his way of "suggesting" these options. I have thought of both and I think I need both. I have, however, made commitments to Studio and to the Shakespeare festival. I am loathe to break commitments, even if I know they are getting in the way of my getting well. It is almost an obsessional urge to keep my word, but also because I fear the consequences.

I believe I can manage to back out of the Shakespeare festival after the required 7 shifts and feel okay about that. I have just completed week 4. The real problem is that I just cannot, and will not, break my commitments to the studio. I fear there will be repercussions if I do. I worry I will lose the O.T's faith in my reliability. I also am afraid I will lose the connection and respect that I have worked so hard to gain with other members in this community. I fear the loss of future opportunities at the studio, for instance other instructor opportunities. There are a million reasons why. I told my pdoc my commitments end August 19th. That is when I would consider a hospital stay.

Now the real reason I am writing this is because one of the other studio helpers called in sick last week and then this week called to say they will not be returning to help because of their symptoms. (They told the OT to explain that to us).

I am so proud of this person. I am also jealous that they understand their boundaries, that they are able to say no to take care of themselves, that they put themselves and their mental health first. When will I get there? Why do I not put me first? Or why do I have such a warped view of what putting me first looks like. (i.e. avoiding judgement and punishment). I hope my co-helper will be okay, and I hope I can learn from this person's strength.

Suicide Dreams

I had a dream last night that I was going away and needed to take a plane. I needed my birth certificate to get on the plane. As I was packing to go I could not find it, and then I finally found it in my shirt pocket.

I went to the airport and each gate was accessed via a flight of stairs. I had to get to gate I5. I started to climb, but lost my birth certificate over and over again. Each time I found it again.

Suddenly I realized that the letters and numbers in the stairwell that was headed towards the airplane gates were not going anywhere in the direction of I5 and I was at the wrong terminal.

I started running down the stairs and I found my little sisters birth certificate in the corner of one of the stairwell's landings, but all it said was her name....no date of birth, place of birth, no other information at all. I felt confused and sad.

I had 15 minutes to board the plane as I arrived at the shuttle service station, but the driver said he would only take families with a mom, a dad and two kids, so I had no way to get to the other terminal. Besides, I suddenly realized I lost my birth certificate again. I knew I would never catch that plane.

Meanings:???

I have been increasingly suicidal. My sister phoned my husband two days ago and said she was really upset and worried about me and would never get over me killing myself. That when Mom was alive she called her everyday, just to chat and since Mom died I have taken over that role and she feels I am the only person she can talk to openly.

• My losing my birth certificate is signifying I do not exist, I am gone, dead, or I never existed.
• my finding my sister's birth certificate with no birth date is saying, given, in her eyes, I have become a surrogate for Mom, she would not exist without me. (figuratively of course), thus she has no birth date/place etc..
• The driver saying he would take only a family of four would be my Mom, my Dad and my two sisters...I'm not there.
• or...there is no way for me to be there, both because my parents divorced, so we were not a mom/dad family, but also because my Mom is dead...so getting a ride is an impossibility.
• Last week in my session I told Dr. X. I was the one person on a plane that was not afraid of crashing. In fact I prayed for my planes to crash. The fact that I would miss the plane in my dream was another missed opportunity to leave this world.
• All the lost identification could be the literal representation of the loss of identity that I feel during this, and all my depressive episodes...maybe even when I am well. I never have a sense of knowing my self. I always feel disconnected from my self.

I must frustrate the hell out of my pdoc

Remembered snippets of my conversation in my session today...may not be entirely accurate, but I'm trying to clearly recall

Me: I feel tormented. All I can think about is suicide. I'm not sleeping and I am tired all the time. I get up at 9-9:30 and then am back in bed at noon. I want to die.

Dr. X.: are your thoughts conscious thoughts?

Me: No they feel intrusive, like they won't go away, like they are pushing me.

Dr. X.: What is the nature of your thoughts?

Me: I keep thinking over and over if I could overdose on the meds I have at home. I keep looking up on the Internet how to die, how much of each medication I need to ensure death (I have quite a bit). The last thing I want is to survive and be physically and mentally ill/hurt. I keep thinking I could take all my pills and drown myself as I become unconscious...just to be sure.

Dr. X: There is always a hospital stay. (he has mentioned this every week for at least the past 6 weeks)

Me: ...but I have committed to so many things and I have so many things I need to do. I cannot go into the hospital.

