Sunday, April 19, 2009

Health or Safety?

So much has been happening in my life. I went to see my husband (J). The entire night before I was torn. I did not know what to do. Should I return to him as he had requested the previous day?, or should I move onto a different life?

Being with someone for 18 years creates an intense connection and "safeness", even if things are not the way you want or need them to be. I kept looking at my new friend (I) and thinking how do I know this is what I want? How do I know I want to start a new life? How do I know J will be okay? He sounded so sad, desperate and broken when I spoke with him. After 18 years I feel an obligation to help J be okay through all this.

I phoned my stepmom and talked with her about what I should do. Without telling me what to do she asked me: "Do you want to be safe, or do you want to be healthy?"

It struck me deeply. My marriage has been very difficult the past few years. My husband has been drinking a large amount everyday. I feel he is constantly mad at me. I feel I have to be someone other than myself around him. I feel constantly criticized around him. I feel so lonely when I am with him, more lonely than when I am alone.

I started to imagine what my life 10, 20, 30 years from now. I saw myself back with J still feeling disconnected, alone, dismissed, criticized. I saw myself still extremely depressed. I envisioned what it would be like to be sad the rest of my life.

I knew my health had to come before safety. Sure I do not know what my life will be like without J, but I know what it has been like with him. It hasn't always been that way, but it has for a long time. I have tried to make it better, but it never changes. I do not want the rest of my life to be that way.

I told J that I needed to be by myself. I asked if he wanted to go to counselling. He said no. I still would go if it would help him and he wanted to, but I do not believe he will ever want to see a marriage counsellor.

I am sad that we could not make it work. I am sad for J. I am sorry I did what I did. I am, however, glad I had the power to protect myself and not go home. It would have been the safe thing to do, but not the best thing for my mental well being.

Yesterday morning a disheveled man, speaking strange words and chattering to himself, approached me. He came right up to me, touched my arm and said, "Don't worry. Everything is going to be all right". I looked at him and said, "Thank god, because everything has been pretty bad lately". He looked at me like he had known that all along.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I Feel So Evil

I thought I had a reprieve yesterday when my husband phoned and said I could come home until I found a place and he would move to a friend's house. So I left the hotel I was in with my dog and all my stuff. Unfortunately my husband did not remember saying that and kicked me out again.

I am exhausted and starting to crash big time. My biggest fear has always been being homeless and I am freaking out now. I was okay yesterday, but today I feel so scared.

E and I drove around looking for places all afternoon yesterday and ...nothing.

My husband phoned me yesterday and began crying. He says even though we will never get together again he misses me so much. My heart breaks when I think about what he is going through and what I have done to him. I feel so evil.

I think I need to see Dr X. before Thursday. I am starting to fall apart.

Friday, April 10, 2009


I am very worried and anxious.

My husband came back in the house and told me to get out with the dog by the time he came back to the house. So as of now we are "homeless". While Skookum and I have no home anymore we did check into the best hotel in the city. They allow dogs...even have a hotel dog you can take for a walk...very cute.

Yesterday I began the process of trying to find a place to rent. Thank god I have a great friend , E, who has been helping me. She is amazingly supportive. I hope I can return the favour someday (hopefully not for these circumstances though) one should have to ever go through this.

I called both my sisters to let them know where I was. Both of them are extremely angry at me, with my one sister saying: "What did you expect" and "You could have thought of me and the kids. We really love (my husband). I feel very distraught and alone; so scared that I keep disappearing into my bubble. It isn't helped by the fact that the two people in the world that I need to help me think I'm a bitch.

It is hard to explain to anyone why I cannot remain married to my spouse. He is a good man in so many ways. He just is not good for me. I need someone who lets me in; someone who is caring towards me in a nurturing way, someone who allows me to be the creative, loving, accepting, caring, singing, painting, teaching being I am meant to be.

Two of my readers, Shock and Jcat, two incredibly supportive people towards me, have given me good advice in my previous seek counselling, and tell Dr. X. I did tell Dr. X yesterday. He was so caring and supportive. There is a huge part of me that feels so ashamed of what I have done. I asked him if I had destroyed his perception of me, (because I feel I want so badly to be, and be seen as, a good person). What I have done to my husband is shameful. Dr X said no, but he had the saddest look on his face. I don't know if he felt sad that I would think that, or if he felt sad about what I had done. I think probably the former. I have a hard time believing anyone cares for me as much as he seems to. I don't feel I deserve so much compassion and lovingkindness. I always feel I am such a bad person. I guess what I have done pretty much reinforces that.

I called my husband yesterday and asked if he wanted to try counselling. He said, "no, counselling is out of the question because I have destroyed his trust in me, and that is the only thing that matters. He said he would never be able to forgive me, or trust me again. He also told me that his friends had been asking him for years why he stayed with me. He said he always loved me and believed in me. He told them I was a good person. He said ALL his friends had been trying to talk him into leaving me for years,

This really hurts me, as I felt they did not like me, but went into my relationships with them, believing I was just sick and paranoid...that despite my fears I was an outcast, they did like me as my husband told me over and over again.

To know I spent 18 years visiting with, and developing "friendships" with people who really abhorred me all this time is really distressing. It feels like abandonment. It feels like all my relationships except the ones with my personal friends have been completely false. It hurts me very very deeply.

anyways...I managed to get my own phone yesterday and called a few places, but no one accepted pets. So I will try again today. Please send positive energy my way. I really, really need it,

Wednesday, April 08, 2009


My husband came in the house just now and asked me how the my painting went. I said good. He said, W"hat would you say if I told you I followed you today and you didn't go to the arts Clubhouse?"

I didn't. I made love all day with another man. It was incredible, beautiful, breathtaking.

I just looked at my husband and said, "Why would you follow me?" He walked out of the house and slammed the door.

I want out.