tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14391563.post9115733798761716770..comments2023-10-25T07:20:23.858-07:00Comments on Vicarious Therapy: Fear and DesireAquahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16230285017033299419noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14391563.post-84233804523664756532009-02-03T11:49:00.000-08:002009-02-03T11:49:00.000-08:00Hey A, wow! I come back from a timeout while on ho...Hey A, wow! I come back from a timeout while on holiday to find that you have posted so many of the things that I feel for my pdoc, and other things too! <BR/><BR/>On the loving a therapist bit, I'd like to add one point. For me, and I guess for many others too, reaching a point where you can absolutely love and trust someone is crucial. If I didn't feel that way about my pdoc, I would also not be allowing him anywhere near the 'bad' bits of me. I can function fine with people I don't care about, even at the worst times, but it takes a huge effort to allow someone I love to see behind the functioning charade. And when you can do that and still have a relationship, for me it's the first step in trying to love myself as well. <BR/><BR/>I think the erotisism follows almost automatically. It's hard to allow someone that far inside your mind without wanting it to be physical as well. I guess the same applies in reverse as well - when you are really attracted to someone on a physical level, it's almost inevitable that you start to love them emotionally as well. <BR/><BR/>I'm not as brave as you, so I've never actually discussed this with Dr J, although he does know indirectly that I think he is soooo sexy (!!), but we've kind of alluded to it now and then. I am way more compliant because I love him, I am far more willing to keep trying when every bit of me says stuff it because loving him makes me want to be more worth being loved in return. Even without talking about it, me knowing how I feel about him does make me think about how it applies to RL relationships. And it makes me far more comfortable with RL bits generally, because I feel that I can actually love someone and not be completely rejected for doing so. It's a good start...<BR/><BR/>The other bit that made me laugh is Lisa Marie's comment on the whole parent/authority issue, especially as it relates to age. I have similar things with my mother. So I end up with a tdoc who is ten years younger than me, and she 'mothers' me totally just cos that is how she is! And strangely enough, kind of letting that happen has also allowed me to handle the way my mother does things a lot better too...<BR/><BR/>xxx<BR/>jjcathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03736961961261409218noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14391563.post-4663599399604830772009-02-02T20:20:00.000-08:002009-02-02T20:20:00.000-08:00Lisa Marie,I really struggle with seeking approval...Lisa Marie,<BR/>I really struggle with seeking approval. Also, one of the things I have recognized in my therapy dynamic is that it really is helpful for me to have a male therapist when most of my difficulties seem to revolve around men. I seem to be able to get more out of the sessions than with a female therapist because I react to my therapist in the way I react to men...so we can address that.<BR/><BR/>Polar Bear,<BR/>You definately are not unloveable. I live across the world and I feel a strong sense of connection to you. I understand that feeling of emptiness and how difficult it is to fill it.<BR/><BR/>Thanks each of you for the tremendously supportive responses.<BR/>...aquaAquahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16230285017033299419noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14391563.post-14484923406823332872009-02-02T19:05:00.000-08:002009-02-02T19:05:00.000-08:00wow, Aqua.You seem to be expressing yourself reall...wow, Aqua.<BR/><BR/>You seem to be expressing yourself really well these days.<BR/><BR/>While I feel sad that you are not getting a lot of the love and security that you should get from your relationship with your husband, I do understand how easy it is to fall in love with Dr X.<BR/><BR/>I think human beings are made to love and made to need love. I don't think we all get it necessarily. But if we don't feel loved, there will always be that empty space within that we will continually look to fill in one way or another.<BR/><BR/>I am afraid too, that I am unlovable, or that I cannot love. But my emptiness relates back to the relationship I had with my mother, and I find that I am constantly trying to look towards "mother figures" to fill that need.<BR/><BR/>It's not a nice feeling to have - to have that aching need for something that is no longer "appropriate". No longer appropriate, because now I am an adult, and I really should be looking more towards the kind of intimate relationship between a man and a woman.<BR/><BR/>But enough about me. I just want to say I do understand where you're coming from, and I also want to say well done on being able to express these feelings in the open.<BR/><BR/>Hugs <BR/>Polar B.Polar Bearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09042280087446534146noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14391563.post-17267822994980710732009-02-02T15:59:00.000-08:002009-02-02T15:59:00.000-08:00This is an extremely profound post. You know so mu...This is an extremely profound post. You know so much of what you want and need! Posting this is a huge step in your acknowledgement of how it affects you. Great job!<BR/><BR/>I struggle with finding "approval" from parental figures, namely anyone who is 30+ years older than me. So when I was deciding on a therapist,I had to find someone that would not distract me from trying to seek the approval/love from them that I never received from my parents. So I chose someone young, only 8 or 9 years older than me, but about 25 years younger than my mom and dad.Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05952500756645034418noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14391563.post-1203692958008486312009-02-02T07:56:00.000-08:002009-02-02T07:56:00.000-08:00Thanks Hannah,I almost removed the post a couple t...Thanks Hannah,<BR/>I almost removed the post a couple times after I posted it because I was afraid people might think I am really crazy or weird. This topic is so difficuly, yet so important, to address in a meaningful way. Thanks for the supportive comment. I appreciate it and it makes me more confident that posting and addressing these feelings is the right thing for me to do.<BR/>hugs,<BR/>...aquaAquahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16230285017033299419noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14391563.post-5294147943707225112009-02-02T00:50:00.000-08:002009-02-02T00:50:00.000-08:00This is such a brilliant post, I can really identi...This is such a brilliant post, I can really identify with the points you have made. I too struggle with relationships and very much need to apply this kind of method to work out what the different relationships I have with people in my life actually mean. I really admire your honesty and your determination to work at understanding your thought processes.<BR/>I've taken a lot from this post, thank you.<BR/><BR/>Hannah xxxHannah-sanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02615484572581166572noreply@blogger.com