Dr. X.: You do not have to do the things you committed to. It would be best for you to take care of yourself first. The hospital seemed to help you last time.

Me: ...You don't know me (him...with a look of surprise? or maybe a bit stunned or hurt that I said that)...when I commit it is almost impossible to not do the thing.

Me: ...My sister and brother-in-law are coming on the 11th for 4 days and my sister and her family are coming on the 12th for a day and night. My house is a disaster, disgusting, messy, dirty. I have to clean it, but I can barely move.

Dr.X.: You do not have to clean your house for your visiting relatives

Me: I DO have to clean my house. It's disgusting. Besides people will judge me for those sorts of things.

Dr. X.: People will judge you for all sorts of things, maybe it is important to let things go and allow the judgement and maybe allow your embarrassment to happen. (to learn I can't be embarrassed to death)

We made a list of all my commitments and went through each one and he tried to get me to see the world wouldn't end if I "uncommitted" to any of them.

We talked about the value of a hospital stay, but I know I cannot escape what I have said I will do. Maybe that is my way of pushing myself into the future? My way of ensuring I remain...I feel obligated? Who knows. All I know is I think I can hang on for a couple months and I am not committing to anything beyond that. Maybe then I can let myself get the help I need.

Anyways...it ended with him encouraging me to bring my old meds into our next session so he could dispose of them and I would no longer have them tormenting me with a means to an end.

A Fine Line

(In retrospect)
Is there a fine line between the moment someone decides their life is worth living and their life is worthless and they need to die? I think I'm standing on that line right now and I've been trying to reach out for help, but I am maybe being to subtle and people are missing my crying out.

I have maybe 3-4 hours every couple days, or when I am asleep, when I'm distracted enough to stop thinking about suicide. I wake up around 9:30, after laying in bed for an hour trying to get myself up. Then by noon I crawl back into bed and stay there awake and tormented by thoughts of how I could kill myself and not make a mistake. All I want is to sleep permenantly. For me, worse than this hell would be this hell, where I was physically incapacitated too because of some mistake I made in trying to die.

In the afternoon I lay there for 2-4 hours, get up, eat/or not - can't cook, or clean, or do anything except what I have committed to others, then I'm in bed usually by 9 again. What kind of life is this. I don't think it is one worth living and I see no end to this incapacitating depression. Nothing helps it.

I've told my husband I'm thinking of suicide all the time. I told my sisters...everyone says don't do that to us, but I need more help, or support, or something. I don't even know what...I just need help and I'm not one to take myself to the hospital, or call my pdoc...so I cry, and I cry and all I want is a way out.

Just when you think you are headed in the right direction

I do not even know where to begin. A few months ago I took a big leap and began volunteering at an art Clubhouse for people with severe and persistent mental illnesses. I have been a member there for a few years and have taken classes, but then an assistant instructor position came up for a class so I decided, despite STILL being severely depressed, to apply.

The application process was stressful. I needed a resume and had to go in for an interview, but it was also good , because I now have a resume. I got the position and am in the middle of co-teaching my second class. Since then I have begun helping in another class and, because it is a member run studio, attending instructors meeting and studio monthly meetings.
Last Sunday I began volunteering for my city's Shakespeare festival too.

Now, for the last four or 5 weeks I have been so depressed I feel like I'm hanging on by an itsy, bitsy thread. I feel like commiting suicide everyday. I am so overwhelmed with everything I have commited to. On top of that my Grandma passed away a few weeks ago and my dog (who was my mom's until my mom passed away 1.5 yrs ago) is really sick with cancer (lung cancer and 3 other types of tumours...one of which became so large it broke open and every day 2-3 time a day I need to disinfect, medicate and wrap the tumour...I think I feel even more sad because he remind me of my Mom so much...I AM SO STRESSED AND DEPRESSED.

I started all the volunteer work because my pdoc and I had been in long discussions about my creating a community for myself, somewhere where I felt I belonged. The studio is just that place for me. I have met so many amazing people and the studio is open with materials and space to do your own art (Drawing, painting, pottery...tons of things) and I love the creative aspect of it. Also. the staff (Occupational Therapists, treat us like we are one of them. They have given me so many opportunities outside the teaching...attending different workshops etc.

The problem: I feel so overwhelmed and depressed that I can barely get out of bed. When I do for my volunteering I immediately come home and go back to bed. I have an exceedingly difficult time, if not impossible time cooking. I cannot seem to get motivated to clean the house, wash my hair, get dressed, or do anything that requires any effort. I feel sick I am so fatigued.

Several times in the last 4-5 pdoc sessions my pdoc has talked with me about entering the hospital for ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). I have had it before, so I am not afraid of it, but I am loathe to let down anyone I have made a commitment to. I am afraid the community I have worked so hard to build will think I am unreliable if I go in and say I cannot keep this up.

This is like my two year attempt to leave work to save myself all over again. What is it about me that makes me put everyone else's need above my own?

Basically I have decided to try to get through the summer and go in for ECT in September. I'm not sure how I'm going to keep going until then. WHY CAN"T I FIND A MEDICINE THAT HELPS ME. Why can't my depression just leave me alone. It is and has destroyed my fucking life....I feel so angry about that.

Obituary

I read the obituaries all the time. What I hate more than anything is that no one is truthful when someone commits suicide. People use euphemisms like "died suddenly". If I kill myself I want my community to understand what it was like living with a mental illness. I want people to hear what it is like to try so hard to get better and to fail at every turn. So I am writing my own obituary:

Aquamarine 1965 - 2006. Predeceased by her mother, who was an extraordinary Mom, she is survived by her loving husband, 2 sisters she loves so much, 4 adorable neices, a wonderful and funny grandmother and her father and stepmom. "Aqua" grew up a happy child in a family that offered her all the love in the world. She had a passion for learning and was never happier than when she was in her final 2 years of university. She was quick to love and laugh, but also felt rejection very deeply. As early as her 18th year it became apparent to her that she felt desperately sad for no particular reason.

As the years went by her bouts of "sadness" began increasing in intensity and frequency. She began having severe anxiety attacks. She began withdrawing from her friends. She sought help numerous times, but for years no one seemed to recognize the severity of her depression. Finally when she was 34 her doctor tried prescribing a couple different antidepressants. They did not help. Eventually she was referred to a psychiatrist specializing in mood disorders. He offered her therapy and began trying to find a medication to help her.

While her psychiatrist was extraordinarily caring, knowledgeable and supportive, nothing seemed to help her feel better. Her depression became so severe it forced her to leave work. At times getting out of bed seemed impossible. She often had detailed, violent and obssesive thoughts about commiting suicide. All she wanted was some relief from the pain. She hung on because she loved her family so much, but eventually the intensity of both the thoughts and the sadness overwhelmed her and she took her own life.

She wanted this obituary to clearly state her cause of death, because she believed too often deaths as a result of mental illness are hidden from the public. She believed this perpetuated the shame and stigma for those who struggle to survive these illnesses. In lieu of flowers please look closely to your family and friends. Perhaps one of them needs your unconditional love and support. Unfortunately, even that is not enough sometimes. Aqua wants everyone to know there is nothing you could have done differently to change this outcome. Everyone did all they could do to help, but her depression was a relentless foe, and in the end it killed her.

Lithium

I have been afraid to post. Afraid because I was, for a while, feeling good (not just well...but good). Afraid because I thought my insurance company would read my posts, determine I was "cured" and send me back to work before I was ready.

In late June I decided to try Lithium. I was so scared to try this med for some reason. Once my dose was at 900mg I began to feel okay, then at 1200mg I felt really good. My mood had not only leveled off, it had lifted. I had some fatigue, but I could sleep in the afternoon and that seemed to help. I felt good for a few weeks, then I became sick (cold/flu...really awful cold symptoms). For two weeks, even while sick my mood felt good. Then my mood crashed.

I thought the Lithium stopped working, my mood kept getting worse. My pdoc said it was working, but could not manage to help my really low lows. Since then I have not felt good. I feel really bad right now. pretty much as bad as I have ever felt. What the hell???

Why do I take medicine if it makes me tired all the time, makes me stunned and and only works sporadically, if at all? I have been thinking a great deal about dying. I feel like I am never going to be well for an extended period. I feel like I cannot cope with life. I cannot even manage to keep my house clean. What makes me think I can turn my life around. I thought Lithium was supposed to level off my mood swings. That is simply not happening and I am soooooo fucking frustrated!!!

Crazy

I am out of my mind. I stressed out since my last session about being left without any financial means to take care of myself if I lose my insurance coverage and/or leave, my job. My thinking is like this...

• I become well.
• I lose my insurance,
• I have a choice..return to my old job (but it was contributing to my not being well), or find a job that I can manage to do and stay well
• I have another episode once I leave the job I have and it's insurance safety net (I have had so many depressive episodes...this is an inevitability)
• I end up not being able to work again, but this time I have no insurance
• I end up on the streets because I cannot support myself

Dr X. and I discussed this "catastrophizing" today. He asked me how likely it was that I would end up on the street...To me it seems completely possible...I imagine my husband leaves me, my family gives up on me, I run out of money...and there I am.

He asked me to think about Canada Disability benefits and could I live on that...I receive these now, but it is a very small amount of money and the city I live in is very expensive. Dr. X. says he has patients who live in the city and manage on a disability income. He says there is a safety net under my tightrope. I need not worry about ending up homeless. It will not happen. God, I wish I could feel safe. I wish I was not so afraid of change.

I had a dream last night that I was talking to my GP about how I was going to find happiness. In the dream I discovered I would be happy if I bought a motorcycle. I did not think much of it until I told Dr. X and he said, we associate motorcycles with a certain degree of risk (especially driving in this city)...maybe my dream was telling me happiness would be found only if I am willing to take some risks.

Coyote on the farm...telling me to act differently than I usually do. Be unafraid of change.

Prepare To Be Cut Off

I went into my session today feeling really good, despite not having slept more than a couple hours last night and not much the past week or so. I was awake all night last night with all this creative energy surging through me. I have been taking Art classes and I feel really good about this still life I just drew. I also started volunteering and had a really good time my first shift. It felt good to be useful.

Then I do not know what happened, but all sorts of negative thoughts started to creep into my session. Suddenly we were talking about my fears of being spied on by the insurance company and then Dr. X. said "Prepare to be cut off. When you are well it will be an inevitability"

Now I feel extremely stressed out. I know I will be cut off insurance if I become well, and I do not want to let my fear of being cutoff stop me from becoming well. However, my biggest fear is that I will become well for a while and then leave my job and get cut off insurance and then relapse into depression again and be both depressed and unable to take care of myself financially.

After my session today I came home and started worrying that Dr. X. is not going to give me enough time feeling well to be sure I am well enough to begin looking for work again and will be able to remain well in the long term. Argh! I hate my brain.

Why Don't You Work?

I am terrified of this question. I am starting a volunteer position this week at a very busy live theatre in the city I live in and I am so scared I am going to run into someone I used to work with. I am anxious they will judge me and think I am just "faking it" to get time off work. So My pdoc suggested I try to think of the questions that scare me and come up with responses.

I decided to come up with two types of responses. The first response to each question is based on my being very private about my mental illness. The second response is an honest, very open answer based on my experience with depression. As I wrote the "private" responses I started to think that in being secretive I was allowing myself to feel stigmatized by my illness. I would not be afraid to say "I have MS, that's why I can't work"...so I am not going to be afraid to tell the truth about being mentally ill.

Here's my list:
Why did you leave work?
- I became ill and was unable to work. or...
- I have an illness called Major Depressive Disorder. In me severe depression and anxiety make me feel very unwell. This made it exceedingly difficult for me to work in a high paced, high stress environment where the expectations and environment aggravated my illness.

You don't look sick.
- There are lots of illnesses where people look fine, but are unable to work. They are called "invisible disabilities" or...
- People with Major Depression often have okay days/moments. In particular people with atypical depression find our mood lifts when we are in situations we enjoy.

What did you become ill with? Are you okay?
- I would prefer not to discuss my illness. I am working towards recovering my health. or...
- I have a mental illness called Major Depressive Disorder. I have had difficulty with depression my whole life. This episode happens to be really bad and long-lived.

What happened at work?
- Nothing happened at work, I simply became unable to work due to an illness. or...
- Work became extremely stressful and demanding. I tried numerous therapies, I tried cutting down my hours, but ended up working more than full-time anyways, I had competing demands from several different businesses, I moved locations to a place where I knew no one. With all these factors and my depression I simply became more ill and decided that leaving work was the healthiest thing for me to do.

Why aren't you getting better?
- I am slowly becoming healthier. I have good days and bad days. or...
- Contrary to popular belief antidepressants do not always work for all people. I am working with a doctor to find a medication and therapy that will help me.

If you can work here, why can't you work at the your old workplace?
- I am a volunteer and can call in and say I am unable to commit to my shift. Also, my commitment here is for 3-5 hrs a week. At this point in time I am unable to work a work week at the bank.

What have you been up to?
- I have been exploring ways to create meaning in my life. I am volunteering and taking some art courses. I am spending more time with my family.

Why can't you work?
- My illness is unpredictable. It would not be fair to my employer to commit when I am unable to predict my ability to work on a regular basis.
What do you do for a living?
- I have the means to take care of myself...so I try to do the things that make me feel good.

Why aren't you working? Why don't you work?
- I worked from the time I was 15 and at 40 I feel it is time to reexplore my options and discover a career that speaks to me or...
- I have an illness that prevents my working right now.

What do you do?
- I garden, and draw, meet with friends, walk my dog, visit my family, spend time with my husband, go to the theatre, to the VSO, recitals, art galleries...all sorts of things

I Told the Truth

I went to therapy today and tried to say what I wrote earlier...but, just like I thought, it would not come out. I was not going to let myself leave without telling Dr. X. the truth about my hoarding meds and self-destructive and abusive behaviour...so I handed him a printed copy of what I wrote in my last post.

You would think I would feel relieved now, having got it all out of me, but I feel sick about it. Despite Dr. X's reassurances that I have not destroyed his faith and trust in me, I feel really ashamed and embarrassed by what I do and have done.

Dr. X. said my embarrassment is a huge hurdle for me in many situations. He is right. I have this intense fear of being embarrassed, or made fun of. This really informs my anxiety and makes me quash myself into something I think others will accept and want.

I went to see the Shakespeare play "A Midsummer Night's Dream" last week. In it there is a play within the play casted by some seemingly inept actors. What struck me most was the joy with which the main "cast member", Bottom ,lived his life as an actor (even if he was a BAD actor). Nothing stopped him from playing out his melodrama exactly how he wanted to play it out.

I could see Shakespeare's intention was to make him look like the Ass he gets turned into, but on another level, on an existential level, where success is measured in terms of how you lived your life according to what you desire to do....Bottom was extraordinarily colourful, successful and so full of life (even in his "dramatic" death).

That is what I want. I want to be free. I want to be the wild me again. The me who lets loose, sometimes does stupid things, but revels in my being unafraid to make mistakes. I want to be bold again. I want to sing out loud when everyone is listening. I want to be okay with not being good at things I enjoy. I want to just unselfconsciously enjoy those things.

Right now....I am going to make a decision to just let it go. Just know that I spoke up honestly to my pdoc. I let him know what I was doing. What I was doing is a symptom of my illness on some level, but on the other level...the deception level, I told him what I was doing. So from this moment on I am going to believe we are square.

Truthtelling in Therapy

I feel so ashamed and guilty about how I behave. While I believe absolute honesty in therapy is extremely important to, (and maybe the cornerstone of), successful therapy, I still hold back and find it hard to explain the bad things I do to myself.

I am going to try right here and right now to get some of those things out, then if I can't bring them up in therapy today I will show this to Dr. X.

For a couple weeks now I have been having increasingly intense and anxious suicidal ideation. I have been feeling so depressed, but also anxious to the point of panic, and irritable to the point of rage. In these rages I have been hitting my head-hard with my fists...A couple weeks ago I flew into a rage when my husband was 1.25 hrs late for dinner. Right before he came home I started hitting and kicking the wall so violently I had huge bruises on my elbows. I felt totally out of control with anger over such a stupid thing.

I feel like my brain is going to explode. I want my brain to stop. It will not STOP....it just keeps ruminating on all the negative things...flying from one bad feeling, incident, potential incident, to another.

I spent hours on Saturday counting medications I have hoarded (Epival 18500mg, Zopiclone 300mg, Gabapentin 7500mg reading about suicide online, looking up ways to commit suicide, thinking about how I could do it without hurting my family, trying to figure out where to do it. Yesterday I spent hours trying to find out if I would die from an epival overdose. I tried again today, but could not find the dose needed, only the blood levels...but I don't know how that works so not very helpful.

As my anxiety increases throughout the day I have these obsessive visualizations of stabbing myself in the chest with a really big knife. Over and over and over again, until (in my imagination) the tightness in my chest goes away, my whole upper body deflates and becomes relaxed again.

I started an Art Class (drawing) the other day and my anxiety was so acute I could barely breathe and started to have an anxiety attack where I almost had to leave the room I was so anxious. I started shaking (my hands and legs) and I could hear my vice quaking when I spoke...I just shut down and couldn't even think when I was being asked questions...like all I wanted to do was get out of there...it was so brutal. Every night I have this intense sense of rage and irritability going on inside me...there is so much energy behind it I feel like I'm going to blow up...and I do start spewing negative and angry words out towards my husband. I feel like I can't control the feeling...it gets worse as the night goes on, the t.v, or the sound of my husband chewing his food, or my cat's meowing make me feel explosive.

I want to tell my pdoc, but I feel so childish and immature, unbalanced, unworthy, labile...so embarrassed, that I have these thoughts, that I behave this way, that I treat others this way, that I have been deceptive (by hoarding medications)...especially the zopiclone, because I keep asking for more.

I am using the new zopiclone I get...(though it is not helping me sleep anymore). I keep asking for more instead of using the stuff I have hoarded from months ago...so I can save my stashed sleeping meds...so I have a way out or a means of relief if I cannot take it anymore. On Saturday I even thought I should just take 10 or 20 zopiclone....just to get some rest and some relief...not to die, but to calm down and let go.

In my last post I spoke of fearing abandonment by my pdoc. At the time he asked me if I had had thoughts of abandoning him. I took it to mean was I thinking of leaving therapy. Given how suicidal I felt last Saturday ,now that I think about it it maybe he meant "leaving"...as in permanently, as in suicide. I do talk to him sometimes about my suicidal thoughts, but I sense an uncomfortable avoidance of the topic when I bring it up, so I've been trying to let it go and not talk so much about it.

I recognize the counterproductivity of having all these medications around. They seem to entice me to use them. If they were gone I would have no reason to obsess about whether they would help me die or not, or whether they would relax me or not...they simply would not be here, so I could not use them.

I am going to print this off and try to talk honestly and openly with Dr. X about this. I will bring these meds to my session and if I feel safe I will give them to him.

Judge and Jury

I felt so stressed out and scared in my therapy session today. I have been severely depressed (even more so than usual)and have been feeling really paranoid about being abandoned...both physically and emotionally, by Dr. X, by my family, by my friends, basically by everyone.

In regards to Dr. X. I am both scared he thinks I cannot be helped (I am starting to wonder myself) and afraid he is giving up on me. I spoke with Dr. X about my having difficulties with our therapeutic relationship because I see him so much like an authority figure. My Dad(authority figure) was a policeman(extreme example of an authority figure). I think my reaction to authority is very much related to my interactions with my Dad while growing up. I was gardening just now and I had an "ah ha" moment while thinking about what went on in my session this morning.

I have a great deal of anxiety when I am around authority figures, especially if I feel I am being judged in any way, or if I feel I might disappoint them. I will go out of my way to please and placate any authority figure, because I am afraid of the consequences of not doing so.

Therein lies the problem. The nature of a Dr's position is such that they are always judging, categorizing etc. your health...so I am intensely fearful of being misjudged and thereby being abandoned because I am seen as not needing help. I am also deeply ashamed of my inability to "snap out of it", or make some progress in my therapy. This shame and fear are intensified by my feelings of guilt for remaining so depressed for so long and my self blame for believing I made myself this way...that I somehow did this to myself, made myself sick.

Dr X. made it clear today he will not abandon me. Not now, not in the future, not even if I decide to see someone else for therapy. He said, I will always be free to see him as well if I decide to see someone else too.

He asked me if he was doing anything that was making me think he would abandon me? The only things I could think of were his taking me off the medication I was on and then readily agreeing with my not wanting to be on medication. I felt like "...well if he is so laissez-faire about the medicine, then he must think I do not need it, or it will not work for me, which MUST mean I am not sick, which must mean he thinks I am fake. Also, I sometimes sense a change in tone when I am having a really hard time...like he is frustrated with me. He says I do not frustrate him...

In the garden this morning I realized I am projecting my frustration and ambivalence about my treatment, my medication and my depression's resistance to treatment, onto him. It is me that is trying to abandon me.

I have set it up so if Dr. X. is too much an authority figure (tells me I need to do more, sleep less, take meds, set up a schedule, drink less, try doing the things I like to do, etc) I freak out with anxiety and panic because I feel pushed and fearful I will be unable to complete what is expected of me (and will be punished for not doing so).

If he does not act like an authority figure (ie. gives me no feedback, or does not react positively towards me) I feel like he must not care about me, or thinks I am beyond help, or do not need help...or I go to the opposite extreme and think he thinks I am a completely lost cause and there IS NOTHING he can do to help me.

It is a no win situation...unless I can stop seeing him as an authority figure, or learn to not react to that aspect of the relationship, or learn to "feel the fear and do it anyways". Dr. X. said to me today to try to do the things I am afraid of despite feeling fearful I will be judged. Do the things I am afraid of in spite of my anxiety. Acknowledge the anxiety in the moment and forge ahead like no one was watching.

I will try.

Structured

Well...I went to my session yesterday dreading having to go. For the past few weeks I have been so down and really, really flat, empty, spaced out. All I want is for my time here on earth to disappear so I don't have to deal with it. I feel so frustrated by my inability to change, to move towards wellness.

So, all the way to my appointment I am thinking, "something has to change, I need some huge change to happen, I need a more structured day. I am not doing well with not working and having no structure"

I sit down and say to my pdoc, "I feel the same, depressed, tired, everything is just the same". He looks at me and says, "There has been a lot of that lately...sameness, maybe we need to shake things up a bit"...there's me thinking the same thing earlier, but I begin panicking when he says it. His voice reminds me of when he wanted to lessen our appointments to "shake things up a bit".

So we talk and decide I need a strict structured schedule. The first thing we do is set the sleep time. Outside this time I am not supposed to lay down, or sleep. Already I feel stressed out. I am so tired all the time I don't know how I am going to manage without a nap...this appears non-negotiable...so I acquiesce.

Here's my schedule:
7:30: Out of bed, have coffee, read
8:30-9:30 to the gym, swim, ride my bike or walk
9:30: Shower
10-12:00 Garden
12-1 Lunch
1-4:00 Art (pottery, drawing, painting, writing)
4-5:00 Chores (housecleaning, grocery shopping, laundry etc.)
5-6:00 Make dinner
6-7:00 Eat dinner, spend time with husband
7-11:30 Unstructured free time
11:30-7:30 In bed...even if not sleeping...trying to get sleep patterns back

So...looked pretty workable yesterday, but I had a meltdown over it today. I could not get myself up, when I got up 1/2 hr late I could not get myself to go exercise, finally at 10:30 I managed to get into the garden, but by 11:30 I felt exhausted and all I wanted was a nap...Now I am supposed to start "Art" in 20 mins and I feel overwhelmed and really, really tired (read: fatigue and exhausted).

Anyways, I feel SOOOOO lame. It's not like I have a job or anything...these are just everyday things that people seem to find time for on top of work. I used to be able to work so hard and do so much. I used to work more than full time and then come home to the farm and work here for another 4 plus hours everyday....now I feel stressed out by this stupid schedule. Anyways, the one thing he mentioned at the end of our session was that if I messed up and missed something, or didn't do something to just get back on track as soon as possible...don't give up because I missed something. I'm glad he said that because my inclination is to give up...but I will try again.

Lost

I don't know what to do to help myself anymore. I feel so numb most of the time...empty, depersonalized...like I am covered in plastic, or foam. Nothing excites me, everything feels like an enormous effort. Making dinner, getting dressed, going for a walk...it feels like I can barely move I feel so tired all the time.

Last week my mood soared for a couple days. I felt confident about my life. I felt like I could do anything I wanted. Then I wake up and that feeling has been replaced with a deep sense of despair and failure, lost hope and never ending sadness.

I'm off all meds except sleeping medication, because no meds have helped me. In fact, they have made me worse more than anything. We talked about my trying Lithium. The one major drug I have not tried, but I am afraid it will make me even more flat than I feel right now. I need something to boost my mood, not just flatten it. Anyways, I know I'm just complaining, but I am really struggling with having to live with this illness. If I can't get better, what is the point of the struggle?